Why I Haven’t Been Writing

Every time this blog has crossed my mind the last month, I’ve felt a sense of guilt. Sometimes, even dread. Believe me, this little spot in the big ‘ol internet has built my life in so many incredible ways, I could never truly complain, and it’s not the blog’s fault for how I feel…

…but I can’t hide how I do feel anymore. You guys… I’m burnt out.

It’s not that I’ve given up on love (I still believe in it more than anything else). It’s not that I don’t want to go on dates (though I’d rather the good start outweighing the bad). It’s not that I don’t want to help inspire and invigorate every single woman (or dude) out there to put themselves first, value their worth and not rush into an okay relationship instead of waiting for a spectacular one. It’s not any of these things… but it’s something.

It’s this deep-rooted, incredibly painful, slightly manic and utterly obsessive fear that’s in the pit of my stomach and within every racing heartbeat. It’s what has been keeping me feeling a little less like myself and a little more depressed lately. It’s been the language I’ve been using and the words I’m selecting. It’s been the tone of my voice and the hushed cries at night that embarrass me more than enlighten me. It’s what I’ve been Googling and what I’ve been G-chatting about with my closest friends, who for some odd reason, still love me despite all of my messiness and need for reassurance on the same damn topic.

Will I be alone forever?

Now, I know that’s quite an ultimatum of a question. (And a pretty ridiculous one to wonder at the ripe age of 26.) But, if you’re anything like me, or if you’ve been single for quite some time without much luck, I’m sure it’s crossed your mind a time or two. (I’ve written a blog or two about it, too.) Maybe it’s the easiest place for our minds to go after we go on another philandering date, or perhaps even worse, a great one that turns into nothing but a disappearing act by yet another so-called eligible bachelor. (Are they technically eligible if they make themselves so unavailable?)

Maybe it’s those crazy articles that go viral claiming that 25 percent of my generation will, in fact, remain single (partly by choice, partly by circumstance.) Or maybe it’s those articles that paint the not-so-pretty reality of the new age of dating: one where instant gratification is more important than emotional longevity. One where an orgasm is the endgame, instead of a prolonged intimate connection (that let’s be real, leads to way better orgasms anyway).

So while I’ve been trying my best to change my mindset and transform the ways I approach dating and love… I’ve been failing at it. Miserably.

I vowed to stay off of Tinder and signed up for a singles kickball game… where only a few people showed up, none of which, of particular interest (or could look me in the eyes without stuttering). I vowed to put myself out there more, and so I did, and met an attractive guy who asked for my number while I was walking my dog… who then asked me to send dirty photos of myself before he ever asked me on a date.

I vowed to be more present and mindful, to write down happy thoughts and keep a positive message circulating about love… only to look up and see that it was May 1, and I had only been on four dates this entire year. (And not for lack of trying.) In a moment of weakness (caused by exhaustion and margaritas), I re-downloaded Tinder and went out on quite the promising date, only to figure out his intentions were less than tender-hearted.

I’m trying you guys. I’m trying really hard. And yet, what I’m finding is that the more I try, the less I get. And the more that I try to write a hopeful blog – or email or anything – about dating, the more I feel like, frankly, I don’t know what I’m talking about.

I was explaining this to my dear fellow single friend, K, on her roof deck on the Upper East Side, and she sweetly asked: “Well, do you regret anything? Would you have done anything differently? If you knew the outcome of breaking up with Mr. Possibility, focusing on your career and your writing, taking great trips and building yourself into a better person would have made you single for nearly four years, would you have made different choices?”

Without a shadow of a doubt, without any hesitation at all, I said: “No. Absolutely not. I don’t have any regrets. I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished and where I’ve come from, and now, where I’ve been and hope to go. But the harsh reality of it is that I want someone to share it with.”

And I do.

More than I want anything else in this lifetime, I want a partner to share adventures, the good, the bad, the boring, the everything with. I do keep getting hit with hard times as I search for love, but if anything, this blog has helped me to see that I’m not the only one. And my friends, some who have found their lifelong mates and others who are in the same game of tag that I’m in, have taught me that we’re all on our own paths. We’re all figuring it out – life, love, money, sex, careers, body image – as we go.

No one has the answers, but we do have each other.

It never helps to hear that ‘that’s just how life is’ from anyone or that ‘you can work hard and get a raise but you can’t work hard and find love’  or ‘it’ll happen, I promise!’ – but what’s pushing me to keep on going is my faith in myself.

I’m not always nice to myself and I’m not always the best version of me that I can be, but if anything, I know I’m trying. I’m working on it, every single day, every single blog post, every single date and every single experience… to be better. Stronger. Happier.

I don’t know when I’ll feel like writing about love again – I’m sure it won’t be too long – but until then, I hope you’ll stick with me as I talk about other things. Because while I’m over here praying, crossing my fingers and toes, counting my lucky stars and wishing on the shooting ones, I’m also building a big beautiful life that’s full of many more things than the terrible men I’ve dated. (And okay, a few good ones.)

So if I can’t put my mind to it and make him appear, I’ll do what I’ve been doing all of these years of flying solo… learning to love myself. Learning to love fucking everything.

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9 thoughts on “Why I Haven’t Been Writing

  1. I just want to say thank you… I can’t even remember how I found your blog but your posts have been timely and heart-felt and so incredibly helpful… I’m 27, single for a year after having my heart ripped apart and I’m feeling all of these things you write about… so thank you for reminding me that I’m not the only hopeless romantic treading water, trying to reach the land of love and giving me a sense of solidarity <3
    Mel

  2. Thank you so much for writing this. I relate to this so much that it’s almost scary. Appreciate knowing that I’m not alone in this “will I be alone forever” but wouldn’t do anything different and why can’t I write anymore journey. xoxo

  3. I’m 36 and I’ve been single for 5 years and I’m almost at my breaking point. Everyone in my circle of family/friends has been married and had kids for years. You have no idea the number of bridal showers, bachelorette parties and baby showers I’ve helped coordinate over the years. I was always happy to do so Bc I thought ‘one day it’ll be my turn’ but now I’m not so sure. It feels like I’m running out of time and I’m becoming somewhat depressed. I’m sorry you’re feeling the same way. But I think you do still have plenty of time! 26 is super young!

    • Same! I’m turning 36 too and just stumbled onto this blog after googling something like people’s experiences on tinder (which I haven’t been on in a year but now think maaaaybe I’ll try it again).

      Thanks for vocalizing every single thought I’ve had on your blog! Dating is exhausting. I’ve had my share of unicorn dates and guys disappearing. Anxiety that I won’t go on another date (but luckily eventually do…). It’s easy to fall into my personal dark hole when something doesn’t work out and every time I don’t think I can climb out of it I do…but it does seem harder and harder every time it happens. Anyway I have no answers but it’s comforting to relate to other women. Most of my friends are coupled up as well and don’t seem to understand what it’s like to date/be single. I wish I dated in my 20s, would’ve learned a lot more about what I want and about myself. I didn’t really make an effort to put myself out there or date until I hit 31…so keep at it!!! You’re wiser than me when it comes to dating!

  4. Good piece. I feel so blessed to have met my twin flame. Your last line especially funny, with the F-bomb both adjective and occasional verb for you.

    Take a weekend in L.A. sometime. I promise to drag you to an archery class, rowing, and to volleyball. You will find a date or two via archery and volleyball.
    And have fun. Dining and clubbing maybe with whom you find and meet.

  5. My daughter feels as you do.
    My honey’s youngest , too, who is 32.

    I think women should go on dates and ask the guys to explain why guys don’t want to grow up and be a one woman guy. Its been great for me. Every relationship gets longer.
    Women need to be sure they want their guy to retain some youthful things, but add in a faithful loving relationship.

    If more guys know what women want and expect, some will grow up, and want to be that guy.

    But LIVE. Read. Do. Meet people. Talk to people. Be sure YOU are happy. Happy attracts happy.

  6. Great to read… and you are not alone. I live outside USA and is practically the same situation.
    Been divorced for 7 years but with the same hope to find love as you do. You have helped me to put myself out there…..but haven’t been lucky at all, I don’t know what men really want these days! And it is exhausting! But I won’t give up on love! Meanwhile I’ll love myself more every day.

  7. I LOVE this post, I can definitely relate to it. I’m also 26 (almost 27) and have been single all my life, thanks to some troubled teenaged years. Don’t give up, I’m not, event though I sometimes want to. It’ll get better, things will change :)

  8. Is it weird that I’m probably the youngest woman here that can truly understand and appreciate your posts? I’m only 19 years old, but I’ve been through enough turmoil with relationships and “situationships” (as I call them) to truly identify with all of the emotion you paint into your posts.

    I’m very appreciative of them all, as they truly aid me in my journey to happiness. I’m currently learning to love myself more than I love my next relationship or my last. What’s funny is that I’ve never considered myself a love addict until reading your blog. I think I’m probably the poster child with all of the dating situations I deal with.

    Anyway, I’d first like to thank you. Reading your blog, in a sense, is kind of like that little voice in the back of my .. the one that’s always afraid to say these things aloud. You voice the thoughts and opinions that I’m not able to and give me a little bit of strength every time you do. So, thanks.

    And if you’re interested in reading any of my misadventures, my link is: littlevoicewithinme.wordpress.com

    Thank you so much! And enjoy.

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