Sitting in the Village with my dear friend K, I munched on a taco while trying to keep myself together enough to stomach the meal. Don’t get me wrong – K is great company and usually says all of the things I wish I could say, but never work up the courage to actually speak. Perhaps in a few years when I’m her age, I will.
We had just finished catching up in her apartment (which if she ever decides to leave, I will claim before anyone else can) and thought to grab an inexpensive bite about town. There, we chatted about her upcoming weekend with the new boy she likes – semi-tall, charming, funny, great in bed and most importantly, for the first time in a while – she just simply likes him. It’s nice to see her blush and if he doesn’t work out, there will surely be more – but maybe, just maybe, this one will be something. As she usually does when she gets on a roll, she shared a rather adorable conversation they had post-bumping:
“We were laying in his bed, talking, my head was on his chest. After a while, he interrupted me and asked if my feet were hanging off the edge. I’m so used to my feet dangling, that it never occurred to me – I didn’t even notice. When I can’t sleep, I always kick a foot out of the covers and it soothes me for some reason. But because he knew we were around the same height and I was lower down in the bed, my feet would be hanging off. It’s funny – sleeping habits. We are both so used to being single that we also both sleep in the middle of our beds – that doesn’t always work with two people!”
As she’s happily telling her story with a little hesitation (somehow talking about the happy things makes them seem like they’ll disappear), I thought about how I’ve never experienced any of those things: 1- I’m rather petite, so I can’t remember any instance where my feet are anywhere but tucked closely to my body, several inches from the edge of the bed, and 2- Even when I’ve been single, I’ve always kept to my side of the bed, leaving lots of idle space next to me.
Well, until last night that is.
I thoroughly cleansed my room of Mr. P – took out pressed sheets, reorganized my dresser drawers, bought some new candles, packed away his photos, notes and jewelry for safe keeping, and bought myself a new bouquet of fresh flowers. I threw open the curtains and let the cool Fall air breathe new life into my apartment. After indulging in some much-needed therapy: good food, Desperate Housewives and Friends (the show and the real things), read a few pages in my friend’s book club book of the month and went to settle into bed. Without thinking, I instinctively scooted over near the window, until I heard K’s words in my head and decided…
…it was time to claim my bed back.
This bed no longer smells of him and while he was the last man to lay in it, he won’t be the last. He used to have that corner and that pillow, but the cases are different and the space in my heart is healing. He used to sleep on his side and look at his BBerry at 4 a.m., waking me up prematurely. But not anymore, this room will stay dark until the morning creeps in quietly, not via his loud BBM alert. Only a few months ago, I made a rather significant commitment to this bed – buying it with my own hard-earned cash. The comforter, I bought. Along with the pillows and the sham. I make it up every morning, only to ruin it every night by my incoherent tossing and turning that never wakes me up, but looks like warfare in the morning. I pay for the room this bed sits in – and damn it, it’s my bed! Determined, I moved over to the middle and laid flat with my legs reaching for the corners. I stretched until I couldn’t anymore and closed my eyes, feeling myself easily drift to sleep in my new cemented position.
Unlike any night in the last week, I didn’t wake up once in the middle of night to put my heart to sleep. It slept just fine on its own, without any assistance and it stayed that way, nestled in a Queen mattress from Ikea. When my alarm went off at 8 a.m., I groggily wondered if I was still claiming my bed back, as I so intently sought to do hours before. I was happily surprised to find that not only was I sprawled out across my entire bed, but I had one arm dangling off the edge, too.
Looks like I’m claiming my bed back. And my single status, too.