Category Archives: Step 1

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Why Being Single Can Suck

My friend R has always been full of helpful insight and wisdom. She’s been through more than any young woman should –and when I see her standing bold, beautiful, and optimistic; I’m enthralled with her courage.

We jokingly call our relationship a “long-distance friendship” –the majority of the time we’ve known each other, we’ve been in separate towns, and most recently, different states. We stay connected through Facebook messages and text messages –primarily consisting of “SOSes”. It’s a secret term we send each other when we need to sincerely, immaturely, and inappropriately freak-out.

If some of the letters I have sent to her were ever published –I’d be certified straight-out crazy. Luckily, as a writer herself, she knows how to respond in a manner that gets through to me, and she has prevented (and taken the blunt of) many of the ridiculous rants that come out of me.

As I’ve been trying to figure out if there is anything else I need to understand (or at least attempt to) about why I hate being single –I looked back on some conversations between us.

I’ve concluded that sometimes, it just sucks being single.

Maybe some will curse my poor word choice –but sucks is just really the best term for it. For some, it’s unmanageable (it’s been the way for me, which is why I’m writing this blog), and for others, being single is just something they put up with, but can handle without freaking out (God bless ‘em). But as a collective, there are parts of being a minus-one that a plus-one doesn’t have to endure.

Being incredibly honest with my friends on Facebook (probably to a default, but I’ve never been shy) –I asked them what sucks the most about being single. The response I received was incredible –from high school friends I haven’t spoken to in years to men (believe it) who feel the same way too:

“Having creepy guys hit on you and not being able to say, ‘I’m sorry. I have boyfriend,’ and really be able to mean it, while thanking God your man is not that weird.” -N

“Having no one to play in leaf piles with.” -C

“The most difficult part of being single was when my relatives or friends say ‘Gosh, you are such a pretty girl, why aren’t you married yet?’ – Like, duh, gee I don’t know, maybe it’s because I haven’t met anyone that I want to marry yet or maybe I don’t want to get married right now!” -K

“Watching everyone around you find someone who wants to be with them forever. It is like a constant reminder that there must be something wrong with you because no one wants forever with you.” -R

“There are so many things I hate, but what I think I hate most, is not being able to touch someone. To lay next to someone on the couch and watch a movie, to hold someone’s hand while we walk, to walk into a loving embrace after a bad day, to wake up next to someone, just to name a few. Now don’t get me wrong, I know being in a relationship isn’t all rainbows and butterflies, but that’s what I hate the most about being single.” -B

“The most difficult part about being single: knowing you’re a catch and that someone is out there for you, but having to play the waiting game until he shows up.” -M

“To me the worse part of being single is the lack of companionship; it seems like with a friend with benefits or a one night stand, a girl is seeking something that can only be found in a relationship built around trust.” -E

“I guess it’s not having the love from boys and pampering from boys that we girls enjoy. Like if you’re upset and stuff…it’s nice to have a boyfriend to go to… and it’s nice to have someone to cuddle with at the end of the day.” -S

“Not having someone to cuddle with on Sunday nights or not having the one person to turn to when things are bad. Yes I have my friends but having a companion would be nice.” –E

“The worse part of being single or what I miss the most about being in a relationship is sleeping alone. I really can go days without hugging a single soul.” -L

Notice a common thread? I did: being single sucks because…you’re alone.

If you’re stressed out from work and you want to pull out all of your hair and be incredibly frustrated –there isn’t someone to say, ‘its okay baby, come here, let me hold you.’ Or if you just had an incredible run where you beat your best time and you’re in a playful mood –there isn’t anyone waiting at home for you to seduce or an apartment you can just drop by to. Or when it rains (or on a lazy Sunday) –there isn’t someone there for you to curl up with.

Instead –you’ve got yourself. And of course, as E says, you’ve got your friends. But there is something different about companionship. It’s comforting. It’s soothing. It’s relaxing. It’s heartfelt. It’s warm. It’s…completion?

I hope this journey can teach me (and all of you, too!) that I’m already complete –even if I don’t have a companion. No, I don’t come home to someone gleaming over their newspaper at me, I don’t fall apart in a man’s arms (but R’s inbox is there for that), and Sunday nights are just like other nights –but I still have myself. And God is there too.

So far, it’s still hard to not have companionship; and my thoughts are the same as all of the ones above -but I can get there. And I want to. I don’t want to be plagued and pestered by thoughts of being alone or lonely. They don’t have the right to rule my mind, confidence, or mindset.

We enter this life alone and we exit it alone, too. We’ll fall in love in between –but at the end of the day, the end of the story –you’re happily ever after…begins and ends with you.

Let’s try falling in love with ourselves first. Then we can try this Sunday night cuddling thing.

PS –I watched a Nicholas Sparks movie last night –not a good idea for a single gal starting this experience, FYI.

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Fighting the “What If” Monster

Before I go to sleep –I do most of my thinking. Instead of laying in bed like the next person, relaxing, and drifting to dreamland –I think of everything that happened during the day, all I have to do the following day, and just because my mind is that hyper-active (and rather tiresome), sometimes I’ll think about the past and the future –and I’ll start worrying.

And I won’t just worry or fret –I’ll think of the worse case scenario. When I was little, my mom called this “catastrophizing” –and she even bought me a children’s book about beating the “what if” monsters that ruled my thoughts.

I used to be plagued by “what ifs” like:

“What if there really are creepy-crawlies living underneath my bed or in my closet?”

“What if none of the popular girls in school want to be my friend?”

“What if I can’t go spend the night at my BFF’s house on Saturday?”

Now, as a 22-year-old –my thoughts are a little more serious, desperate, and intimidating:

“What if I don’t find Mr. Right?”

“What if he doesn’t exist?”

“What if I broke up with him or he broke up with me, and we missed our opportunity?”

“What if I’m not loveable?”

“What if I’m destined for a life of single-land, a house full of cats, and I never get to wear that wedding dress I clipped out of Time magazine when I was seven?”

“What if my guy is inexcusably stubborn and will wait until my boobs are past my belly button before he shows up?”

“What if all of this true-love-stuff is just a myth?!!!!!!!!!”

As I was deciding what else I needed to admit to myself as I start this journey of self-discovery, love, and acceptance –I realized I needed to ask myself the “what if” I’ve been avoiding all of my life:

What if I just stopped what iffing?

Sounds like a simple task when I type out seven little words –but to really put these words in action…is going to take work. Like studying for an exam or teaching yourself how to breathe at a healthy pace while running –bad habits take practice too.

I can’t automatically turn off the switch inside of my head that asks, “What if that’s never you?” when I see a cute couple in sweats drinking Starbucks walking down seventh avenue. I can’t make “What if you’re just not pretty enough for him and you’ll need to settle for something else?” instantly go away when I see a tall, good-looking guy walk past me and not even notice me.

In meditation, which I’ve been incredibly interested in lately, you choose or you are given a mantra that you repeat to help yourself relax and fall into meditation. I do plan on trying to meditate at some point during this adventure –but not just yet. However –I do think it’s a good idea to come up with my own mantra or saying –that’ll combat the “what ifs” as they come.

So what comforts me and gets me out of the what-if routine? Thinking about fate. I haven’t decided yet if I believe everything is pre-determined, regardless of the choices we make–but I do believe in some way, form, or fashion –God is there with me and knows what will become of my life. I know he’s with me every time I see a penny or when I feel the nice breeze blow between buildings.

If the opposite of my fears (hence “what iffing”) is my faith –then I think my mantra is “Have faith. All is unfolding as it should.”

I’m hoping this mantra will stand up to even the worse of “what if” battles. If God is with me (and Jimmy Choo, too) –who can knock me off my feet?

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I’ll Admit It…

I’m not a very competitive person. I do like to win, I do love being the center of attention, I do like to be awarded and praised –but I won’t be upset if I lose at a game or at a sport. I just don’t think I was given the competitive gene –neither of my parents really has it. Although you’d think with my last name, it’d come with the territory. Maybe not.

However, I’m not very good at admitting when I’m wrong. I don’t like to argue, but I’ll keep pushing my point until I get my way. And, as my mother has always said, I know how to get exactly what I want when I want it. People have always had a hard time telling me ‘no’, and I was the go-to girl for getting things donated for events, and my office still has me make cold calls sometimes because people feel bad rejecting me.

The first step to recovery is admitting I have a problem and it is out of my power to do anything about it. While this may seem simple for some people –for me, it couldn’t be more difficult. To admit that I simply can’t handle these nagging feelings of not being “good enough” or “worth enough” of a great love or that my obsession with romantic movies, quotes, songs, wall hangings, magazine articles, etc. has gotten out of hand –is difficult to stomach.

I believe this is part of the recovery process because it requires you to be self less and to swallow your pride. You’re basically saying, “Yes, this is who I am and I recognize it. I know I can’t overcome this on my own, and I seriously need help.” Lindsay Lohan hasn’t been able to take this step, but I refuse to keep giving Lindsays a bad name.

So, I admit it. I do have a problem. I have a very negative attitude towards myself and towards love. Instead of being happy for couples, I feel sorry for myself. Most of my thoughts towards love are longing and sad, instead of hopeful and optimistic. I’m not satisfied single and I will be working, through these 12 steps, to get there.

But that’s not it. I believe I also need to admit reoccurring habits and rituals that come with the problem. By admitting to these actions, I take responsibility for them and then can move forward.

So, with no judgment please, I admit to the following habits as a Love Addict:

  • If you have been married or engaged recently, I have stalked every single photo, video and/or wedding website you’ve had. I have also been immensely jealous of you.
  • If you are my ex-boyfriend or just a former flame, I have looked at your Facebook more times than you’d like to know. I’ve also judged your current girlfriend, if you have one.
  • If you are an attractive couple in NYC and you’ve held hands or kissed or just looked remotely in love with your mate –I’ve glared at you overtop my book.
  • If a song has to do with finding Mr. Right or “The One” or any leading role of destiny –I’ve downloaded it. To name a few, Just Haven’t Met You Yet by Michael Buble, All this Time by OneRepublic, Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks, etc.
  • When a date hasn’t gone exactly how I thought it should go, I have blamed myself for not being what the guy wanted or needed.
  • I have signed up for both Plenty of Fish and OkCupid.
  • I have cried over a canceled date.
  • I have cried over anything and everything related to dating. Probably more than once.
  • I have texted guys just because I seek their attention, not because I’m remotely interested in them.
  • I have called myself a failure at love, bad at relationships, and unsuccessful in the world of dating.
  • I’ve kissed guys just because I really needed to make out, and it made me feel sexy.
  • I get down on myself in the morning if the Harlem men or the construction workers don’t holler out at me.
  • I compare myself to every girl I see.
  • I think mean thoughts about girls who have boyfriends, whom I don’t believe should -for whatever reason.
  • I’ve bought more self-help books about relationships than text books in college.
  • I’ve spent hours surfing the Internet about finding and being successful in love at work.
  • I’ve made lists of every single quality I desire in a man. Several times.
  • I’ve written down my wishes in love and placed them in wish boxes, journals, and wall hangings.
  • I’ve cried in about every romantic comedy there ever was.
  • I’ve worn an outfit I didn’t want to wear because I thought men would find it attractive.
  • I’ve been jealous of my parent’s love.
  • I’ve hoped other people would break up.
  • I’ve learned what to say or how to act to make a guy interested in me.
  • I’ve lied about dates I’ve had or how I met guys.
  • I’ve made the basically the same wish on every birthday cake, first star, pennies, etc.
  • I always hope my fortune cookies say something about love.
  • I’ve wished I was more promiscuous because going long period without sex -just plain sucks.
  • I’ve tuned my friends out when they talk about their relationships because it makes me jealous or sad.
  • I’ve gone over my skip allowance with Pandora because if a song reminds me of lost love or the love I don’t have -I’ll skip over it quickly.
  • I constantly put myself down for not being able to find a boyfriend or keep love. I almost always blame myself, no matter what, in any and every circumstance.

I’m positive there are more confessions I’m leaving out, but if I think of them -I’ll be sure to add. Being single and not enjoying being single is hard to admit. It’s even stranger to see all of these actions typed out before me. I’ve known how I’ve felt about it and how I’ve responded to negative feelings -but to see it in black and white and to the point -it’s kinda scary.

How have I allowed my hatred for a single-life and intensely deep longing for true love take over my life? How do you let go and just allow these desires and these hopes for a partner roll off your back and go with the flow? How do you have faith and learn to love yourself -even if you feel not wanted, not sexy, not girlfriend-material, not in love with someone else?

Would I be okay if I never found true love? Would I be okay if I wasn’t destined for marriage?

Day one, step one -gotta keep my head held high and keep going after my goal of self-love.

This sure isn’t going to be easy!

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My Name is Lindsay and I’m a Love Addict.

I believe we all have vices –an action, a person, a continuing experience, or something we consume that we literally are addicted to. For some –it’s physically harmful to their well-being, like drugs or alcohol. Those types of addictions aren’t the kind you can easily hide for very long, and take intense therapy to overcome.

Then there are other type of addictions that modern entertainment have made hundreds of thousands of dollars out of –hoarding, shopping, promiscuous sex, plastic surgery, and the list goes on and on.

I don’t believe that the average person enjoys seeing another person suffer, but for some reason, audiences enjoy shows or movies that show someone struggling and overcoming a vice they have. I think we all live for the moment when good overcomes the bad, for when the guy wins the girl, for when the depressed reaches serenity, for the surprise twist when the goal becomes reachable, and the dream unfolds naturally.

Basically –we all wait around for the happy ending. And this obsession is where my addiction comes from.

I’m Lindsay and I’m addicted to love. Anything and everything that has to do with, reminds me of, keeps me connected to, gives me hope for, or just is flat-out –love.

I can’t and won’t blame my addiction to love on Disney movies or on being a girly girl. I won’t blame it on a long list of relationships gone sour or guys who have came and gone in and out of my life.

To be honest –I’m not sure where my obsession with love came from (but I’ll figure it out in one of the steps ahead of me), but I’ve reached the point where I know it’s something I need to admit and address before it takes over my thoughts, my life, and my future.

Anyone who knows me or who has spent more than an hour with me could tell you how much love plays a part in my life. From thoughts and dreams of a love that I’ve yet to experience to writing a slew of articles about relationships (or lack of, rather) –love has consumed my thoughts, my energy, and my focus for as long as I can remember.

I’m not one of those gals who has to have a boyfriend at all times. I really don’t jump from relationship to relationship or who throws around those three words insincerely. I have love and lost, I have gotten my hopes up and they have fallen, I have been blinded and burned by love. I’m not afraid of being single and I don’t get into relationships quickly –but I do hate being single. And even more so, I hate dating.

I’ve gone on more first dates than a 22-year-old woman should, and I’ve mastered the conversation, the movements, the dress, and the body language to a science. I know what questions to ask, I know what answers I like and which ones I don’t. I know if it’s clicking and when it’s bombing, and I know how to close the night without a kiss and without a second date.

I don’t have a problem finding dates, and I don’t find myself to be unattractive. But frankly –I’m exhausted.

I’m tired of searching. I’m tired of beating myself up for the mistakes I’ve made or for resenting men who have hurt me. I’m tired of going on dates and being disappointed. I’m tired of trying to figure out what’s wrong with me or wrong with them, or trying to pin-point through astrology, Mr. Google, and fortune tellers when I will finally meet the right guy. I’m tired of stalking ex-boyfriends via Facebook and not being able to let go of love or flames I once had. I’m tired of being jealous of my friends (or even strangers) who seem to have found chemistry with someone else. I’m tired of always looking around at bars or on the subway at men I don’t know –wondering if they’re the guy, and being disappointed when I don’t find the attention I wish they’d show me.

I’ve never really liked being single, nor have I been one of those girls who is so damn good at just letting the punches roll and having no worries about relationships or finding that perfect person. I’ve tried to not go on any dates for 60 days or 40 days and created countdowns until the day I can go on dates again. I’ve tried putting all my focus on exercise, so that I would find myself more attractive, and then my confidence would allude, so then men would be drawn to me. I’ve tried going on a second date with someone I know I’m not that into, just hoping that something would change. I’ve tried burning negative feelings and bad memories, and writing down all the things I hope for with a specific time frame.

And all of these efforts have proven unsuccessful. And being unsuccessful doesn’t sit well with me. I’m a go-getter, an achiever, and an activist. I enjoy being at the front of the pack and going after what I want and know I can reach. I push myself in everything I do, and I hate admitting defeat and giving in.

But this isn’t something you achieve. It’s not a goal with a deadline you can set. Love and marriage aren’t things to put on a checklist. They aren’t tangible, physical dreams that you can see or know when you’ve encountered them.

So, I’m trying a different approach.

I’ve always been told that in order to find the love of your life or that perfect relationship, you need to love yourself. I’ve rolled my eyes at this comment every time a friend or family member have said it to me (especially the ones who are happily in love at that time). But now, I believe it has some merit.

Yes, I have confidence in myself as a person. I have confidence in my career and my financial stability. I have confidence in my appearance for the most part, and in my support system that is always there for me. I have confidence in my ability to move to a huge city, hundreds of miles away from those closest to me, and start a new life.

But when it come to being in love or in a relationship –I find myself to be a failure. It’s harsh, but it’s truthful. I’m not fully in love with myself, and I need to build on that relationship before I even think of being committed to another person.

I’m not a psychologist and I don’t plan on seeing one, but I’m taking notes from Alcoholics Anonymous to do a recovery program for myself. I’ve tweaked the 12 Step process they use to help me in my journey to self-love and confidence in relationships.

I’m not putting time restraints on myself, nor am I making any rules. I’m not going to tell myself that “I’m not allowed to go on dates” or that I have to stop all of my negative thinking towards love cold-turkey. Nope, this is going to be an open, loving, and refreshing process that will hopefully make me see where my issues originated, and how I can overcome them.

Why am I putting this online and advertising to the whole world that I do have a problem with relationships and love? Why does anyone care?

I don’t think I’m alone in these feelings. I don’t think I’m the only single girl who sincerely hates being single and wants to find the love of her life. I don’t think I’m the only woman who blames herself and beats herself up for not being good enough, pretty enough, or anything-enough to keep a man interested. I don’t think I’m the only one who is exhausted of obsessing about relationships and feels the pressure to get married –even if she’s super young, like me. I don’t think I’m the only one who is jealous of everyone who has found love and who really just wants to cuddle with someone at nighttime instead of a pillow. I don’t think I’m the only one who looks in the eyes of strangers, hoping that the process of weeding through Mr.Right-applicants is over.

So this blog is for all of you. Yes, it’s for me too –as a writer, I’ll do better if I document my experience, rather than just thinking about it. But, I want women to know they’re not alone and it’s okay to have these feelings. It’s okay to not be perfect and to be jealous and to be young and full of hope and sadness towards love. The journey of learning to love yourself for who you are, even completely single, isn’t an easy one.

But it’s better to know you’re not alone in these feelings, right?

It’s September 19, 2010 and I’m officially an admitted Love Addict.

Here we go. I’ve got my favorite pair of heels on my feet, my favorite gloss on my lips, my skinny jeans on my body, and my hand in my own hand -telling me it’s okay to go forward.

I’m ready to fall in love with myself.