Sometimes I wish I was a skank.
Pardon my language –but sometimes, I think it’d be easier. If I could just jump from one bed to the other, not feeling (or at least pretending not to) anything, having incredible orgasms, and not worrying if they would call or if it would turn into love –I think I’d be a lot happier.
If I could be just nonchalant and easy-going, enjoy great sex just as much as I enjoy great wine and travel –maybe I’d be a little more “cool” or one of those elusive girls that men are always drawn to. But then, again I wouldn’t care if men were drawn to me –because I’d be mysterious and aloof.
While I tend to be forward-thinking about many things, sex isn’t one of them. Like love (big surprise here, huh?), I tend to find sex to be this very intimate, personal, and powerful thing that should only be shared with two people who sincerely care about each other. I think it can be very stress-relieving and dirty-passionate too, but I don’t feel comfortable letting my inhibitions and my panties go –unless I’m committed and in love with someone.
This kind of mentality, in my opinion, makes me classy (or a prude) –but at the same time, it can make for some pretty lengthy kiss-less and sex-less periods. I plan on the payoff one day being well worth it –but sometimes it just flat out sucks.
Even though I know how serious I take intimacy, and even though I’m doing the 12-steps, I decided that part of trying not to be a love addict is taking the pressure off things. If I want to make out with some cute guy or if I want him to run his hand down my back (or thigh, or both?) –I should be able to do that without freaking out.
Right? Ehhh…
Mr. Unavailable and I had a little too much red wine on Friday night and we took our platonic friendship to a different level that involved some kissing, some holding, and some regrettable thoughts the next day…on my part anyways. So of course, like any good love addict, I then spent the rest of the weekend obsessing about what in the world I had done.
No, I didn’t have sex. No, I didn’t sleep around. No, I didn’t fall in love or fall in hate. No, I just acted on the naturally burning and ever-evolving desire inside of me. I was longing to be cuddled, to feel sexy, to feel the weight of a man pressed up against me, and to feel secure –so I took an opportunity.
The problem is –no matter how much recovery I go through or steps I take –kissing and making out and being physical –will always mean something to me. And while I don’t think this is a bad thing, I also don’t think it makes me very good at being “single.” I mean, even Julia Roberts couldn’t handle it in “Pretty Woman” – she ended up falling in love and packing up her sexy hooker boots (they’re coming back in style, yay!) and letting her guard down with Richard Gere –and we never blamed her once for it.
My friend L says I should be using this time in my life to “have fun.” In her terms and before she was in her relationship, this meant random drunken kisses and sometimes even sexual partners. I think my friend is beautiful and wonderful –and so much freer than I am. If she would have made out with Mr. Unavailable, it wouldn’t have mattered much to her the next few days…but for me, it consumed my weekend.
And it hurt me. He didn’t hurt me. The situation didn’t hurt me. The kissing and the fire didn’t hurt me. The friendship didn’t hurt me.
The thoughts hurt me.
The punishing myself for “letting go” or “trying something new.” The pit in the bottom of my stomach that continued to grow because I know it would never become anything more than just a friends-with-benefits (term I hate, by the way). Even if I didn’t want more, knowing that it wouldn’t be more –hurt. And it hurt that I thought of my actions and the experience the rest of the weekend –during drinks, at dinner, while shopping, while sitting at the laundry mat writing this entry.
So why do I feel guilty? Or is it that I feel rejected? Or betrayed? And if betrayed –by who? By myself? By my morals? I knew what cards were on the table and I willingly made the decision to play the hand I played. There was no poker face, no leading-on, no mystery, no question –we both knew exactly what we were doing and we both said what we expected.
If I had no expectations and wasn’t even certain of my feelings or of what it would mean to me –why does it hurt?
loveaddictnyc.com 
Lindsay. I am sorry that you were hurt and that this played with your thoughts. I know how that goes and it stinks. I love you girl and I will be praying for you. Just stay as strong as you can…and refrain from the skank wish. ;P
Girl I have been there and the reason it hurts is because you know what you want but you don’t know who has what you want. Who will fulfill your every need, desire, and want. When we as women who actually care about ourselves and don’t sleep around get a little scandalous we feel “hurt” the next day because we didn’t 100 percent get fulfilled like we wanted too.
Don’t worry Linds, I have the same feelings and reservations that you do. I too am still waiting to reap my rewards for being a reserved romantic. I keep telling myself that things will eventually happen, but I’d rather be true to myself (and not be a skank) until I find the right guys. Because I know the one I eventually fall for will like that about me :)
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I agree with you when you say that you don’t feel comfortable having sex unless you are committed with the man. But I don’t think that being a skank is wrong.. they are simply different ways of thinking and behaving. Try to manage with this aspect of your personality, it’s just yourself. There’s no reason why you should feel guilty.
Araaagh this is *exactly* how I’m feeling right now. I really really wish I could be that girl who could just “have fun” but I just can’t turn off that “I want to share this experience with someone who deeply cares about me and vice versa” switch in my brain. It’s really frustrating sometimes.
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A dear friend of mine is going through a similar battle and asks me the same questions you are asking your readers. Now, I understand that there are always differences between unique realities but there seems to be enough similarity between the core of your challenges. Here is what has worked for her.
Realize that you are not broken, damaged or wrong. You are fighting yourself. Your wanting to be a “Skank” is ironic as you seem like a wonderfully whole person. If you are trying to be something you are not to gain acceptance than you are moving in the wrong direction.
However, you might be completely different than my friend and this could be out of place. Either way, you are beautiful and I look forward to reading more honesty.
Bret
Thank you so much for your words. I know I’m not broken! I’m just being honest of how I feel at certain times. I’m learning to lovingly accept and forgive myself. Hope you continue to read!
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Lindsay, if you’re anything like me, you felt ‘hurt’ because what you felt that night, and the next morning, is not what you want. It’s not the subconscious goal in your heart and the ’empty’ feeling afterward, the knot in your stomach is the fear that you’ve pushed your true goal, a little further away. But don’t be too hard on yourself. ‘Setbacks’ are checkpoints in my book. :)
Luna
Aw, I love “setbacks are checkpoints” – so true!
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