Do I think in terms of blogs or are my blogs the products of my thoughts?
After hundreds of days (over 300 now!) of writing, I’m not so sure anymore. This space, this blog, these words have become such a part of my life, so engraved into my everyday functions that it’s strange (and sad and refreshing and…) to think of my life without it. It’s so much a part of me now that my friends always make sure I’ve written for the day before we go out: “Linds, did you write today? I don’t want a midnight curfew, we don’t turn into pumpkins because of your blog!” And it’s a topic of discussion between Mr. Possibility and I after we have an intimate chat or we go on a trip or have an adventure he’d rather keep between us: “Hey, Tigar, don’t write about this in tomorrow’s post, okay? Please?”
And so I write earlier, I schedule a few out, I leave out some details here and there, and I do the best I can to keep my commitment to the blog, to myself, to this journey without sacrificing friendships. But always being on deadline (even if it’s one I created for myself) has a way of keeping constant pressure on you. These days, my battle with self-worth isn’t nearly as difficult – minus a few insecurities, I’m pretty happy. I’ve learned how to maintain a healthy relationship without losing myself in the process, and though it is far from perfect, it’s the most honest I’ve been with myself and with another person I’m involved with. I’m not exactly where I’m meant to be, but I’m somewhere and for now, that’s good enough for me.
Most of the time, now, as compared to six months ago, I don’t have something to work through or a task at hand that requires deep thought and consideration. I’m stable and secure, figuring out the ups and downs as they come, and mostly, not needing to write it out to work it out. But because I decided long before I reached this period of self-fulfillment, I vowed to be a daily blogger for a year as a way to keep myself focused on the progression of my 12-step program, I just can’t quit when life is pretty easy. Or when I’m happy.
However – I also can’t live my life in terms of a blog.
I can’t look at every experience I share – with M, with K, with R, with E, with J or N as potential blog material. I can’t chronicle my developing relationship with Mr. Possibility through a dot com, some things, most things are meant to be private. I can’t end a fun night at 10 p.m. so I have enough time to get home and write before the clock strikes 12 and I miss a day. This blog was started because I wasn’t living my life how I wanted to be, and now that I am, the blog has to develop, not cease.
But how do you stop thinking as a blogger? How do you just enjoy a moment without wondering how it will translate into words or how you’ll describe this feeling, this experience, as beautifully as it is? How do you stop scribbling down ideas when your career is all about ideas?
How does a blogger – a writer – live without working on a make-believe deadline?
Daily Gratitude: I’m thankful for Central Park and all of its beauty and clarity.
Very though provoking. Life vs. blogging. Yes, there are many items that are never blogged about and sometimes it is a fine line trying to figure it out. I know personally I write in my head a lot. Congratulations on your committment and your recovery!
Perhaps once you really have a life, a blog does not make as much sense. Before, your blog was your confidante. Now, you have all those friends, Mr. P, and the rest of your life.
Its ok to write less. You deserve a life. Take the blog down a notch, say twice a week. We all love to read it, but the blog is good stuff, but should not ruin or stress your life.
You’ve grown and changed, and perhaps the blog needs to as well.
I have to agree with Larry on this one. I took a two month…3 month hiatus and went from Courting Adell a blog about my first year in San Francisco Bay to Life is Grand ‘what life becomes’ and realized, life becomes a lot when I’m not trying to write it up and figure it out. So i post thoughts here and there. Helps keep me grounded and true ;-)
Take a break!
:) I agree with Larry. I will add how most things are just for a certain time alone, things change. Though I do admire your commitment to yourself and keeping one’s word even to self says a lot about one’s character. I hope you stay committed and then…drop by whenever you get a chance to keep us updated :)
Kudos dear sister Virgo. I tend to laugh each time you describe your traits, good or bad as I am the same way lol When I read them I say “it’s a virgo thing dear, it’s a virgo thing!1 :)