Recently, I had a phone reading with an angel intuitive who reads the energy of your angels. I’ve been to psychics before – and of course, my mom is an astrologer – but there was something refreshing about talking to angels, as opposed to spirits – it seemed like it might be more… real.
And it was.
Five minutes into my reading with Chris Alexandria, I was holding my breath to choke down the tears. It wasn’t so much that she predicted incredible, amazing things, but rather, that she illustrated exactly how I’m feeling. And perhaps, more importantly, what I’ve been struggling with a lot lately.
It comes as no surprise to anyone who knows me (or reads this little blog that’s been my safe place for so many years) – but I’ve been worried about not finding love my entire life. If I look back on my journals from middle school and my blogs for high school, the thread was always the same: what if he doesn’t exist?
I began seriously getting worried about the whole notion a year into college, after discovering that those ‘mature’ university men didn’t live up to the expectation I had for them. I suppose you could say the same thing about the men in New York City. While I’ve grown tremendously as a person, as a writer, as friend, as a woman – dating has been about the same… give or take a few bright lights shining from inside very dark, large, seemingly endless, vast, black hole.
But unlike that girl who arrived in Manhattan 5.5 years ago, ready to tackle the pavement, find my dream job and fall in love – I don’t have that same faith in those stars as I used to. But my hope didn’t go away overnight, but rather, over the course of many, many nights, counting how long it’s been since I felt something. How long it has been since I had that beautiful hope in something I couldn’t see, feel or predict. How long I would have to wait for something to change: for a date to go well, for a man to see me for more than another girl, another lay, another number to delete or a face to swipe.
When would it ever be my turn to be the one to be in love?
I didn’t realize that with all of my writing, all of my self-discovery, all of my analyzing, all of my dating, all of my worries and all of those tear-filled nights… I was slowly chipping away at my self-worth.
It hit me when Chris (and the angels) explained how I talk to myself: “you ask about why it hasn’t happened and what is wrong with you and when it will all change – but you don’t focus on anything positive about what you bring to the table.” She was right – nearly all of my inner dialogue is negative, and to be honest, most of the time when I’m talking about dating to my friends (as opposed to writing about it), I’ll say things like:
I’m exhausted. Dating in NYC sucks. It HAS to be better somewhere else. What’s wrong with men? What’s wrong with me? Why do I have to follow rules? Did I do something wrong? Why do men never want to settle down? All men want to have sex and that’s it. Men are terrible. This is never, ever going to happen, I should just freeze my eggs and call it a day.
When I really thought about it… and when I read it after I wrote it down… I was shocked.
It felt so foreign to me that such nasty phrases and words came out of my mind and out of my mouth. But then again – I could believe it. I’ve let this constant state of anxiety and stress over finding love turn me from the hopeful, loving, thoughtful and positive person that I really am into someone I don’t recognize: she’s bitter, she’s angry, she’s scorned, she’s sad, she’s dismissive and she’s… not me.
Instead of focusing on these things, Chris – and the angels – gave me, what I thought, seemed like a simple task: Don’t list all of the things you don’t have or what you’re worrying about. Try listing all of the reasons you’re worthy of love.
I was taking notes while listening to her reading, and I wrote down that advice casually, thinking it was a good idea and I would get to the whole ‘worthy of love’ thing eventually. Fast forward a few days and I’m home sick with a cold, watching Gilmore Girls, thinking about some guy I went on some date with… and decided to begin my list…
…and I came up with two reasons.
Two reasons I was worthy of love. And then I texted some of my friends. I made some food. I ‘took a break from journaling.’ Then I wrote down another reason. Then I tried to nap. Grabbed some hot tea. And then I Googled ‘Reasons someone is worthy of love.”
That’s right – I had to Google why I was worthy of a beautiful, great, true, passionate, genuine, long-lasting love.
There, on those lined pages, was the proof that I needed. I’ve spent four years writing this blog while building my career, traveling, fostering friendships, enduring and sometimes enjoying dates, challenging myself to think differently and stepping outside of my comfort zone every chance I get… but I still can’t come up with more than a handful of reasons about why I deserve love. All of the achievements and the gold stars, the adventures, the accomplishments and the dreams I’ve chased… and I still struggle with my own value.
I know that finding that person won’t magically make me feel better about who I am … and honestly, I wouldn’t want the presence of a man to be the reason I suddenly find myself precious and irreplaceable. I’m working on building my list – I’m up to six so far – and I’m not putting pressure on myself to make it happen all at once. Like falling in love, the process of finding your way back to yourself is gradual, it can’t be rushed and it has to come from the heart. But in case you share any of these same sentiments or struggles, I hope you know that you are worthy of love.
You are worthy of love simply because you exist. Because you inhale and you exhale. You are worthy of love because you stumbled across this blog and you wanted to be encouraged, inspired and feel less alone. You are worthy of love because you have an open, beating, wildly beautiful, ever-hopeful heart. You are worthy of love because you are imperfect. Because you are built on strength and courage, curiosity and compassion. You are worthy of love because you give it and you intend to receive it. You are worthy of love because you look for the good when all you can see is the bad. You are worthy of love because you try. Because you dream. Because you are.
You are worthy of love because you are a human in this massive, confusing, magical, surprising, infuriating, powerful world. And that, my dear, is reason enough to believe in something as silly – and absolutely certain – as love.