Frankly, I Do Give a Damn

When I start liking a guy – I change.

No matter how confident I am in my career, with my life, with how I look – when I start feeling those little butterflies or sense possibility, I alter myself somewhat. And I hate it.

Now, I’m not Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride who doesn’t know how she likes her eggs, but because I fear losing a guy’s interest or his attention, I almost always become this needy, overly obsessed and ridiculous girl while I’m “dating” or “talking” to someone. In no shape, form, or fashion am I out-of-my-character unless I’m with a dude I’m intrigued by. Instead of keeping up my fierce, go-getter nature, I almost always crumble into someone who is readily available, kind and inviting, and overly easy to get along with.

In my true form (or normal state), I question. I always want to figure out the next adventure. I’m a planner but like random decisions too. I’m bold and brilliant and I am pretty fearless of doing most anything. My friends always select me as the gal who goes up to the group of guys at the bar, and my co-workers deem me the one to be the “bitchy” receptionist when we need it. I am a naturally kind and thoughtful person, but I also stand up for myself and what I believe. I wouldn’t call myself brave because taking risks just comes easy to me. I have this sense that everything will work out and I’ll be fine, so I tend to just go for it.

This mentality holds true in every section of my life except with men. I don’t want to say the wrong thing or act the wrong way or be too disagreeable because if they see this vivacious, argumentative, daring, inquisitive, real me – they may be turned off, intimidated, or just not like it. And then they’d leave.

But why does that matter?

If they don’t like who I am at my core and how I am when I’m emotionally naked – are they even worth my time? I mean, Marilyn Monroe in all of her infinite beauty, says if a man can’t handle you at your worse, then he doesn’t deserve you at your best. But what if they can’t handle you at your best? When you’re the happiest and most in-tune with who you are? Is dating a journalist, a woman, a powerhouse, like me (and all of you) really that difficult? I mean, c’mon!

I’m so tired of morphing into a person I’m not to try and keep a man’s attention. While I don’t think age has much to do with it –I’m sincerely at a point where I’m falling in love with myself, with my life, with my city, and no man has the right to come and stomp all over that so he can remain satisfied. I have wants, needs, desires, and qualities that are just as important as any guy’s, and I don’t want to surrender them anymore. I would much rather be alone and happily single then to be with someone who doesn’t appreciate, adore, and love me for who I am – no questions asked.

In honor of proclaiming my over-the-top and completely ridiculous personality that I will now keep the same, regardless of what man walks into my life, I’ve made a list of some of the things that are important to me. These are things that I normally apologize for or don’t mention because I don’t want to be difficult to get along with. But now, I don’t care anymore.

-If you say you’re going to call, then call. If you say you’re going to text, then text. If you say you’re going to be somewhere, be there. I’m not your mother or personal assistant. Stay true to your word and don’t make me remind you.

-I like wearing high heels. Wait, I love wearing high heels. If this means you have to walk slower, that’s just how it is. I’m a girly-girl and I make no excuses for it.

-I wear makeup. When you kiss me or hug me, it may get on you. I don’t think that’s a bad trade for getting to touch my body or my lips. If you do, move on.

-If I say I don’t care where we go for dinner, I don’t. Make a decision.

-Drinks are not a date to me. Drinks are hanging out. If you want to ask me on a date, be more creative.

-I will compliment you and try and help you work through your problems. I will not support a whiny, depressed funk for very long. Learn how to take care of yourself.

-I may not agree with your viewpoints, but have them. No, it’s not okay for you to be okay with everything. The best of life comes from passion.

-I don’t want to hear that you don’t like your job or your career. You’re a grown-up and have the ability to change it. Life is too short to go to a place you hate every single day.

-I’d prefer not to know your ex-girlfriend’s name. If you feel the need to bring her up or reference to her, then maybe you should give her a call.

-I don’t mind watching sports and drinking beer with you sometimes. That doesn’t mean I want to do it every single Monday night.

-The hard work I put into my figure has nothing to do with you. Running is for me, so stop telling me to run for you.

-I’m a journalist. This means I like questions and I like answers. If you feel interrogated, maybe you should have a stronger back bone.

-I expect you to remember things that are important to me because I’ll always do the same for you. If I say something is special to me, please don’t disregard it.

-I need at least 24-hours notice before hanging out with you most of the time. Sometimes, I’m okay with spontaneity but my days are packed, and if I’ve deemed you someone I want to hang out with, please be reliable.

-Yes, my last name is Tigar. You don’t need to growl at me or sing “Eye of the Tiger” to me. It’s okay.

-Most of the time, I’m very happy, optimistic, bubbly, and full of energy. If you’re not like this, or if you don’t like this type of personality, then ta-ta.

-I’m not incredibly tidy, but I will try to be if I’m in your space. If you scold me for it more than once, I’m done.

-I need girl time and me time. And I don’t need to see you every single second of every single day, but I need to know you’re there.

-If you need an instructional manual to my body, I think we should see other people. Yes, every union is different, but if you can’t kiss at this age, I’m not interested.

-I was raised as a lady and I expect you to treat me that way. Open doors. Mind your P’s & Q’s. I will do the same.

-No, it’s not okay that you cancel plans an hour before we’re supposed to have them. That’s rude.

-Shower.

I promise I’m really a sweet, generous person, but I also need to embrace and enforce my values. I realize that everyone puts their best face first when they are starting to see someone, but being up front about who you are and what you need – is so important. Because if someone can’t put up with me or fall for me when I’m being myself, they aren’t the person that I’m meant for.

So here is to being me, the beautiful mess and everything. Frankly, when it comes to what I want and who I am, I do give a damn.

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329 thoughts on “Frankly, I Do Give a Damn

  1. I love how the last one is “Shower.” Priceless.

    But no, I totally agree with this. When I dumped my porn-addict boyfriend and was about to date my current one, I was really upfront about it. I was like, “Look, I had a porn addict ex who mistreated me and gave me issues. Now, I know I’m a little over-the-top about my views on porn because of it, but I really can’t date you if you ever look at porn. Not even once from here on out.”

    People told me I’d never find a guy able to provide me with what I wanted/needed. But here I am, nearly 3 years later with the same guy, and while others may not believe me, I know for a fact that my guy does not look at porn.

    Yeah, I’m not as psycho as I was when the wounds were fresh from the ex, so I could deal with the occasional guy glance at it or slip up probably. But he won’t budge, because he knows how much my ex hurt me in the past.

    Why settle? There is someone out there who is more than willing to be what you need them to be. Especially since God made you both to be that for each other.

    • OMG!! Hahaha… I can totally relate to this. From the ex-porn addicts… to the name singing (my name is Maria… do you have ANY IDEA how many songs have my name in it? I do.)

      But I’m totally guilty like you are. While around friends I’m the tell-it-like-it-is girl… when starting a relationship i find myself coddling, compromising, and just generally becoming more vanilla and less Jamoca Almond Fudge. (yup.. just compared my dating life to 31 flavors)

      One of the ways I know that I am ready for the one/the guy I am with is the one is that I don’t do that.. and when I do… he looks at me all weird and pushes me off the couch.

      Keep growing girlie.

    • It is quite ridiculous, isn’t it? I mean, no, dude, you singing “Eye of the Tiger” to me is not going to be impressive. You don’t think I’ve heard this before? Love your blog too! :)

  2. I like it. I think what you mentioned are what alot of women feel. In all honesty, I’m not a girly girl,I’m one of the guys… the kind of girl who’ll wake up hungover between her two buds and think, last night must have been a good night, in a completly platonic way =P And as for men being sexist, well I’m amused by it, my friend was sick from drinking once, and when I asked him something he asked me if he’d just heard a woman talking, I said yes you did, but atleast I didn’t throw up like a bitch. Men respect women who stand their ground and respect themselves. :) It’s about balancing being sexy and confidant, but having a sense of humour and being laid back too for me anyway.

  3. Love this post…. I find myself behaving the same way in the face of men, and I am not the most agreeable person natuarlly either…all the power to you for saying what ou need to say I LOVE IT!!!

  4. I love this post, I ended a relationship with someone because I was too afraid to be myself, and now, I’m with you 100%, if I’m too much for you then you’re not enough for me. Life’s too short to waste time on bad relationships, and being single is awesome!

    thanks again

    • Great list – however, out of curiosity, have you watched Gone With the Wind?

      Curious about the context of the actual “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn” reference. When Rhett says that line at the end of the movie it’s because he has cared, loved and catered the entire movie to a woman who only wants what she can’t have – and he’s done. He’s put in the time and he’s not giving anymore to a woman who isn’t going to be appreciative.

      If anything, from reading your blog I think your line should have been the same as Rhett’s – but perhaps I’m missing the point.

  5. This blog proves that your 12 step program is working very well for you! It is refreshing to see a young woman that is willing to stand up for her values and be honest in expressing her views! No more giving your power away! Great blog!

  6. Amazing, I still sometimes experience this issue as a functioning married adult. Somedays it is so easy to forget who you are and what you really need. Thank you for letting us see a true bit of who you are and congratulations on being Freshly Pressed.

  7. Ah! I love this. I have issues with several of the things you listed…not because I don’t agree, but because my boyfriend breaks them! Bah. Glad to know I’m not alone, or expecting too much. I should expect what makes me happy!

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  9. well MISS TIGAR–love this blog –as a male it strikes me as you’re putting up some road blocks that some poor smuck is gonna have to navigate around in order to get that, oh so precious, second date..you are funny and obviously smart…no doubt you look like a young liz taylor…here’s the thing about us guyz ..we’re nervous about women ..comes natural ..we fake bravado..cause we have to feel some control even though in fact it’s you who has the steering wheel… women choose ..we men ride along hoping that our coolness disguises our true nature so as not to offend or scare you off the idea of being intimate with us…so when you make a set of conditions (shower?..seriously??)that you dump on us we want out ..we are only looking for some common ground and a little less pressure …cause we are men..the weaker gender..josh

    • Josh,

      Perhaps you are misunderstanding the purpose of Lindsay’s list of standards. If your goal is to simply navigate around them, then you don’t have her best interest in mind. She is looking for a guy who actually fits the criteria, not one who is sly enough to detour and just get by. That only sets things up for a bad relationship and shows selfishness on the guys part. It is safe, however, to call them roadblocks. EVERY girl needs to have her guard up in order to save the trouble of the typical jerk who has one thing in mind. If you ARE in fact a worth her time, then simply put some man-pants on and take the challenge. I understand faking confidence at times, cause guys do get nervous. But ultimately, she wants a guy that will take that challenge and succeed.

    • Well, yes, I do hope that you shower! You’d be surprised how many people (women included) do not shower. And they aren’t road blocks, they are standards.

      Thank you for reading and for the compliment! :)

  10. Reasonable. Except, I find it interesting that you make a very specific point of saying that you want to be who you are, “no questions asked,” but you demand the right to question. That’s not going to ever work long term.

    • She is demanding the right to ask about you – not for you to question who she is or to try and change her to fit your mold. As girls, we are curious about the person we might consider spending the rest of our lives with and that can’t happen without questions. Don’t make us change but let us know about you.

      • Thank you! And yes, I’m saying I want to be able to ask things about you and learn about you – but I don’t want to be asked to change (as I won’t ask that from you).

    • I agree picking up on that too.
      Accept me for whom I am but no reciprocity in return.
      Instead it is disguised as weakness, whining, et. al.

      Still like reading it though, its getting interesting in an ego maniacal sort of way.

  11. “I may not agree with your viewpoints, but have them. No, it’s not okay for you to be okay with everything. The best of life comes from passion.” I know EXACTLY what you mean! The guys who get on my nerves the worst are the ones who totally submit to the Relationship Bandwagon: whatever YOU want to do is what I want to do, ALL the time. They never can stand up for what they want or need. I need someone to “challenge” me, as I like to call it. Someone who makes me in love with them as they are with me. LOVE this post.

  12. Thank you so much for your honesty (and perception) about who you are who you become around men… and how it makes you feel to watch yourself melt like that into someone else.

    I’ve done the same 100 times over and have proclaimed the same – to not bother with someone unless they bother with me – again and again. I keep falling back, but a little less deep into the hole every time. May this time around be the time you grasp the ground and take off running! Thank you so much for the post!

  13. Love this! You should always be yourself with someone from the get-go. If you’re not it will all come crumbling down and you’ll end up feeling resentful for being someone you’re not.

    You rock!

  14. i love what you said and the list was spot on. well done. thanks for speaking out for other women who feel the same way.
    i do give a damn as well.

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  16. Enjoyed this very much. It has taken me a long time, a lot of practice to learn how to just be myself around men I’m dating, or interested in. I used to throw myself into their lives — if they owned a motorbike, I went out and bought a helmet. If they liked hockey, I bought a season ticket. Then one day I woke up and decided to get my own interests; specifically, to figure out what they were. By developing those hobbies and finding out what I’m passionate about, I was able to realize that I had something to offer them, and that my hobbies were pretty cool. So technically, there should be a line-up of guys wanting to go out with me and be a part of my life. Whatever happens, you gotta stick to your guns – I love your list of prerequisites. : )

  17. Amen sister! I’ve been conducting an experiment, in which I’ve dated (and blogged about) 17 men over the past three months and I can totally relate to your loss of confidence/sanity when a potential Mr. Right crosses your path. Whenever I meet a nice guy, I lose my mind and- surprise, surprise- I generally lose the guy’s interest as well (crying on fifth dates seems to be my specialty). There’s something to be said for serial dating, though. If you’re obsessing over lots of guys at the same time, you can’t possibly change yourself for any one in particular :) Best wishes in your continued adventures.

    http://www.katrichterwrites.wordpress.com

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  19. I’m sending this blog to my manager Mr. Bricks. It will teach him a two or thing as he is trying to find his own love of his life. Hey wait…are you single…hmmmm

    Well written and congrats on being Freshly Pressed!

    Blessings,

    Ava
    xox

  20. Wow, being honest, intelligent, and not over the top are awesome. To hell with any fellow guy who can’t get it right from the beginning. Thankfully my fiancée was just as forthcoming as you are. Keep it up, don’t settle, and you’ll win in the long run. To bad we didn’t meet like 18 months ago. But cheers to the next guy who gains your heart, friendship, and honesty.

  21. I am horrified that you have encountered such awful men! I love the men in my life: my husband, my dad, my uncles, my cousins, my friends. They are strong men who need and admire strong women. None of them would ever treat a woman like you’ve been treated. You should come out and meet some Colorado country boys!

  22. Sometimes we have to say this stuff outloud. It all seems so simple but it has to be said in order to be heard. And yes, you should shower before a date. If I went to the trouble to smell and look good for you, returning the favor might get you somewhere.

  23. This is so scary, you just described how I have been feeling the past week. I guess I really needed to read this.
    The sentence: if a man can’t handle you at your worse, then he doesn’t deserve you at your best, really made me think about my current situation.

    Thank you so much for writing this post!

    Love
    -D

  24. I found this post very interesting because it exposes you as a womnan who knows who she is and what she will and will not except regardless if some worthless son of a gun is asking her to be, or treating her in a way that demand subserviance. Bravo for you and with being comfortable with you. I would also add that you sound to be quite marvelous and I don’t think it requires the intellect of a rocket scientist to see that. That perhaps means that there are a lot of real men looking for one just like you. I would like to invite you to 1markt.wordpress.com and search the archives under poetry, it will perhaps shed light that there are yet those of us who appreciate a woman that knows what the totality of a woman is. Thanks for sharing your work wth us. I shall return to hear more from you.

    Marcus T. Tolbert

  25. I know most of you girls reading this blog and commenting on it will say, f**** ignorant pricks…we’re not all the same…and I want you to find someone who loves you for who you are…

    • I believe there is someone for everyone – but first you have to love yourself, regardless if a man loves you for who you are or not. This blog is the journey to that!

      • I understand, and I completely agree, you first have to love yourself, as no one will love you if you don’t love you (put in a bluntly simplistic fashion :))

  26. I love your blog! Great list you have there! :) just be yourself, you don’t have to change just because of a guy. If he loves you, he will, no matter who and what you are :)

  27. Too funny! When I read your post, I thought I wrote it!
    If you say you are going to call, I expect a call. If you tell me you are going to do something, I expect it to be done. I also agree 24 hour notice for a date. I am a busy professional woman who does not wait around for a man to expect me to be available at his whim. I am in my mid 30’s and expect a man to know how to kiss by now…LOL – Please don’t drown me! Finally, I make decisions all day (like you) and when I say I don’t care what we do or what’s for dinner, I expect him to make a darn decision. There are plenty of times when I say what I want…

    Love your post!

  28. This is such a good post. Women, even strong women, often become what they think men want, in order to have a relationship. Maybe it’s our hardwiring to be accomodating, to be flexible, to be chameleons to get what we want. After all, we had to latch onto a guy who would hunt for us so we could take care of the young. The only result is that women often get exactly what they didn’t want: an inauthentic relationship. My co-authors and I wrote about this in our book. We called that chapter “Rational Women Making Irrational Choices.”

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  30. I’m bookmarking this.

    “If I say I don’t care where we go for dinner, I don’t. Make a decision.”

    I can’t say how much I agree. EVERY time my partner and I go out for dinner, even if we’ve already decided where we’re going, he’ll ask where I wanna go again. And I’ll say that I don’t care, but he’ll just keep asking until I give in and suggest somewhere. Then he’ll say “aw nah, I don’t really feel like that…”
    Is it legal at this point to throw him under the nearest bus?

    • Hahaha, Danielle, totally. My BF and I came up with a full proof plan for this. We both write down three places we would like, then hold them up at the same time. If any match, we go there.

      I know…it sounds very juvenile, but after having that same under the bus feeling, I felt like I had no other choice lol.

      BTW, linds, I think ur awesome.

  31. i like what you had to i’m trying to break in to the creative writing shean i’m know to this and would like to have a few followers but don’t know how to go about it any suggestion

  32. You tell em, sister! Seriously, as a gay man who is trying to recover from sex and love addiction I can totally relate to the idea of losing oneself in relationships. Unfortunately I am about a million miles behind you on the path right now, so it seems! Truth is you HAVE to love yourself before anyone else can possibly love you. It’s such a cliché but every which way I try and get around learning to love myself I always come up against it in the end.

  33. Thanks for such a thoughtful post. What a coincidence! I was just pondering over similar thoughts before I stumbled onto this page. I had also been going through something similar. I’m in a real dilemma; whether to present my real raw self, or to present a version of me that fits into the mold of social expectations. So far, I had adopted a ‘that’s me; love it or leave it’ approach. My experience taught me that it’s not going to fly in the social setting that I’m stuck in. While I don’t mind being happily single, that’s not an option in the society that I’m in. I am considering the possibility of being agreeable, no matter how absurd the norms might be, in the beginning. This way I might have chance of passing through the initial phases. And may be, I can slowly express myself and bring in the real me. And may be, just may be, there is someone out there for me, who is also stuck in the wrong place at the wrong time, just pretending to give a damn about the absurd social customs. Then may be we will find each other.

    • I hate that you’re name is Nobody! You are somebody! There is someone out there for you and there is no need to rush or to settle into something that’s not perfect for you. You will find him/her. I promise!

      • Thanks for responding. Given the volume of comments on this post, I didn’t think you would be able to read through all of them, let alone respond to them. I really appreciate the fact that you did respond to each of the comments.
        You are right, I’m someone. I should think of some nice name for my online presence; Any suggestions are welcome :). Thanks for your kind words. I do hope there is someone out there for me and that I would get to meet her soon. Well, I am certain there is someone out there who would be perfect for me. But the trouble is with the probability of me meeting her. In the society that I am currently living in, there are so many pretentious customs that one has to wade through to meet one’s potential partner. It’s easy for one to get lost in those layers of pretensions and lose one’s real self. Anyways, after reading your message, I thought about my situation carefully. Although it’s not easy to meet someone who shares my views and values, I have decided not to rush into something and patiently wait for the right person to come along. Thanks again!

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  35. I stumbled upon your blog after coming to workpress with the intention of doing my own.

    Confessions of a love addict – I believe “Orsino” was similarly afflicted.

    I sincerely hope you find your man. If anything the journey will be exciting.

    I sympathise with your gripes – us men have the exclusive patent on asshole – but we can also be entirely charming, thoughtful, loving and kind.

    I couldn’t possibly offer you advice…only suggestions.

    Perhaps, instead of making and publishing a list of negatives you publish a list of positives.

    Better still, don’t make lists at all – they are, by design, limiting.
    Talk to older couples who have been married/together for a long time. You may find that, apart from love, the ability to compromise based on mutual respect is given great import.

    Whether male or female we are flawed, we are human. Love covers a multitude of sins. Love hurts when it is not recipricated – but love we must regardless of the consequences.

    I lied. Sorry. I can give you advice after all. It is this…

    …just love.

  36. Nice blog post.

    Im a guy and I find it frustrating when a woman begins to adapt her personality to enhance the attraction, feeling, etc.

    I find it very attractive when its clear that a woman has a full life of her own. They have a certain vibe that really stirs up curiosity.

    From talking with friends that are girls and reading a few books on the subject, it seems unfortunate, but many men are afraid of women like this and often the ones that arent, are players. I think this is a shame.

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  38. Simply great! A mirror.. and prob. we are going to be not with somebody ever in a “normal” way of life… and its just ok – Congrats; great text!

  39. xD reading you blog was fun! no matter it was super-long.
    I guess that you’re getting to know yourself, that’s great: you now recognize what you need and what you’re looking for.
    I might start doing the same.

  40. I think my favorite part of this list is that you’ve thought it through. The older I get, the pickier I get. A wise person once said know who you are. Accept who you are. Be who you are. Word.

  41. I'[m GLAD you DO give a DAMN and you should cause you sound great! You’ll find the right guy when it’s right cause you sound like you really do know what you want and do keep true to yourself!

    evelyngarone.com

  42. Kudos to you for being fearless enough to start displaying your true colors around men. I’m proud to say the man I’m with respects, accepts, and loves everything about me, no matter how needy, demanding, or ornery I can be sometimes. Occasionally I will fear voicing my true feelings around him because I’m afraid he will run, but I figure that no matter what, I SHOULD be able to be myself and share my feelings, even if they aren’t always what he wants to hear. If I can’t, or if he doesn’t accept them, that means that we shouldn’t be together to begin with. And I’d rather know that than hide how I feel because I’m afraid of being rejected. So far with Rico, I haven’t been disappointed. He truly is the best for me. :)

  43. Thank you to everyone for all of the wonderful comments and for reading my blog! I never anticipated being on the homepage of WordPress! Wow! I hope you continue to read and that my posts help you, if you need it. Please feel free to email me directly at confessions.loveaddict@gmail.com. I look forward to looking through all of your blogs, too! xoxo L

  44. Good post! Amen to women standing up for what they believe and being who they are at their core! Don’t ever change!

    One suggestion though– the italics and bold words were a little distracting. Don’t get me wrong, I do like using them for emphasis every once in a while… but I think you kind of went way overboard.

    Keep up the writing!

  45. Your tone seems a little angry. You’ve seem to have thought a lot about the qualities others might like about you.. But I’m not sure if you’ve fully decided which ones you like to accept as your ‘true’ self.

    Love yourself before you love another. <3

    – PC

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  47. Love your post! It’s very true, and there are certain things you have to prioritise. I want to pick out the parts I agree with, but it’s all of it. Congrats on sticking up for yourself, and getting pressed.

  48. You’re really funny :) and you know what you look for in a man so that is a good thing :)

    I enjoyed reading this post. It’s nice knowing I’m not the only one who tends to change a little when I like someone. Ahhh… I can so relate to the needy, obesessive part. I tend to get a little bit like that. But, like you said – if a guy can’t accept you for who you are, he definitely is not worth it.

  49. Have you ever read “Why Men Love Bitches?” It’s pretty life changing. Putting it into practice is proving to be a bit more challenging but I think it will be worth it in the long run.
    Love what you are doing here. I feel the same way and plan to keep tabs on this blog from now on.
    You must love yourself before someone else can love you (or however the saying goes).

    • Thank you so much :) And I’ve read that book! I’m not exactly sure I agree with all of it, but they make valid points. I think we all have to be ourselves, sometimes that’s sweet and sometimes that’s sour :) Thanks for reading!

  50. .,you’re one hell of a woman to me and believe me women like you are very hard to find, i admire your frankness and the way you handle yourself. well just be yourself and if those guys doesn’t want they see then forget them, there are a lot of fishes in the sea. :P

  51. Brilliant! …and am I the only guy liking this?!

    No, seriously, I love this post. And the fact that here’s a woman who’s actually stated her intent/likes/dislikes, rather than keep us clueless souls guessing! (I am a “guesser”)

    While I may not be “comfortable” with every element of your list, I cannot help but live with those elements as they’re universal, and also on the list of the women in my life!

    However, I would just point back to what Highlander commented above, and point out one simple belief of mine – life and stances we take in it are transient. today’s good, is often tomorrow’s “whaa-did-i-say-that??”

    Would love to see your list ten years from now. And would love to have you prove me wrong.

    For if we are fortunate to find our true north (and east and west and south) early in life and then stick to it – we’re a rare breed of really fortunate people!

    All the best :)

  52. I applaud your efforts in being true to yourself. Something I should work on as well. And there’s nothing on that list that should be a deal breaker to anyone, especially the right person :)

  53. Really a terrific post! I agree with Being-I, though. Don’t be surprised if ten years from now you’re wildly in love with someone who doesn’t fit all the rules. That’s what makes love so maddenly wonderful. But I tell you what – you’re off to a great start with this list – just don’t set it in stone.

    • Thank you! Nothing is set in stone but standards are important. Even if love comes around and throws you for a loop, you’ve gotta make sure you can depend on your own two feet!

  54. I’m also “a 20-something, living, learning (and of course attempting loving) in NYC. This is my journey of falling in love…with myself.” Keep livin! :)

  55. I think if you want to marry a nice guy and have kids you should go to your own state of NC because men in NYC are spoiled.

    • Men are men, women are women – but we’re all individuals, regardless of where we are! You can’t blame a city for the way people are the way they are. You are treated the way you allow yourself to be treated. Don’t forget it, and thanks for reading!

  56. I feel like you reached into my head and pulled out something I’ve thought countless times verbatim. I love your blog.

  57. Lindsay, I applaud the shower comment! Lol. Even as a guy I totally agree with that standard. Everyone wants someone who takes care of their body and at least smells nice…

    Also, all the standards about keeping your word and not canceling an hour before. Dead on. I’ve had 2 relationships fail over this. It’s so irritating to have someone who doesn’t respect your time.

    Just wanted to say awesome blog and keep up the great writing!

    Justin

  58. So, I’m not the only female who becomes a clingy, nervous shell of herself when she meets a guy with potential? This is great news.

    Your post is inspiring and I will check out more. Thank you for sharing.

  59. Great post, congratulations on being Freshly Pressed!

    Having standards is definitely a good thing and those who can’t handle them are obviously not meant to experience the greatness of you.

    :)

  60. I love your confidence! This is a great post. I heard once (have no idea where…) that, although you are always maturing, your ‘relationship’ maturity only grows when you’re in a relationship…so effectively, you may pick up in a new relationship (emotional-maturity wise)exactly where you left off in the last one. Keeping a list is a great way to review and be sure you’re not compromising anything for a guy. Congrats on FP!

    http://habitualme.wordpress.com

  61. Love this post! It’s an ode to being ourselves! :) I don’t consciously change into someone else when I’m with a guy but it happens, and yes, I don’t like it.. Take me as I am, pfttt!! Great uplifting post!!

  62. Love IS and always will be the most challenging,confusing thing that no one will EVER figure out. It does change us in drastic ways and it warps, (yes, warps, not wraps)our minds around only that one thing. Why? I dont want to care SO much for this person but if I don’t make a move fast, they will slip away. I am and never will be anything close to an adult, I am just a teenager. No one is ever an adult. I know for a fact that the more we grow older the more we want to connect with our recent childhood. I feel that love nothing but an illusion in our minds and that the heart doesn’t control love the mind does. I feel for you.

    ~But just remember, no one has ever loved anyone the way everyone wants to be loved. :)
    ~Thank you!

  63. I found this post to be a great relief! I personally have felt for so long the same thing, but about women! I feel relieved to know that both men and women have more similar stresses than either of us realized. So if any of the previous posters haven’t already said it: don’t worry, us guys are also stressing, and sweating, and trying to figure out and think about what the “right” thing is to say even at the expense of being genuine. I think that in today’s high-speed, high-intensity life, we often try to aim for the goal of “true” love whilst forgetting what really matters to us. So keep kicking ass and doing what you love, because someone will notice it and will be attracted to you for that exact reason.

  64. I used to change myself with a guy, but with my current guy I’m with I was absolutely myself. I was loud, obnoxious, out-going, and didn’t change myself when I met him, even though I knew I liked him. I didn’t want to have a relationship with anyone, but he pushed his way in, and followed a lot of those rules you have. And good for you! You should never compromise who you are for anyone, especially a guy, but I have done the exact same thing before too.

  65. It’s easy to lose yourself in a relationship especially if you lack confidence and self-esteem or if you don’t have your own direction. It sounds like you’re well on your way to discovering yourself and the type of woman (person) you want to be. I hope you find your “list” man and I hope his list isn’t any more unreasonable than yours. Keep on blogging and keep on giving a damn!

  66. I am still struggling with this, even after dating my boyfriend for over a year. I just agree so as not cause strife. I think every disagreement is my fault, for being obstinate, or selfish, or what have you. It’s unhealthy and, honestly, I put it on myself. He’s done nothing to cause me to believe I cannot disagree or have my own opinion.

    I think it all comes down to self confidence. If I am confident in who I am, if I love myself, then I will not fear disagreeing with the man I love. Disagreement doesn’t mean I don’t love him or am some sort of cranky bitch. It just means I have an opinion. And I’m okay with that.

  67. I thought the shower thing was funny. I’m on a twice a week schedule myself. Perhaps it’s time to move up the three times a week. Big move! What will this do to my soap budget? Lol ;)

  68. Wow, you have put a LOT of thought into this one. Maybe over-analyzing a bit as well? What I would say is- when you meet the right person for you (this is assuming you already haven’t), you will feel so confident and secure with him, you will not become a “different” person, but that allows you to be who you are.

    • I believe you completely! When I do meet someone who accepts me for me, that’s great! But the thing is, I have to accept me first -and that journey is an important one before any Mr comes along!

  69. I love this! I am happily married so I can’t quite be in your shoes, but I am working hard at being more accepting of myself and my personality. I too am tired of changing bits and pieces of myself depending on which of my friends or family members I’m spending a lot of time with. It’s not to the same degree as changing for a boyfriend, of course, but it still leaves a feeling in the pit of your stomach that tastes an awful lot like shame at being who you are. You’ve kind of inspired to make a list of my own standards and values for those who are in my life…could be interesting, to say the least!

    PS – I plan on bookmarking this post and showing it to my single friends and to my daughter as well when she is old enough to start thinking about boys. Thank you for writing it!

  70. I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost four years now in a strong, healthy, and wonderful relationship. Below, I will discuss each one of your points and (for a few of them) perhaps provide an alternate perspective (the male perspective).

    1) I agree that we men should be held accountable for things we claim we’ll do. Not calling or not texting IS irresponsible. However, sometimes things really do come up and we forget. We’re only human beings. I’m a very hard working person, and over the last 4 years, there have definitely been times where I’ve been doing so much over the course of my day that I forget to call at 6 when I said I would and end up remembering at 11. Of course, my girlfriend has every right to be upset, but I don’t think this would be a deal breaker. It’s happened to her too. Now, if this is happening ALL THE TIME, then go ahead and dump the irresponsible kid, but don’t think just because he forgets that he doesn’t care. Instead of calling the person out on it and giving them such a hard time, I think it’s more important to acknowledge that we all make mistakes (if the person’s apology was sincere).

    2)All power to you. A woman that can comfortably walk in high heels is hard to find these days. However, if you expect us to stay with your pace and not complain about it, then it’s reasonable enough for us to expect it back. That means we should be allowed to walk a little slower if we’re feeling really tired or if our feet hurt.

    3) I agree, definitely not a bad trade-off at all. This point is important to me though, because I hate make up. Sure, makeup makes my girlfriend’s face “glow” and her eyes look pretty, but I love her for who she is, not what she looks like. If the guy doesn’t like makeup because he thinks you look beautiful without it, then maybe he’s got a point and you should maybe consider reducing it. Though, to your credit, if the reason he doesn’t like it is because it gets on him….. then…. yeah….. look elsewhere.

    4) Though you TRULY in your heart may not care, we always believe that you do care. Especially since you, yourself said that you’re a girly-girl, we will ALWAYS think twice about taking you to the local chinese place that we and our “boys” hang out at. Yes, a man should be able to make decisions, I agree, but perhaps the reason he seems stumped is because he’s afraid that the place he picks won’t be good enough for you and won’t impress you.

    5) This seems to contradict your previous point. If you don’t care where you go out on a date, then why does it matter if it’s drinks, or a walk in the park, or even just watching a movie at your house? Shouldn’t the important thing be how you interact and talk with each other instead of what you’re physically doing while you’re together? If you’re telling a guy to get creative for where he takes you out, then do you see why he’d have a hard time making a decision as to where to go to dinner? He’d be too afraid that whatever he picks won’t be good enough for you.

    6) I agree. Tell him to drink some man-up juice.

    7) I agree. Part of what I love about my relationship is that my girlfriend and I sometimes get into discussions for hours about random things (i.e. economy, poverty, social systems, or just food, games, tv shows) because we have different views. It’s important to make sure that the both of you acknowledge that you have differing views, and that THAT’S OKAY. If we as men seem to feel that every time we disagree with you, you blow up in our face or try your darn hardest to prove us wrong, then we most definitely WILL start agreeing with everything you say. I’m not saying you’re guilty of this, but I have plenty of guy friends that appear “boring” to their girlfriends because they never disagree about anything- but that’s because the girlfriend always reacts negatively when the guy DOES disagree.

    8) Sometimes, it’s not as easy as it seems. Especially if the relationship is just starting out, there may be things under the surface keeping him at the job (i.e. family situations, debt, bills, connections with the boss, etc). Going out and chasing your dream is easier said than done when even Harvard grads are having a tough time finding jobs.

    9) Eh, I disagree with this point. Sure, the ex-girlfriend should not be a focal point in the conversations or a topic that keeps coming up. However, if the guy feels comfortable enough with you to reference her, then what’s the issue? You should trust that he’s over her and is perhaps just using a memory to make a point in conversation. It doesn’t mean he’s still madly in love with her. Now, if he can’t stop talking about her, if he’s texting her, hanging out with her, or she’s even coming to dates with you guys, that’s an entirely different story. But coming up in conversation? C’mon… Then you just come off as unnecessarily jealous.

    10) True. However, just how you love wearing high heels and makeup and we should accept you for that, sometimes us men just love watching our Monday night football games, and you should accept us for that. Maybe in the relationship those could be the nights you choose to have your “girl time,” or “me time.” Balance is good.

    11) I agree. Be comfortable in your own skin for YOU, not for someone else.

    12) I’m not sure how to take this point. Just because you’re a journalist doesn’t mean you should bring work home with you and treat us like a person you’re interviewing. Sometimes, we just don’t have all the answers, or we’re unsure of a lot of things.

    13) I agree. Similarly, though, there are special things for us too- like watching Monday Night Football ;-)

    14) This is reasonable enough. However, if your schedule is soooo packed that you need to schedule a date just as how you’d schedule a business appointment, then are you sure you have enough time to be a full-time girlfriend?

    15)I agree.

    16) Nothing wrong with that. If that’s your type then so be it. Don’t forget, though, that often, opposites attract.

    17)I agree. However, if we ask you to please stop leaving your shoes in the middle of the floor because every night we trip over them on the way to bed, and every night you leave the shoes there and we trip, it will eventually get very annoying. I agree though that someone who is very very OCD about tidiness needs to chill, because we often are trying very hard, even if it doesn’t always show.

    18) I agree, and similarly, we need “me time” and “boy time.” So don’t expect us to just be able to drop in at a moment’s notice just because you really want to see us.

    19) I agree. Though maybe you just have different kissing styles? I once kissed a girl who thought she was a great kisser, and she turned out to be awful. She was very aggressive and had always dated guys who were into that, and I am a much more gentle, sensual kisser.

    20) I agree. Chivalry goes a very, VERY long way.

    21) I agree, though, similar to my very first point, things sometimes come up and we just can’t make it. If it happens all the time, though, then yeah, goodbye.

    22) I agree. Hygiene can go a very long way.

    In my response I was in no way attempting to discredit anything you wanted in a man; I was simply trying to offer the male perspective on it. Feel free to provide feedback. Also, my most recent post is somewhat similar to this idea of feeling “comfortable,” and “confident” with who you are. Check it out if you get the chance:

    correkted.wordpress.com

  71. OMG you are me! Rarely have i read something that i agree a 110% with. My pet peeve is: “But you’re not blonde?!” as a response to the information that I’m from Sweden. I’ve got bright red hair… I think I have heard that from every single guy i’ve been out with.

  72. Totally brilliant! So tweeting it to my friends, sending it to my mother, printing it out to stick on my wall and saving it under my favs. Its brilliant both in frank truthfulness and in bold writing. Well bloody done!

    I read a lot of myself in it, because I tend to do the same not just for men, but for people – I hold myself back and allow them to be who they are to the detriment of who I am. And yes, I’m working on it. And yes, this is also why I have been single for a long time – I’ve stopped making excuses for what I want. If you cant deliver, move on.

    Love it… will be back!

    x

  73. Hey, found your post on Freshly Pressed. What a fabulous post! Loved every bit of it. Shared it with the guy I’m about to date. Thanks. :)

  74. Wow.

    Its so nice to know that even though thousands and thousands of km seperate us, we can still have the same opinions and be facing the same… dilema’s.

    I live in Melbourne, Australia and I just stumbled across your blog. Its great. Its totally how I feel.

    Your list is so me. If I say I dont care, I DONT CARE! Pick and move on! Why is it that men think everything is a trick and we are just waiting to trap them and trip them up.

    We are busy. We have better things to do with our time, get over yourself.

    My friend and I have just started a blog, Powder Room Confessions (http://powderroomconfessions.wordpress.com) to talk about exactually that.

    Why is it that we are ‘spinsters’ and a spinster is a woman unmarred beyond the ‘usual age’ but a man is a ‘bachelor’ and thats just an unmarried man.

    Off topic, sorry.

    All I know is that I love your blog and I only hope that ours is nearly as well read and appreciated.

    Can I add, as a lasting comment to add to your above list.

    – If its our first date, ALWAYS offer to pay! Make a good impression, respect the traditions of dating. Im not saying you always have to pay, just the first time.

    Would you mind if I put a link on our blog to your blog?

  75. Pingback: Frankly, I Do Give a Damn (via Confessions of a Love Addict) « you'll always be my thunder.

  76. Just wow really! My sister would have me try and believe this all the time about loving yourself first, but she has never really put it as well as you, very impressed, and touched, and glad you (and lots of others) feel like me sometimes!

  77. Pingback: And I thought I was bitchy….. « Brothelbabe's Blog

  78. I love this; I have the exact same problem. I love that you are ready to change. Only we can change, and then people won’t be able to treat us the same. Excellent!

  79. Pingback: Frankly, I Do Give a Damn (via Confessions of a Love Addict) « by day and night

  80. From a Christian perspective (I hope you don’t mind):
    I believe in the saying that a woman should be so in depth with God that man should have to seek God to find her. But that’s if you’re a Christian.
    A Christian view of relationships is based on, of course, love. But not the secular form of feel-good love. 1Corinthians lays it out pretty well.
    Love:
    -is Patient
    -is Kind
    -Does not boast
    -Is not proud
    -Does not envy
    -Not easily angered
    -Is not selfish
    -Keeps no record of wrongs
    -It protects, trusts, hopes and perserveres

    My point in all of this is, if you’re running for these guys then what chance are you giving them to prove themselves to you by pursuing you? By showing that you *are* a beautiful person and that you deserve it?!
    As much as you should be there to support them, they should be the man in the relationship. They should be able to live joyfully on their own before they meet you, and be even more well off afterwards.
    They should *respect* you. Put their time and effort into you. Love is self-sacrificing, on both ends.

    So to wrap it up. Keep high standards.
    Don’t settle. God’s got someone out there for you!

    I’m praying for you Miss Tigar!
    Love in Christ!
    -TiA

  81. bravo.! I agree and couldn’t have put it any better. I defiantly believe we share the same values. and I’m only 16. tho a lot of the time i can be to scared to show them. not that I’m trying to avoid a argument. (well maybe that) but because i don’t like to show disappointment. after being disappointed so many times in one life time you become tired, and choose not to show it anymore and dust it off and act like it never happen. which i guess is not always the best way to go seeing that your holding in your feelings in all. Which makes you a ticking time bomb ready to go KABOOM.! (we dont want that)

    well you have inspired me to write a new entry. thank you.!

  82. Love this post!! Congrats on being Freshly Pressed.

    “I almost always crumble into someone who is readily available, kind and inviting, and overly easy to get along with.”

    I find this happening to me too. I think these can be good qualities to have, but not when they aren’t right or if you are sacrificing part of yourself to be this way. The guy I’m dating recently said to me that I’m so easy to please, so easy to get along with. And then I read this post. The fact is, I’m not that easy to please. I’m not that easy to get along with. I’m high maintenance damn it! But in the early parts of the relationship, I find myself hiding these parts of me. YES I have an opinion on the restaurant at which we eat. YES I was annoyed when you said you were going to call me last night and you didn’t. NO it is not OK that you said you were going to come see me and changed your mind at the last minute. I didn’t even realize I was doing some of these things until I read your post. Thank you for the reminder. I’m not saying I should be a total bitch, but I need to start speaking up again. I don’t know where my voice went. But now that I realize the problem, I’m going to far more aware and vocal of my needs/wants.
    http://simplysolo.wordpress.com

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  84. I am really pleased to have found this on Freshly Pressed today; I’ve really enjoyed reading this post, and many of your others too. Keep up the good writing, and good luck in the search for true love :) x

  85. OH MY GOSH! I so love you. I am twice your age and just figuring this stuff out. I am saving this for my daughter. Yes Ma’am!

  86. Great post.
    Any time I start dating a guy, I give them my little disclaimer (much like your list). Like you, I am very blunt and honest with my wants/needs in a relationship.
    If the guy isn’t cool with it, his lose.

  87. Oh Ghosh!
    I thought I was the only one who thought like this and rebelled against the usual goody two-shoes nor. But thank God! you exist. I live in India, though my country is soaring high as the next super power, women are still expected to be the demure-shy type creatures. Ha ha ha… way to go girl.

  88. omg, i just started blogging myself and i was looking for some to read/follow… i simply LOVE your blog, and i LOVE you!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE! i’m so happy i came across yours, keep writing and showing off that irresistably sassy personality! ;)

  89. Briliiant! I LOVE it! No apologies for who you are and what you want! I’m followin’ in your footsteps! Here’s to all of us women who know who we are and are proud of it! *cheers*

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  92. “-I’m a journalist. This means I like questions and I like answers. If you feel interrogated, maybe you should have a stronger back bone.”

    This is very powerful, and I understand exactly what you mean here. I actually had one boyfriend ask me “What are you the police or something?” After I had questioned him. HA. ha.

  93. gawd, i love this post. it’s my 2nd time reading it and i’m still enthralled by it.

    i also like being on time. i value my time, i value other people’s time. i expect the same courtesy reciprocated, especially for dates.

  94. someday you’ll find someone who will make you wonder why it never worked out with anyone else… and they’ll love you just for you. stay true to yourself and it’ll all work out. i enjoyed reading your post… and keep on wearing those high heels. love love, R

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