I’m Female, I’m Single, I’m Human

The whole origination of this blog, the reason so many websites, organizations, and therapists make money, and why Carrie Bradshaw is a household name is due to one fact:

Being a single gal isn’t easy.

And the journey to learning to love yourself, no matter what, is one that is full of trials, complications, thoughts, changes, and mishaps. Sometimes, you get hit with responses you never considered and you have to learn to readjust and turn your direction. Often times, to find your way, you have to be willing to travel through the bumps, and the misguiding, misleading avenues that steer us to destinations we never intended to visit.

When I started writing this blog – it was never for anyone but me. I promoted through Facebook for my friends and I wanted to use it as a space for me to be completely honest, to start making better decisions about relationships, and to make a commitment to falling madly in love with myself. I had reached a point where men had literally consumed each and every single one of my thoughts, my choices, my actions, my life – and I was so exhausted of giving them energy, time, and spirit-I had to make a change. I’ve never been officially diagnosed as a “love addict” and I’m not trying to make light of those who have been – I merely coined the name and proscribed myself a healthy dose of reality.

As some readers have pointed out and perhaps even my friends – I go back and forth. Some days I’m fine and others I’m a mess. Some days I want to be hell in heels and walk away from every man that’s done me wrong or has the opportunity to hurt me. And others, I long to be wrapped up in someone’s embrace more than anything else in this big ole’ city. The comments in yesterday’s blogcaught me off guard and if I’m honest, maybe hurt my feelings a little bit. My first reaction was to defend myself and defend the purpose of the blog and of the journey – but then I took a step back.

And ya know what, I realized they’re right.

I am one quite incredibly ridiculous walking contradiction. My mood changes with the wind, along with my preferences, my tastes, and my desires. Sometimes I feel like I need a man to complete me and other times I don’t want one at all. There are days whenchildren light up my day and then they completely freak me out. Certain mornings, I wake up longing for a relationship, and some nights I go to bed totally alone and unbothered by it. I can go from crying and obsessing, to calm, cool, and collected in the same 12-hour span.

I’m not making excuses for myself, but I am human. And truth be told, I’m not a recovered “love addict” by the terms of a professional or of my own. I mean, I’m only on Step 5, actually.

I’m not an expert. I’m not the woman who has everything together and the leader of the troops for those battling the dating trenches. I don’t have a background in psychology and if anyone asks me for advice, I always say my thoughts come from experience, not from expertise. I’ve never believed that overnight or in six months’ worth of blog posts, I would ultimately be cured of each and every quality that caused me issues. I’m not a lot of things – but one thing I am…is honest.

As happy and as thankful I am that people can resonate with what I write, that it helps people – and apparently provides entertainment and mocking rituals for others – I write because it helps me. When I put it on paper, when I publish it, when I dig through my own feelings by giving them life on a page, I work through my own problems. The way I approach things and the decisions I make may not be the best ones and I could quite possibly be a Southern gal who lands facedown on Northeastern pavement – but I’m not afraid of that. I take responsibility for my choices and more importantly, I stand by the freedom to make them. If the blog and this journey has taught me a single important lesson, it’s that I have the strength, the ability, the confidence, and the will to stand alone.

And this blog isn’t about the men who cascade in my life, about Mr. Possibility, about Mr. Unavailable, or Mr. Fire– they have a space on this blog because I’m working through my past and I’m attempting to create a future that’s healthy and promising. It isn’t about those who read it, those who dislike it, or those who are recovered from obsessing about guys or those who claim they never have – it’s about me. I can’t be the voice of reason, but I can be the voice of me, Lindsay, a human, a single woman, trying to figure out what’s best for her, and allowing others a window into the life she lives.

And that life isn’t one that’s made of fairytales and I’m not (regardless if you believe it or not) searching for a Prince Charming to ride away into the sunset of Madison Avenue with. I’m not trying to be like Sex & the City (frankly, even with my high-heel obsession and desire to live in the Village, I know how unrealistic the show is. However – the dating dilemmas it portrayed are more than real – just like this blog). I’m not attempting to tell anyone how to lead their life or that they should listen to me. I’m a woman writing a personal blog and it is what it is – personal. Perhaps I get a little too gritty and maybe too intense, but I make no excuses. I’d rather be honest with myself, with all of the readers about how I feel, even if they decide not to agree. Thank you, for reality checks from time-to-time, but also know I’m not oblivious to red flags or glaring neon signs – even if I do decide to turn a cheek and test it anyways.

I’m sincerely, profoundly, aiming to love myself. I may take chances on men who quite possibly don’t deserve them and I may stumble and I may fall – but I’ll still be writing. I’ll still be learning. I hope you, whoever you are, will still continue to read. And by all means, comment.

29 thoughts on “I’m Female, I’m Single, I’m Human

  1. I have not previously read your blog, but I like your attitude. Do not ever be discouraged by the words of others. I know that this blog is probably not all about the Misters, and it will help you find what you are actually trying to obtain. Keep it up, girl!

  2. I’m really glad you posted this. You aren’t the only person who goes back and forth with wanting and not wanting a man. I do the same thing. What I’ve come to realize is that, it’s not that I want a man in my life, it’s that I want a man’s COMPANY. I don’t know if this is the same thing for you. I do want a relationship, badly, but what I want more is a man’s company. Be a “booty” call, with slightly more emotions that I’d actually like or just a friendship.

    You are learning and that’s the most important part of this whole blog. Keep on going!

  3. I haven’t flicked back to read the comments from yesterday so Im not exactly sure what it is that was said, but there is not one person I have ever known who hasn’t at some point in their life considered themselves to be a “contradiction”.

    That’s what being human is, that’s what life is!

    I dare any person (male or female) who has been single for an extended period of time to put their hand up and HONESTLY state that they have never been through periods (be it a day, weeks, months or even years) where they werent feeling happy and confident and content one moment, and completely alone and lonely the next.

    I like the honesty of your blog Lindsay, that’s why I read it. I dont always agree with you but I respect that we are both two people learning what it is we want in life and how we want to live it. Who is anyone to judge you for being honest about how you feel on any given day?

    Keep it up I say. If the entirely perfect people out there dont like the twists and turns in your outlook then it is their prerogative to simply move on to the next blog.

    We all make mistakes and wrong choices but I kinda think that’s the point, provided you learn from them and you aren’t carelessly hurting anyone else.

    All you need is to be comfortable with the choices you make and the rules you live by.

  4. part of me doesnt like that you felt the need to post this, because i personally dont think you needed to defend yourself at all.
    but i guess sometimes admitting some faults is good, hell i do it all the time in my blog.
    i hope that you wrote this post for yourself though, and not in response to the comments from the other day!

  5. Lindsay, I just want to say, “you go girl!” Just kidding. I think Lindsay brings up a good point above. She is a love addict in recovery. She never said she was cured from the addiction. She never said she would never make a mistake again, but she is trying to be honest with herself and do things with her eyes wide open. Even though I also would like Mr. Possibility to get the boot, that’s Lindsay’s choice, and if it’s a mistake, she will learn from it.

  6. The thing is…. EVERYONE is a walking contradiction. Half of the stuff you wrote about today, I can COMPLETELY relate to. Sometimes I’m ridiculously happy being single. Other times, I cry myself to sleep because I’m afraid I’ll never meet “THE ONE” (whatever that means!). Everyone wants to do what is right, but we mess up sometimes. Everyone says one thing then does something completely different the next day. It’s part of being human and just figuring things out. So keep on going, girl. You have a lot of supporters out here!

  7. Lindsay, you’re doing a great job and you’re helping all of us single ladies get through the daily struggle. We all know how hard it is to wake up some days and put that smile on and walk around as if everything is rainbows and sunshine. Even though the good days outweigh the bad, it’s always refreshing for us ladies to come on here be able to feel united in a way. You’re speaking for a generation that is going against the grain and doing things differently, and you’re doing a great job!

  8. I completely resonate with what you wrote regarding how you’re perfectly fine one day and falling apart the next. Yes, we are human and this is your blog and you have every right to say whatever you want. I very recently just walked away from a difficult relationship. It was even worse than I realized…I was completely blindsided. I have no choice but to continue walking away. I am hurting a lot right now and I’m turning to your blog for that sense of strength to love myself and to re-focus on myself. THANK YOU for being here. It helps me get through the days.

  9. The thing that I like most about your blog is your honesty and the fact that you are willing to share your experiences with others. Just like the song Martina McBride song This Ones for the Girls” – from one to 99, we are all just the same inside. Being single has it’s problems, but marriage has it’s own set of problems, too – growing and learning is a never ending process. And sometimes the mistakes are the best part of our lives! Keep writing!

  10. People are always going to have something to say, but as long as you satisfy your harshest critic: the one in the mirror, then that’s all that matters. If you didn’t show your contradictions, the blog wouldn’t be so genuine and honest, which is what we all love about it. Don’t give in to haters!


  11. Ahh, here we go, the Amen Chorus! You go girl! Preach it! You are strong ! You are independent! You are unafraid! You spend 24/7 obsessing over men! All you think about is men and dating and relationships! How brave and independent you are!
    Look at your word cloud from your own blog. Is there one word there that is not about a man? Directly or indirectly?
    No, there isn’t. Because that’s all you are despite your false front to the contrary.
    There’s a revolution in Egypt. Women your age are risking their lives in Tahrir Square. But I’m sure you missed that on the news. You were at happy hour practicing “the look”.
    Yeah, you’re human. It’s human to be self absorbed and uninterested in anything beyond your powdered nose.
    Men sense that, by the way, and they run in the opposite direction toward a woman who has interests and passions of her own.
    This has nothing to do with recovery. I’m glad you admitted that. You’re still in the midst of your addiction.
    Put down the pipe. Read a book. Work a day in a soup kitchen or a battered women’s shelter. Write a letter to the editor about Wisconsin or Libya. Do something other than think about your self and how you feeel 24/7.
    OK, ladies, flame away.

    • Everyone is exactly where they are intended to be at any given moment. The women in Egypt are serving their purpose, just as mothers who care for their children everyday, women who serve in the armed forces, models on the runway, and young woman who are trying to understand themselves better. No experience is superior to the other, they are all just different and deserving of the same respect. It is obvious that you know very little about Lindsay and the other 99% of her life. It is easy to pass judgement on someone, especially when they are willing to be so honest and allow their flaws and mistakes and “processing” to be displayed in such a public arena. I wonder if YOU, Aggie B, have her kind of courage?

    • Thanks so much for all of your comments Aggie. If you read my blog, you would know how actively I’m involved in volunteerism, supporting women throughout the tri-state area and beyond. My educational background is in women’s studies (as detailed on my About page for your quick reference). If you read my blog, you’d know I religiously read books about a variety of topics that do not exclusively pertain to dating, love, sex, relationships, etc. If you read my blog, you’d know the editors and writers that I admire – considering I work as an editor and a writer, myself. If you feel so inclined to do such things, maybe you should stop reading my blog and start writing your own letters, volunteering, and making an effort to open your mind to different types of women’s interest issues. You might also consider brushing up on the news yourself as the heroic, populist revolution that occured at Tahrir Square has been over for quite some time now.

      As for your comments that I’m not approving – this space is not meant to be a forum for he-said, she-said nonesense and I will not compromise the integrity of this page by turning it into such. What does however disturb me is not what you say about me. It is afterall my choice to share my life and experiences with my readers. Your repeated effort to air your alleged “friend’s” personal business on the internet however, veracity aside, should be deeply concerning to any upstanding woman. I doubt you would want your personal life strewn across the internet without your knowledge, so please respect the personal lives of others. Does your friend know you are acting in such a manner?

      Please stop spamming my friends, followers, and fellow bloggers. They are not interested in your comments either. To those of you who have been harassed, I do apologize and email me if you would like to chat.

      I hope you continue to read and I appreciate each and every click. Stay warm, it’s cold out there!

    • Wow. There’s someone on the Internet you don’t agree with. I bet you’re the first person that’s ever had that experience. Here’s a tip. Don’t read her blog anymore. Stop wasting your energy and time in being hateful, and try doing any of the number of things you just mentioned. You know what real problems are? Real problems are the women in Tehrir square, not Lindsay admitting or not admitting she knew about your friend.

      Try some self-love practices yourself. While you’re bashing Lindsay for reflecting on her feelings, maybe you should do the same and direct your anger and frustration to where it’s really coming from.

      Lindsay is an adult, your best friend in Dubai is an adult, and Mr. Possibility is an adult. They can all make adult decisions and do adult things and deal with the consequences of their actions.

      Let’s do a breakdown here. Mr. Possibility made the decision to sleep with/be emotionally involved with/whatever with two different women at the same time. Now, you’re upset because your best friend got hurt. Understandable. There’s not a person in the world who has not held some sort of anger towards the “other woman.”

      Here’s my question for you. Why are you mad at Lindsay? I have no idea whether or not she knew about your friend, and frankly I don’t care. It doesn’t matter, and it shouldn’t matter. Mr. Possibility is the one who made the choice to sleep with both women. If you invested half the time in being supportive of your friend that you’re wasting being angry and hateful, you could both move on with your lives. What good will Lindsay admitting that she knew about your friend even do? Does that make it better? Does that make her feelings less hurt? No. It doesn’t. Does creating a twitter account for the sole purpose of bashing Lindsay really make you feel like a good person or a productive member of society?

      I’m sincerely sorry for whatever has happened in your life to make you such a bitter, angry person. Girl on girl hatred is not okay. When you use words like “bitch,” “slut” and “whore,” it only desensitizes us and makes it okay someone to call you those things.

      You’ve said your peace. You’ve wasted time out of your life that you could have spent laughing or loving with anger and hatred. Congrats. Now, here’s what you do. Log off the computer. Take a deep breath, tak a walk, gather your thoughts. Then, call your friend in Dubai and tell her that you love her, ask her what she’s feeling. Have a good cry, have a good laugh. Then move on.

      I hope you find peace for whatever makes you so angry, and find healthy ways to deal with your anger.

      • An experience is just an experience – it’s worth or importance is only defined by an individual’s opinion. And just like something else, we all have one!

  12. for all the people who give you grief, there are those of us who are standing in your corner to cheer you on. as human beings seeking a change, we tend to sometimes bounce back and forth between old behavior and the new behavior we’re trying to achieve. changing thoughts, habits and patterns take time…but you know this. i think you’re doing a great job so far :)

    the thing i love the most about your blog, and i’ve said this before, is that you allow your humanity to shine through. as much as people hate to admit it, they not only have their own insecurities but often make mistakes. you, however, are very open about these things…which is why i enjoy reading your blog so much. i am able to relate to you as a single woman but also as a person who, like me, is trying to better themselves.

    as for all of the people who, instead of giving constructive criticism, are giving you a hard time, try not to let it get to you. this is your blog and your journey-keep doing what you feel is best for YOU :)

  13. Lindsay, we don’t know each other and maybe have posted once or twice in a comment but, I am so sorry that people are giving you such grief. I don’t always have time to read every blog everyday but I try to read enough to catch the gist and let me just say this… your words are always food for the soul.

    Here’s the thing I don’t think most men get about women. For some reason I think men have this picture of only preteen girls writing a diary about the boy she’s obsessing over. And all of that is just supposed to “stop” once we’ve reached college or just be strictly related to women’s gossip. It’s all meant to be behind close doors or only on tv/in movies. But it doesn’t actually JUST happen!

    Your blog is an inspiration because it lets guys ACTUALLY know what most of us are feeling. And that scares them. Men rather label us delusional, crazy or just plain nuts because only “cool chicks” don’t show their emotions. And women who encourage flaming amoung other women are just insecure themselves.

    Writing is so therapeutic and has been for generations upon generations and that’s how we understand who the people in our past were! So I’m glad to know you’ll keep on writing. You should and just know that with every word you write, you ARE inspiring hundreds of others out there. It encourages me to sit, think of topics to write and to just change myself! You go girl.

  14. I think you folks have your critics confused. I don’t have a friend in Dubai. I said Egypt, not Dubai.
    To Lindsay, check the addresses of people who write to you. There’s nothing I’ve written that you haven’t printed. I changed my screen name in response to a blogger yesterday who had a valid point.
    She was able to tell one comment apart from another even if your amen chorus here is ranting at the person who took you to task yesterday – who I don’t think is on this thread yet.
    Just for the record there have been several negative comments these past few days and unless someone is extremely talented at changing both their writing style and their IP address, it will be increasingly difficult to write this legitimate criticism off as the product of one disgruntled reader.
    So, back to you Lindsay- you say womens studies volunteerism literature yada yada but all you ever do is talk about men. That’s the simple truth. All the rest is what you want people to see you as – but your own words give you away.
    As for the inane “all experience is equal no experience is superior to another” comment – well that’s just wrong. Chewing gum or buying groceries is not equal to delivering a child or writing a symphony. Sorry but I don’t buy the touchy feely pseudo philosophy. Stating something ridiculous as a fact doesn’t make it a fact.
    The women in Egypt are fighting for freedom, not navel gazing. There’s a very real difference.

    OK ladies, go ahead. Tell me I’m bad because I don’t think 24/7 blabbering about a man/men is getting over an addiction and understanding yourself. Tell me I’m bad because this inane blather demeans all women. We’re not all self absorbed air heads. But please direct the rest of your fury at the proper person(s). The blog moderator knows the difference – or she should.

    • If Lindsay chose, she could write a blog about all of her volunteerism, book reads, women studies etc. But that isn’t what this blog is about. Obviously. It IS about her experiences with men, being single, and her journey to self love and acceptance. It’s Confessions of a Love Addict. Not Confessions of a Womens’ Studies Lover and “yada yada” etc (although, if you’ve read from the beginning, she does mention some of these things…but doesn’t make them the focus…because it’s not the point of the blog). So when one comes upon this blog, that is what they should expect to read about. MEN. The single life. I don’t think you’re “bad” for not agreeing with her path to getting over her addiction and to finding herself. That’s your choice…

      I do know that since she started this blog, she has changed incredibly. She has grown. And what she is doing is working for HER. And that is what matters.

    • Aggie B,

      I’m with terryn on this one. Your comments indicate that you’re not grasping the obvious POINT of Lindsay’s blog, which is explore and express her own experiences with relationships, singleness, and her quest to love herself above all. It’s not uncommon for writers and bloggers to hone in on specific interests or areas of their lives when they write, and I find it odd that you seem to imply that she should refrain from doing so and instead focus on matters that you find more important.

      Lindsay’s writing style indicates that she is a thoughtful & articulate individual–a far cry from the “self absorbed air head” label that you project upon her. I’m an intelligent, driven, well-educated, and independent single woman who enjoys reading the blog of a fellow woman who also possesses said qualities. I’m a self-proclaimed feminist who has a reverent respect for the greater struggles of women in the bigger picture; yet, I have an understanding that the small scale personal stories of women living their daily lives—be it in New York, Egypt, New Orleans (in my case), or elsewhere—are also valuable in the realm of female rhetoric and influence. It’s clear that Lindsay’s blog is just PART of her own personal story–and for you to assume that it is the sum of her entire person is erroneous and, frankly, rather base.

      In your attempts to verbally bludgeon Lindsay you have—sadly for you—portrayed yourself in a way that is more akin to the distasteful and classless descriptors you made use of in your prior comments. Fellow reader, perhaps it’s time to let that chip on your shoulder roll off so that you might allow yourself to have a healthy appreciation for the perspectives of others, or to present your opposing opinion in a way that paints yourself in a more reputable light.

  15. Nice post. I’m wondering, do you think the weather (snow, cold, and dreary skys) has anything to do with how you feel or the swings? Call me crazy, but I’ve noticed that where I’m from, the midatlantic, the weather seems to play role how people feel those most people don’t seem aware of it.

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  19. Hello Lindsay, I think your blogs are great. My favorite line from this blog is “I’m not a lot of things – but one thing I am…is honest.” Do people really contradict themselves? Or do people simply gain more knowledge, education, and/or life experiences which help them get rid of some bad ways and gain some good ways of thinking about things or vice versa? Therefore, people change their previous opinion(s) and perspective regarding a topic or situation.

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