There are guys who are so very, very wrong for you.
But they feel really good. They’re intoxicating with spirits that are so complicated it’s incredibly sexy. There are guys who love being by your side but feel at least an arm’s reach away. Guys who are not just good at games but the art of the chase is so ingrained into their personality that frankly, they don’t even know they’re playing anymore. There are guys who dig that attention, who get off on the fight but can’t get off on when it’s actually right. There are guys who keep you lingering, but will never learn how to hold you in a way that eases you how you need.
There are guys who will never fall in love.
Because they are selfish with their emotions. There are guys who lead a life free of obligations, void of romance and well, they’re fine with it. They don’t crave it. There are guys who will never be satisfied sharing a bed with just one woman or only being fawned after by one girl. There are guys who may think the idea of happily ever after seems alluring, but not enough to work for it. Not enough to settle into something of substance. There are guys who want to be taken care of without having to return the favor. Without having to do any labor for anyone else at all. There are guys who see women as prizes, not as partners.
There are guys who won’t call you back.
They’ll say they will. There are guys who take you by surprise at some bar at some place and you exchange some choice words that make you think there is more to be found. But there’s not. There are guys who want what they want when they want it, but won’t ever give you what you want. There are guys who know how to make a move without flinching a heart string. There are guys who will be everything you ever dreamed of over a 12-hour period, only to disappear into the land of forgotten, never-to-be-understood jerks that don’t know better. Or if they do, they can’t be bothered. Or they don’t know how to express themselves.
There are guys who will say all of the right things.
And it’ll make you really want to believe in them. There are guys who may think those poetic words they speak come from a place of sincerity, but really, it’s just scripts they’ve mastered. Lines they’ve memorized that sound really great. There are guys who are so shattered themselves that they like the way forever sounds rolling off their lips. There are guys who know what you want and think they can be it, so they say what it takes for you to trust. There are guys who play house by using language that makes you think they can see a future with you. A whole lifetime together. There are guys who are so afraid of hurting you or seeing you cry that they will truly say anything to avoid it. Even if it’s three words they don’t actually mean. And maybe — probably — never will.
There are guys you can’t get out of your head.
Because they won’t get out of your inbox. Or your voicemail. There are guys who hold on for the sake of keeping a hint of a hope that maybe-this-could-work-out. But it won’t. It’s not supposed to. There are guys who like to keep a good girl in his back pocket or on that backburner, just far enough to give her space to partially let go, but never enough to where she loses the far-fetched dream that he’ll come back around. That he’ll be different. There are guys who may care but their intentions are so cloudy, so jaded that they can’t tell you how they feel because they don’t know. But even if they aren’t sure of how in love — or not in love — they are with you, they’ll never tell you. Because then you may just become another ex-girlfriend left getting the bitter aftertaste out of her mouth. Out of her heart.
There are guys who will never be more than friends with benefits.
No matter how much pillow talk and bacon-and-eggs you share together. Even if he remembers how you take your coffee and gets it for you in the morning. There are guys who enjoy the comfort and the curves of a woman’s body but can’t navigate past the breasts to find the heart. There are guys who know to go harder and go faster and hit the buttons you love the most — but when they say that a relationship is off the table, they mean it. There are guys who may touch you so tenderly you can’t possibly understand how there isn’t anything more than sexual tension sparking between you. But there’s not. Not for him. Not for these guys.
There are guys who break your heart over and over.
Because you let him. Because it feels better to feel pain than to feel the vast void of the unknown. There are guys who come in and out of your life, sweeping under places you sealed, knocking down protection you built up, encompassing the heart that’s still fragile from the last time he was here. There are guys who will take you up on any invitation at any hour and come with the right words, the right kiss, the perfect excuse and you’ll believe him. You’ll believe it again and again. There are guys who can’t say no but what’s worse, they also can never say yes.
But there are also guys who want to be better.
Somewhere out there, anyway. There are guys who have grown tired of playing on the streets and at the bar, and want to trade their slacker attitude for slacks and a tie. There are guys who are tired of all the bullshit, just like you are. There are guys who have actually learned from their mistakes and from the girls they’ve wasted because they just weren’t ready. Or they couldn’t care enough to love them. Ones who want to come home to something. To someone. There are guys who are working on themselves so they can be worthy of the likes of someone as wonderful as you. There are guys who want to be bolder to meet your needs. Who want to be everything you desire. There are guys who want to be generous with words that mean something, who want to be committed to something longer than Saturday night. Something deeper than your sheets.
There are lots of guys out there. You’ve met them. You’ve slept with them. You’ve loved them. You’ve trusted them. There are after all, a lot more guys than there are men. But some guys, at least, are working on becoming men.
And trust me there are men. And it’s the men you need to meet. It’s the men you will love one day. That is, once they’re finished being guys.
loveaddictnyc.com 
Seems men are busy being men. Maybe. Guys go prowling for dreamy eyed women to lie to, and with.
A lot of women are not ready for a man, and just want a guy. So a guy will do.
And of course, they are worried that who may seem a man, is just a guy. Or think maybe they can turn a guy into a man, their man.
Give him man tests. A man will be making love to you a thousand times, so there is no rush for the first time. He’ll love to kiss, since that can last a lot longer than sex, and is delicious all by itself. Don’t wait to kiss if that seems right. But more ? If positions he wants don’t also involve kissing you, you are not even his fantasy, just convenient.
And a lot men, seem to just become them growing up. But in respecting women, we are not where women go looking.
To me, it seems there is always an ocean between good women who recognize a man. At least this one. And a long swim, an interminable horizon that never gets closer. Until it does.
Being a guy like Lindsay describes has never interested me. Who grows up wanting to be forgotten, to hurt people, to not care, to not be loved, to not inspire ? Grotesque twisted existence.
There is nothing better than a great relationship. Talk about heaven. You’ve got one, you’ve got the other. Each great friendship, successful happy children, and that special someone who is our spouse, who makes life complete.
Starve the bastards.
Dear writer!
I think you described these guys stronger and more independent than how they are in reality.:)
„Because they are selfish with their emotions. There are guys who lead a life free of obligations, void of romance and well, they’re fine with it.”
Yes, they are selfish, and yes, they want a life free of obligation, but they still want romance or at least they would like to have some kind of good, true relation.
But they don’t allow themselves it.
They are coward to open up and be vulnerable, even after a long time of being together with a wom-an.
They don’t afford to risk sometimes to be rejected or to feel a little bit like a fool. They should be all time in total control and armor. This is, in fact, a basic weakness and incapability for a loving relationship.
They can accept only adoration, but they fear of love, because love implies intimacy, and intimacy requires voluntarily demolishing those protective and separating inner walls. But their incorrigible cowardice will never enable it.
Anyway, I hope I don’t need to say, these guys are not good enough for you, open-hearted girls. They are not worthy to think about them more than one tenth of a second. Maybe take a hasty look at them, but afterwards leave them instantly. You deserve something much-much better.:)
———-
I’ve read your post to the very end just now. What a beautiful writing!! It meant a lot for me reading the thoughts of a woman who is thinking like this. Please remain this gorgeous always. With women like you around, we ‘guys’ will have the continuous stimulation to make all the efforts to grow into ‘men’.
With the kindest regards,
trevor_davis@ymail.com
Reminds me of that song, “Some Boys” by Death Cab for Cutie:
Some boys are filling the hole
Joylessly flinging with the girls that they’re bringing to their rooms
Some boys are sleeping alone
Some boys don’t know how to love
And what you said at the beginning, “They’re intoxicating with spirits that are so complicated it’s incredibly sexy. There are guys who love being by your side but feel at least an arm’s reach away.” — Totally my ex!
this is great lindsay! a much needed read today =)
AWESOME READ!
Where are those men L.? I think they live in fantasy land or already married.
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am in love with this piece
Brought tears… After going for the wrong guys my whole life (last 3 married eeeek) I am trying to come to terms with my seeming inability to be attracted to these good men I know I have had so many of them fall at my feet but I just find them so boring and looking at love addiction and the patterns I am starting to understand… Have been single for a while for the first time trying to figure out who the hell I am but anyway enough about me! Thanks for your beautiful piece really touching x
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