You Don’t Have to Be Okay With It

You don’t have to be okay with it.

The guys who show up late or cancel 30 minutes before. The ones who can’t seem to remember your birthday but know your number at 2 a.m. The guys who lie about their height and their age, the ones who refuse to work on anything that’s wrong or not quite right in a relationship. The guys who tell you to calm down, relax, don’t freak out, stop being such a … girl.

You don’t have to be okay with it.

The guys who no matter how much you squint your eyes or hold your breath or try to convince yourself, you’re just not that into it. The ones who seem so perfect and so full of possibility on paper, but you cringe at the thought of getting naked with them. The guys who have everything and nothing you want but you could probably date them, just to stop playing the song of single you’re tired of hearing. The guys who don’t know their left from their right, your ass from your breasts, the ones who try so hard and yet, fall so short.

You don’t have to be okay with it.

The guys who desperately linger on something, anything, everything, just to stay in your life. To make themselves a permanent position in your existence, instead of your memory. The ones who don’t want to commit and don’t want to let go, the guys who promise to be there and yet, don’t understand what that even means. The ones who can only weave a story of regret instead of building a plot made of respect. And loyalty. The guys who can say all of the right words but only mean them with half of their heart.

You don’t have to be okay with it.

The guys with hands smooth like a liquor, that soothe and stimulate you, leaving you warm and questioning. The ones who want the friendship and the benefits, but nothing more or less. The guys who bed whomever they’d like, and judge you for making the same choices. Or worse, get jealous without merit or reason. The ones who grow envious of your success out of their own insecurities. The guys who want to tuck you away to themselves and always leave you at an arm’s reach, never too close but never too far away. The ones who miss the point of intimacy and the ones who don’t know how to harbor it to begin with.

You don’t have to be okay with it.

The nights when you swear you won’t let yourself get disappointed again, and somehow, you are. The ones where you hide away or toss out every tiny photograph or framed print that reminds you of what you don’t have. The days you spend spewing out relationship advice that you have little experience and expertise to give. The moments when you bite your tongue and wring your hands, just to keep that pit of fear from growing bigger than your hope, just to keep even the smallest light of optimism alive, somewhere deep down inside of you. The late nights or happy hours you spend putting yourself out there, sitting across from get another bad date, a new annoying guy that you simply can’t wait for something or anything to steal your attention away from the boredom. The quiet hours you lay in bed, alone, looking out to the city that thrives and glows outside. The city that has so much love but makes it incredibly hard to find a love you’d like to keep.

You don’t have to be okay with it.

You can say it’s wrong when it is, admit it’s hard when it sucks. You can count your blessings when you feel them, and cry yourself into a slumber if it’ll give you a piece of peace. You can ignore a text and only have one drink, fall into a cab that’ll whisk you away from the guy that just wasn’t a match. Just like all the rest. You can block email and phone numbers, respond to a late night persuasion if the moon strikes you at twilight. You can be picky and ridiculous, jealous and afraid, all at the same time without giving any reasoning — or any shit — at all. You can ask for answers that you won’t get until the time is right, and you can say you’re fine when you’re really not. You can cling to dreams and swallow the dose of reality that you know you probably need. You can feed your anger and your anguish, and give more power to the threat of never ever.

You don’t have to be okay with being single or anything else that comes with it, but you also can’t give up. You can do whatever you like and whatever you need to get through dating and learn to like it, but you have to try. You can’t hide from it. You have to believe in love and change, timing and fate, but most of all, you must believe in yourself.