You’re Never Going to Meet Someone

You’re never going to meet someone online.

Not when your profile looks like that — how old are those photos? No selfies. No professional pictures. Look like you’re having fun. Lots and lots of fun — you don’t want to come across too serious. Don’t give away too much in your personal description. You should be witty and quick, but not like you’ll outsmart the man. Never be intimidating. But guys online, are they worth it anyway? There has to be something wrong with them, why else would they need to resort to clicking through women on the web? What an awful love story that would be to tell your kids — Dad messaged Mom and Mom replied and then you went out for drinks in the West Village. Nah, don’t meet someone online. Meet them the old fashioned way.

You’re never going meet someone like they used to back when.

No one just runs into someone at a coffee shop, strikes up conversation and magically falls in love. You don’t just fall down in front of some guy on some bus at some airport and figure out you live close to each other. Close enough to go on a random date and randomly start a relationship. It doesn’t happen that way anymore — dating is work. It’s strategic. You don’t just see a handsome person and figure out you have something in common and go from there. You have to do everything you can to find anyone worth anything. Don’t be silly and unreasonably optimistic. You’ll be single forever if you do that.

You’re never going to meet someone if you spend a lot of time in your apartment.

You’re so young! You have so much energy! You have endless time to find the right person — so you should be going out all. the. time. That happy hour, go. That event your kind-of friend invited you to that has free drinks, make sure to RSVP. Mingle. Flirt. Strike up a conversation with anyone who seems remotely interesting. Don’t go home after working non-stop at work, instead, find a reason to stay out. To find a dude who is also prowling the town. He’s looking for you too, don’t worry. But you won’t meet him if you spend all your time at your humble abode.

You’re never going to meet someone if you keep going to bars.

What kind of people are in bars? Not the type of men that you’d want to settle down with. They’re drunks. They’re irresponsible. I mean, c’mon, they chug Bud Light for $8 a pop. Or worse, they actually like PBR. They still dress and act like they’re in college. How do they go out every single night of the week and still manage to be productive at their jobs? Why would you want to end up with someone who goes to bars all the time? Who doesn’t know it’s important to spend some time at home, relaxing. No, you should meet someone at a gallery opening. Or through a mutual friend. Maybe by joining a co-ed kickball team or going to a comedy club. Meet some sophisticated gentleman who is better than those jerks in Murray Hill. You live in New York — there are so many ways to meet guys, just not one at a bar. That’s gross.

You’re never going to meet someone if you put so much focus on your career.

I know, I know, it’s important. I know, it’s why you decided to move hundreds of miles away. And yes, you love it. Yes, it’s demanding and you love every second of the fast-pace, challenging and exciting environment. It fulfills and intrigues you, sure. But no guy wants to be with a girl who works so hard. Who cares so much about her career and where she’s heading. They want a woman who can compromise. Who will make an excellent, loving mother. You definitely can’t have both — even if you see women at your job who rock the office and the home every day — no, you can’t actually do it. If you keep pulling long hours and working from home on the weekends when you’re supposed to be off, no man will be interested in you. When will you ever have time to take care of his needs?

You’re never going to meet someone if you aren’t impressive.

You should be able to stand on your own two feet confidently, successfully, totally alone. You should have an awe-worthy resume and a rich, fulfilling life that involves travel and expertise, impressive qualifications and background stories that’ll entice anyone who will listen. Wear nice things. Have a refined taste in your wine, your culture, what you believe and what you like to do. Take those expensive classes and learn to speak more than one language. You have to stand out from all of the other women who really, really want his attention. You have to be different and you simply can’t be ditsy or someone who puts what he wants over what you’re trying to achieve.

You’re never going to meet someone if you’re so picky.

Does he really need to be tall? Or have an amazing career that pays well? Who needs a full head of hair or a steady paycheck? Who cares if you have the same upbringing or moral standards? Maybe you’re not that attracted to him and maybe he doesn’t actually stimulate you (at all) — but he really, really likes you. He’s good enough, isn’t he? You could make yourself really into him — just think of all that he could provide. Or all that he could be someday. He could be a fixer-upper project — someone that you mold into who you want. Right? You keep passing up perfectly good guys because you’re not falling in love with them. Or turned on by them. How will you ever settle down…if you never settle on someone?

You’re never going to meet someone if you don’t raise your standards.

You stayed with that guy who was wrong for you… for so long. And then you pined over him for a year after the relationship fizzled. How could you put up with that? Why would you lower what you want? You should wait for a man who treats you right. Who you’re crazy about. One that is more wonderful than you could ever imagine. You’re so special, why would you be with someone who is terribly boring and ordinary? Or doesn’t really get you going. You should be more selective about who you date — why do you give everyone a chance? Not everyone deserves a second of your valuable time. Silly girl, you deserve better.

You’re never going to meet someone if you don’t try harder.

Every time you leave your apartment — you could run into the man you’ll marry. He’s out there, after all. So you better put your best face forward and dress in a way that’ll lure him in. Always be prepared to meet your destiny and always anticipate that something could happen in an instant. Your whole life could be completely different six months from now but if you don’t open your eyes and your heart to let change in, it’ll never happen. You’re not trying hard enough. You’re not putting yourself out there. You think you are, but are you really? Are you really putting yourself out there? Are you really ready to receive love?

You’re never going to meet someone if you try so hard.

You’re doing everything you can to find the right guy: you’re going out all the time, you’re online dating, you’re loosening your preferences and you’re raising the stakes. But guys will sense that. They can smell desperation. They know that you’re putting so much out there that you’d really just go with the first man who expressed interest. You should be more mysterious. Try being aloof and disinterested. Unattached. You have to come across as confident and happily single — not a girl who is looking for someone. Nope, you’re just fine, just by yourself. Until you meet the right guy and then you’ll change everything you are to fit into his life.

You’re never, ever going to meet someone. Not like that. Not like this.

Just because you do everything right or what everyone tells you that you should do, doesn’t mean you’re going to meet the right man in the right way at the right time. But if you really do want to meet someone, the best thing you can do is whatever feels right to you.

And more importantly, by being exactly who you are.