The beauty of a new life. New York’s ability to give me a glimpse of hope in the most unusual places. The comfort of my father’s chicken noodle soup. The smell of my mom’s hair when she gives me a heart-to-heart hug. The lines on my best friend’s face when she smiles. My puppy’s ever-lasting and faithful playful spirit. The peacefulness of the first leaf falling in Autumn, first bloom in Spring, first tiny fluttering flake in winter, and the first warm ray from the summer sky. The feeling of reaching something you thought was unattainable.
There are many, many things I believe in.
And in myself, I also believe in many truths. I believe I was born to be a writer. I believe I am brave, diligent, and strong. I believe in the power of my dreams and my power to turn my dreams into realities. I believe I am capable of doing anything I put my mind to –physically or emotionally. I believe I am blessed in so many different ways. I believe I can turn even tiny spaces into homes and I believe I was given the heart of a humanitarian.
Step 2 is about belief. I have to believe all negativity and fears of being single forever or being hard on myself can be lifted away. I have to believe that something higher than me can lighten my load and ease my worries.
I have to believe. And I don’t.
This isn’t to say I will always feel this way –but Step 2 is going slower and is full of more difficulty than Step 1. I get to a point where I start to feel like everything will change, that I will grow and mature, and not let self-defeating thoughts and fears get to me. I’ll have a day where I feel completely secure with just being me-and-only-me, and then the next day, I see something that makes me lonely…and the sense of longing is right back where it was –the pit of my heart rocking my everything.
How do I make myself have that sincere feeling of complete trust all the time? Why can’t I just believe that a higher being can just take all of this away? Is a feeling of contentment something that’s not constant? Is it always just going to come and go, make me hopeful and then scared, together and then messy?
Belief in something out of our hands. Why is that so much more difficult than things we see, things we touch, things we’ve experienced to be true and real? Why is belief in something that is not proven, not guaranteed, not a matter of fate –so difficult to retain?
Why is the constant battle between faith and fear a fight we have to go through? Why can’t we just believe that all that is meant to be, all that’s meant to happen, all that we’re meant to be part of, feel, and endure –will just happen.
Why can’t we just let the control go? Why can’t I believe?
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Oh, Lindsay. This is a tough one. Just keep pushing through this process, and one day (soon, I believe!) you’ll surprise yourself with where you stand with yourself. I think this is one of those steps that you have to keep coming back to, that you have to keep reminding yourself of. You’re definitely one of the strongest ladies that I know, a huge inspiration to many, and I know you can do this. And by doing so, you’ll help others succeed in loving themselves as well.
This is a hard question and I find myself rocking back and forth like a boat on a choppy sea when it comes to belief. I believe that when we sense or feel negativity it is God testing us to see if we still believe. I also (even though I struggle with this one) know in my heart that everything happens in God’s time not in mine or your time :)
hang in there girl!!
I am really enjoying reading your blog, and I think you are such a great writer! I often struggle with what you mentioned often…my faith seems so weak at times, and other times it seems really strong. My only response would be to say that as you continue your journey of self-confidence and building belief, you will find that your faith matures to the point that when problems come, you rely less on someone to save you and pick you up, and your faith will strengthen as you learn to call on the right “one” for help