It was snowing on Saturday when I left my apartment to catch the downtown train. I’ve been aching for a change and for the temperatures of Spring, so naturally my hair became a prime canvas. I’m not sure where this craving for transformation grew from — I’ve felt really settled and comfortable lately.
In fact, I haven’t desired much lately at all. With many amazing things spattered about my calendar in the months to come, I’m impressed with the life I’ve made and the days that I have to look forward to.
But that hunger. The fight. The work… To meet someone. Well, it’s gone.
Sure, I’m checking online dating profiles and if a guy wants to buy me a drink, I let him. I send flirty text messages and from time to time, I sext with Mr. Smith. But nothing is really piquing my interest or encouraging the flight of butterflies and bumblebees. I haven’t felt their gentle and intoxicating stampede for nearly two years now.
And the thing is, I’m kind of satisfied.
Sure on nights like last night when the sleet beat against my air conditioning and the air was so cool I took two trains to get home, just to avoid being outside for an avenue longer than I needed. When I watch my beautiful best friends fall in love with men who have a promising twinkle in their eyes, I wonder when my turn will come. Sometimes I question if it will ever arrive at all — or if a girl with a heart as big as mine ca ever find another one to love in return. Sometimes, as my parents age and things don’t work as well as they once did, I feel guilty for leading a selfish existence instead of producing the grandchildren they keep telling me they look forward to spoiling.
I get down on myself, but I’ve been happier by myself than ever before. There’s something nice about solitude and those Saturdays I get to spend at the salon and the dog park, running in Central and treating myself to a $6 latte just because I want it. Or booking a trip to Mexico with my best friend because we want to celebrate being sufficient and young — and in need of some serious sun. And if I feel like going out on a Friday, the city is my playground with it’s men just pawns in a game that I’m good at playing, even if I’ve yet to win. But if I want to stay in, there is no harm, no guilt from a partner who wants to do something else, the only harm, really, is in my fear of missing out.
Lots of my friends who mastered being single a lot faster and earlier than I did used to tell me about these perks – of never having to consider another person in any decision. Or being able to date around to see what feels right, right now and what may feel right later on. They used to talk about how good it felt to be free and to have endless options, opportunities — from travel and finances to dining and sex.
I never understood it, though.
I wanted to factor in a man into the plan. I wanted him to figure out what we were cooking for dinner, what we were doing next weekend, what we wanted to do about that lightbulb in the kitchen that keeps going out or where we should take the dog to get her yearly vaccinations. I craved those discussions. I needed to meet him so I could go ahead and start thinking about the rest of my life.
But why wait for my life to begin when I’m already living it? Why linger to get satisfaction instead of doing things to satisfy myself?
When 2013 started, I had a feeling in my bones that it would bring about positive change and personal growth. I just knew that something big — something incredible — was in my cards this year, and the romantic in me convinced herself it had to do with love.
And maybe it still does. Or maybe not.
Sure, I might meet that man — who is as elusive and imaginary to me as he’s always been — but I think I’d rather meet a better version of myself. I’d rather become a woman I’m proud of. One who doesn’t need a man … and that’s why she meets him. Not because she’s doing all the right things and working hard to be available and open, but because she’s herself, leading a life she’s proud of.
And most importantly, she can get some satisfaction… with or without him.
I completely agree! I spent so much of my early twenties HATING being single. And, now, all of a sudden, I get it. Like you… I love just doing whatever the hell I want to do. Booking tickets around the world just because I feel like it. Playing in my city on a Friday night just because I feel like it. Enjoying the free drinks, free dinners, and free kisses. Yeay for us, finally realizing how fun being single actually is!
Women pick and choose their whole lifetimes, mostly turning men down. You get tired of Mr. Wrongs, then sleep with one anyway who is more adept at lies and deception than you are at screening them out.
Single evening conversations don’t connect me with a woman. They can’t learn enough about me, what I am like, how I interact with others. That makes online dating a dead end.
Those women want instant pizazz, or you are labeled “unfit” or uninteresting. And they hardly know you at all. Seems their shallowness is not worth knowing anyway.
Or your single life is so full, you have no time and make every guy seem needy.
Bars are meat markets. Clubs are meat markets. Dance lessons the same. Gyms.
Be a regular somewhere, get to know someone interesting. Don’t get close until you you’ve spent months getting to know them. Then you are already friends, and looks matter less, and mutual appreciation is increased and tolerant of small difference.
Be in a running club, or travel club. Check “meetups”.
So I nominated you for a Sunshine award. You can take it and run with it or not. I just enjoy your blog quite a bit and you express everything that I, as a single 20-something female, feel and go through and sometimes wish I could articulate. You can see the award at http://fusteratedreader.wordpress.com/2013/03/19/sunshine-award-what/
Congratulations for this post! I am a man, and you wrote it obviously for women, but reading it was so good and uplifting anyway. I just cannot find words to tell you how much pleasure is to find a woman who is proud to herself, and in the same time has her heart in the right place. (I’ve read your last three posts too.)
I would like to tell you more and get a reaction from your part. If you feel interested, please write to my email address. I would appreciate it much.:)
Pingback: Delete. Delete. Delete. | Confessions of a Love Addict
Pingback: My First Year With Lucy | Confessions of a Love Addict
Pingback: Once Upon a Tinder | Confessions of a Love Addict