And Fall is Here…

As I closed the door to my apartment and headed towards the park –a new feeling came over me. The air was crisp and cool, the steps up to my brownstone were covered in leaves, and I pulled my jacket tighter to my body. There was a sense of calmness and yet the feel of the city was warm and inviting.

I then realized that it’s here: the most beautiful time of the year. Fall.

There has always been something about fall that makes me melt. I love everything the season has to offer: pumpkin spice lattes from Starbucks, cute boots and lightweight jackets, the smell of a campfire (well, maybe not this year!), and the ever-changing colors of the trees.

And of course, it’s the season of possibility.

Maybe because my birthday is right around the transition from summer to fall, or because I’m a fashionista like the next New Yorker, but to me –the new year begins with onset of Autumn. With all of the old dying away, all the sweat and lust of the summer fading, and the beauty of change unveiling in nature –how can you not feel like possibility is before you?

In year’s past, Fall also meant the start of school. I absolutely loved going to school, and I always made goals for myself. From making “all A’s” and “getting on honor’s list” to “getting better at doubles in tennis” and “writing more frequently” –I wanted and needed to always push myself.

When I reached college, Fall was always about what cute guy would be in my classes or if I would finally have a boyfriend while at Appalachian. The start of the school year meant a whole new selection of guys to choose from, who I was sure I had never met. And of course, after getting a rockin’ body every summer, I was ready to show off all of my goods and see what looks I got in exchange (yes, I’m admitting that).

But this year, Fall symbolizes something else.

Yes, it’s still about change and beauty and love. But it’s about changing my mindset to focus more on my inner (and outer!) beauty with a more positive attitude towards love. It’s about learning to love myself and to fall in love with who I am and what I have to offer this world.

I won’t lie and say the colder weather doesn’t make me crave a chest to lay my head on, feet to tuck my toes under, and someone to walk hand-in-hand with through the park while drinking coffee. I won’t lie and say it doesn’t bring up ghosts of boyfriends-past and the memories I had with them during this season. I won’t lie and say that seeing pumpkins for sale doesn’t make me want to buy one and have a “flirty carving evening” with an attractive guy.

Of course, I feel all of those things.

But for the first Fall –in a very long time –I’m enjoying going down the block for a cup of Joe on my own, running through the park with only my breath to keep me company, and curling up, alone, with a cup of tea –and all of my dreams of tomorrow tucked away lightly and lovingly…in the back of my mind.

This time, I’m going to fall in love with myself.

4 thoughts on “And Fall is Here…

  1. This was beautiful. Fall is my favorite season too.

    But I’m not gonna lie, I’m kind of jealous of you. I’ve always fantasized about being on my own, sitting at a coffee shop wearing my favorite fall cardigan, drinking some coffee or chai tea or even cocoa while just thinking and dreaming or even writing.

    I never have those times. I’m a busy student with two jobs and I have friends and family and a boyfriend who all need things from me. I’m not complaining about them. In fact, I love them and am truly grateful they’re in my life.

    But enjoy this is the time you have to be alone and just be you. You’re lucky. My next stage is married where I have to balance work w/ a husband w/ managing both our lives. Then what? Kids? And then I become the human taxi.

    Sometimes I wish I took more time to appreciate the moments I had alone with myself to be able to think and dream and write about the things I no longer have time to think or dream or write about. Enjoy it. You’re lucky.

  2. I love sitting in a coffee shop with my journal or laptop and writing; it’s refreshing and I can ponder about life and my goals for the coming day or year :)
    Sometimes I get wrapped up in the wrong scene or guy and I lose myself for a little while and then I find myself alone against the world once again. It’s a scary but wonderful feeling! I think girls like you and me are meant to be alone not forever but I believe you and I have a bigger purpose in store and Lindsay you might be profiling yours right now and I am in the middle of finding mine. So I raise my cup of joe to a wonderful fall where I hope too to fall in love with myself!

  3. Ok I promise I won’t comment on every single post, but this one almost made me cry with longing to be there with you. NY in the Fall is a literal dream. I know there are things you want in life that you don’t have yet, but I hope you understand how truly blessed you are to be able to have the experience you are going through. You have the most amazing opportunity because you are getting the chance to have an exciting and beautiful single life (in New York of all places), at a young age, with plenty of time and life ahead of you to enjoy every stage of life as it comes. I know you want a companion, but be happy that there is no rush. You are 22, accomplished, beautiful and the world is your oyster. And best of all you are already aware of what you want in life and in a relationship so you are entering it all with the advantage of determination and hope.

  4. Pingback: What Comes Before Love? « Confessions of a Love Addict

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