I’m very bad at being angry. In fact –usually when I start to get mad, I get upset with myself that I’m mad, and then I think I’m being too hard on myself, so I get sad that I’m being so self-defeating, and in return I start to cry, and then get angry because tears are splashing down my cheeks.
Part of recovery, I’ve discovered is getting very mad. It’s not a part I enjoy and it’s not something I like to admit, but if I’m being honest with everyone and trying to rid myself of all of my negativity –I’ve got to lay it out there.
As mentioned a few days ago, I’ve started a new friendship with T (read about him here). It’s been encouraging for the process to have a non-gay (hey, it’s a rarity in the city), male friend who will be there for me to talk to. He’s easy to get along with, easy to look at, and even easier to be around. We haven’t known each other very long, but we’re comfortable and open –and because we both know a relationship is off the table, there is absolutely no pressure.
He’s working up his grand gesture to his ex-girlfriend and he has been running his ideas by me. It’s been entertaining and inspiring to help him with a romantic presentation that will certainly (fingers crossed for him) win her back.
I really don’t mind helping him and I really do want to be his friend. But, at the end of the day, I started asking myself: “Why hasn’t anyone done this for me?”
Partly because I’m trying to rid of these negative questions and attitudes towards love and partly because it frankly just frustrates me –I got mad. I got upset. I left the office in a huff, wondering what was wrong with me.
“I’m a 22-year-old, 5’4” (but usually 5’7” because of my high heel obsession), in shape (and with a shape) woman. I’m independent, self-supporting, and ambitious, yet I like to be needed and to need someone. I landed a job and an apartment within the first three weeks of moving to NYC and I can hold an intelligent conversation. I’m not exactly funny, but I think I’m rather charming. I’m not a model, but I think I was given beauty. I volunteer because I thoroughly enjoy it, not because I have to, and I would bake cookies every single day if I could afford it or had the time. I tend to be a pretty good listener, I can get along with almost any type of personality, and while I’m a planner, I also enjoy adventures. Did I mention I’m from the South, which makes me super sweet, friendly, and courteous, too?
Why hasn’t someone noticed? Why am I not good enough for someone? What the hell is wrong with me? Where is my grand gesture?!”
After a surprisingly easy three mile run, I still wasn’t over my anger. In fact, while attempting to talk to my parents, I ended up getting so frustrated that I had to end the phone call after it barely got started. I sincerely couldn’t take my mother saying “It’s all about timing, dear.”
Of course it’s about timing. Of course I have to patient. Of course I have to let it all play its course in perfect rhyme and rhythm, and have faith that all is unfolding as it should. I’m trying very hard, I really am –I’m giving this recovery every bit of energy I have.
But still, last night, I ended up in sweatpants, my favorite sweater with three crumpled napkins by my computer, and dipping a large spoon into my jar of peanut butter.
Am I still making progress?
Yes. I allowed myself to get upset. I allowed myself to cry (for the first time since this blog started). I allowed myself to get very mad and have all of those negative thoughts. I allowed them to come and to leave, and after I was finished with my temper tantrum, I sought advice from my two sponsors, M and J, who gave me some words of encouragement and kindness. I then sat down to write this blog, with a container of pudding (I’m being honest, here), and admitted my level of anxiety.
Single can suck. Single can be incredibly difficult. Single can making you get down on yourself and ask a million questions you will never find answers to –even by reading this blog, searching online, or reading self-help books. Single is part of the journey and it can be a major pain in the ass sometimes.
But I can’t (and neither can you) beat yourself up for hating it sometimes. No matter what step I’m at in the program, how confident I am, or how much self-love I build up –I’m always going to have hard days. I’m always going to have a moment of jealousy, a time of insecurity, and nights where all I want to do is be held.
As one of my sponsors, J, said: “This is all normal.”
The only thing that’ll change is my reaction to being upset and the time it takes to let go of it. Last night, it took from about 6 p.m. to 9 p.m. Three hours isn’t too awful, but eventually, I’ll be about to calm myself down faster and more lovingly.
I also, hopefully, will learn not to keep peanut butter at arm’s reach. That probably wasn’t such a great idea.
Hey! There’s nothing wrong with peanut butter. In fact, it’s better than what I do when I’m bummed. I go for the baked goods– especially muffins. Or Three Musketeers…which is like the nastiest chocolate bar alive. At least peanut butter came from the ground in some way, sape or form.
Been there done that :)
I agree with Nikki peanut butter has 6 grams of protein I usually go for straight up chocolate and lifetime and put on the sweats! It’s nice to know that I am not alone in my hating being single process.
this has by far been my favorite article thus far! I loved the beginning where you acknowledged that you are AMAZING and you DESERVE a “grand gesture.” I have felt this way so many times and really relate. I was watching the oh-so-wise Oprah moments ago (the episode this week about the break-up of Jenny & Jim Carrey) and heard a gem of advice. You have to own your power, because strong women who know where they are going have bright futures and the entire world at their fingertips can very often frighten a man. Especially if those men are really little boys who don’t have any direction. It takes an even stronger man to be with a strong woman…and I believe Oprah would know very much about this subject.
Thank you for this. I really do appreciate how honest you are being. Yes, it is okay for you to have bad days. We are not perfect and there is always going to be something that we struggle with. I think for me this adventure is about finding ways to cope with these imperfections and struggles. It is about being honest with myself about what I am really feeling and then searching for the true. I am so guilty of letting Satan fill me with lies and then believing them. God has so many truths that He tries to tell me but I choose to shut Him. I like to do things myself so I tell Him I can get rid of the hurt and the insecurities all by myself. So this is also about asking for help and calling out. It is about realizing I do not have to do all this alone. That God has placed people around me that are going through the same thing and that He will speak truth and life into me if I will just let Him.
I remember a sermon I listened to about this kind of thing. The answer that Beth Moore gave was: You are a fabulous woman, so why would you expect what everyone else has? Maybe God is going to bless you with something really special or someone really special. If you are a fabulous woman, you can’t expect an average guy to come along, even though that’s what we expect/want sometimes: Why can’t I just have what everyone else has?
I love this – so true. To be extraordinary, one must always be different, right?
Pingback: The Prize of Simplicity « Confessions of a Love Addict
Pingback: My Love, My Valentine, Myself « Confessions of a Love Addict