I’m not the prettiest girl on my block. Or the smallest. My skin isn’t flawless, I didn’t graduate with the highest GPA in my high school. I don’t know how to sew or to cook anything ridiculously complicated. I’m not extremely clean and I don’t always say the right thing. I’m not the best, most supportive friend I’ve ever met and sometimes, I can be lazy in love. I could run more and be more dedicated to a work out routine to give me abs like Jennifer Aniston. I complain when I’m tired and get cranky when I’m hungry. I can be impatient, demanding, and self-serving. I’m not well-traveled because I’ve never had the means to do so, and though I would love a dog named Henry, I know I’m not in any place financially to provide for one how it deserves.
I’m aware of my shortcomings, both physically and otherwise. I don’t claim to be the best or the greatest, the smartest or the most beautiful. I don’t consider myself average and while others may discredit my intelligence because I choose to write about my personal life for the web to see, I am well-read and educated. My interests are more than love, dating, and sex-related. But more important than how I look, where I came from, or the career path I happen to follow wherever it may lead, there is one quality I have that sets me aside.
And that’s ambition. Often times, blind ambition, actually.
I may not always know the right way to go or have the means to get to where I want to be, but I believe in myself. I may find myself unlucky in love at times and not be the most ideal partner or friend, but I listen. I take note of things people like and don’t, I read to better myself and when it doesn’t feel like I can push any further, I push harder. I’m not one to give up, even on things that I should – like a failing relationship with Mr. Idea that lasted way longer than it should have. I don’t walk away from things even when they’re pulling at my heartstrings or tearing me apart inside because I somehow feel like I can be the one who is different, the one whose faith will see them through.
I don’t feel the fear and face it anyway, I just ignore the doubt. I turn my attention away from the ways I fall short and I highlight the ways I measure up higher than the rest. I cold email and cold call, hoping that someone, someplace, somewhere will take a chance on me and all the little things that make me some kind of wonderful, some kind of brilliant. I’m not a hopeless romantic or a hopeless cause, I’m just hopeful of the life I hope to have.
As I grow and weed through more life experiences, I think my ambition will shape itself. It’ll stop being so blind and indecisive, and I’ll become more focused and wise of the ways I want to go. I’ll stop believing with my whole heart and start giving just a sliver, I won’t let my hopes rise, I’ll just say a prayer for the best situation to present itself. I won’t dream up the possibilities before a possibility is certain, and when it comes to love, maybe I won’t give myself away so easily. I won’t have to think if I’m doing the right thing or going the right way, that structured adult in me will just revel in clarity and a calm understanding of self.
Or maybe I won’t. Maybe this blind ambition, this ruthless spirit that I can never seem to tame will be what makes me, me. Maybe it’s the part of me that won’t wither with age and perhaps it’ll stand the time more than my kindness, my patience or my heart.
After all – blind ambition may blindly lead you into the unknown, but I’d rather take the chance in the dark than to only stay in the light out of fear.
Daily Gratitude: Today, I’m thankful for early-morning wake up calls and breakfast at Tom’s Restaurant.