I’ll Admit It…

I’m not a very competitive person. I do like to win, I do love being the center of attention, I do like to be awarded and praised –but I won’t be upset if I lose at a game or at a sport. I just don’t think I was given the competitive gene –neither of my parents really has it. Although you’d think with my last name, it’d come with the territory. Maybe not.

However, I’m not very good at admitting when I’m wrong. I don’t like to argue, but I’ll keep pushing my point until I get my way. And, as my mother has always said, I know how to get exactly what I want when I want it. People have always had a hard time telling me ‘no’, and I was the go-to girl for getting things donated for events, and my office still has me make cold calls sometimes because people feel bad rejecting me.

The first step to recovery is admitting I have a problem and it is out of my power to do anything about it. While this may seem simple for some people –for me, it couldn’t be more difficult. To admit that I simply can’t handle these nagging feelings of not being “good enough” or “worth enough” of a great love or that my obsession with romantic movies, quotes, songs, wall hangings, magazine articles, etc. has gotten out of hand –is difficult to stomach.

I believe this is part of the recovery process because it requires you to be self less and to swallow your pride. You’re basically saying, “Yes, this is who I am and I recognize it. I know I can’t overcome this on my own, and I seriously need help.” Lindsay Lohan hasn’t been able to take this step, but I refuse to keep giving Lindsays a bad name.

So, I admit it. I do have a problem. I have a very negative attitude towards myself and towards love. Instead of being happy for couples, I feel sorry for myself. Most of my thoughts towards love are longing and sad, instead of hopeful and optimistic. I’m not satisfied single and I will be working, through these 12 steps, to get there.

But that’s not it. I believe I also need to admit reoccurring habits and rituals that come with the problem. By admitting to these actions, I take responsibility for them and then can move forward.

So, with no judgment please, I admit to the following habits as a Love Addict:

• If you have been married or engaged recently, I have stalked every single photo, video and/or wedding website you’ve had. I have also been immensely jealous of you.
• If you are my ex-boyfriend or just a former flame, I have looked at your Facebook more times than you’d like to know. I’ve also judged your current girlfriend, if you have one.
• If you are an attractive couple in NYC and you’ve held hands or kissed or just looked remotely in love with your mate –I’ve glared at you overtop my book.
• If a song has to do with finding Mr. Right or “The One” or any leading role of destiny –I’ve downloaded it. To name a few, Just Haven’t Met You Yet by Michael Buble, All this Time by OneRepublic, Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks, etc.
• When a date hasn’t gone exactly how I thought it should go, I have blamed myself for not being what the guy wanted or needed.
• I have signed up for both Plenty of Fish and OkCupid.
• I have cried over a canceled date.
• I have cried over anything and everything related to dating. Probably more than once.
• I have texted guys just because I seek their attention, not because I’m remotely interested in them.
• I have called myself a failure at love, bad at relationships, and unsuccessful in the world of dating.
• I’ve kissed guys just because I really needed to make out, and it made me feel sexy.
• I get down on myself in the morning if the Harlem men or the construction workers don’t holler out at me.
• I compare myself to every girl I see.
• I think mean thoughts about girls who have boyfriends, whom I don’t believe should -for whatever reason.
• I’ve bought more self-help books about relationships than text books in college.
• I’ve spent hours surfing the Internet about finding and being successful in love at work.
• I’ve made lists of every single quality I desire in a man. Several times.
• I’ve written down my wishes in love and placed them in wish boxes, journals, and wall hangings.
• I’ve cried in about every romantic comedy there ever was.
• I’ve worn an outfit I didn’t want to wear because I thought men would find it attractive.
• I’ve been jealous of my parent’s love.
• I’ve hoped other people would break up.
• I’ve learned what to say or how to act to make a guy interested in me.
• I’ve lied about dates I’ve had or how I met guys.
• I’ve made the basically the same wish on every birthday cake, first star, pennies, etc.
• I always hope my fortune cookies say something about love.
• I’ve wished I was more promiscuous because going long period without sex -just plain sucks.
• I’ve tuned my friends out when they talk about their relationships because it makes me jealous or sad.
• I’ve gone over my skip allowance with Pandora because if a song reminds me of lost love or the love I don’t have -I’ll skip over it quickly.
• I constantly put myself down for not being able to find a boyfriend or keep love. I almost always blame myself, no matter what, in any and every circumstance.

I’m positive there are more confessions I’m leaving out, but if I think of them -I’ll be sure to add. Being single and not enjoying being single is hard to admit. It’s even stranger to see all of these actions typed out before me. I’ve known how I’ve felt about it and how I’ve responded to negative feelings -but to see it in black and white and to the point -it’s kinda scary.

How have I allowed my hatred for a single-life and intensely deep longing for true love take over my life? How do you let go and just allow these desires and these hopes for a partner roll off your back and go with the flow? How do you have faith and learn to love yourself -even if you feel not wanted, not sexy, not girlfriend-material, not in love with someone else?

Would I be okay if I never found true love? Would I be okay if I wasn’t destined for marriage?

Day one, step one -gotta keep my head held high and keep going after my goal of self-love.

This sure isn’t going to be easy!