Tag Archives: being single

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Why I’m Not Ready to Get Married

Originally published on YourEngagement101.com

When I was a little girl, I would wrap a white sheet around me, put on my plastic princess heels and steal wildflowers out of my mother’s garden to play bride.

Because I grew up an only child, my parents were forced to indulge my imagination: my dad serving as my grinning groom, my mom stuck as the minister. I would make my kind, patient father write and deliver vows and then I’d perform them as if it there was a studio audience that consisted of more than my wide collection of stuffed animals.

Getting married wasn’t the only thing I played make believe with though: I was also Indiana Jones, a secret spy solving a murder mystery, a woman finding her man cheating, a homeless person begging for pennies, a teacher and Lois Lane – just to name a few.

But of course, all of my adventures in pretendland always ended with a happy embrace, finding love, meeting that perfect man, having a family.

Happily ever after.

Twenty years later, a lot of things in my life feel unreal because they’ve turned out so much better than I could have dreamed up myself. I live in New York City, I’m a writer, blogger and an editor, I have the luxury to travel and explore, I’m blessed with friends all over the country, I’m healthy enough to run a half-marathon, and though I haven’t met the man I’ll marry, I’ve been lucky to fall in love a few times with some pretty great guys.

Part of me can’t wait to start that relationship – or to at least be reassured that this mythical creature actually does exist out there, somewhere, dating all the wrong women while I date all the wrong men. Part of me is afraid that I picked the absolute worst city to capture the right guys attention.

And another part of me – probably the biggest part of me – is nowhere near ready for marriage. Even if the average bride in the United States is 25 – it’s hard to imagine being wed at this point in my life.

I’ll admit it though – I scour through my Facebook friends walls, reading their engagement stories, liking all of the photos in their wedding albums. I smile at little baby bumps that grow into bouncing toddlers. I get excited thinking about when some of my best friends will get engaged and how I’ll be a bridesmaid and watch them take those sacred vows, joining together with boyfriends that I’ve started to call my friends, too.

There is no doubt that I’m a sucker for love.

It’s my driving force behind everything, and above all other things, it’s the one truth I’ll always believe in: love is powerful and it exists in so many different forms.

But it’s also something that I have faith will always be there and is never anything to rush into. As much as there is happiness and hope surrounding marriage, I think a lot of women also feel fear (I know I do): what if he doesn’t exist? What if this kind-of-okay boyfriend is really the best I’ll ever find? What if I wait too long to get married and can’t have kids? What if I really am too picky? With so much doubt and questioning, it’s easier to throw in the towel and settle down with someone who is good enough…

…but maybe not quite great.

Before I’m committed to someone, I want to commit to myself. I want to go through lots of difficult things as an individual that will make me brighter, stronger and happier. I want to be a whole person before I meet another whole person – I’m not looking to be completed by anyone else. Before I say “I do” – I want to say, “I do” to adventure and travel and experiences that don’t involve a man. Before I get into a relationship or put on an actual gown (and not a sheet), I want to know that no matter what, I’d be totally fine on my own.

Because there’s a difference between wanting a man and needing one. And I’ll know when I’m ready to get married, ready to walk down that aisle, ready to maybe change my last name when I want a partner, I don’t need one. Most fear, after all, comes from desperation, and most of our regrets are from when we were afraid.

So I’m single. I’m 25. I’m not desperate. I’m in no rush. I’m not ready to get married. And that’s better than good enough. It’s great.

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The Illusion of Mr. Right

Originally published on YourEngagement101.com.

I’ve always imagined that at the end of my long dating road, with its twists, accidents, forks and bumps, I’d make it up the staggering hill and there, standing atop, would be this shiny, sparkling man. He’d be made of everything I wanted in a partner – kind, loyal, tall, successful, loving – and maybe sport a few special qualities that I’d inevitably fall in love with. The price of playing the dating game is steep and strenuous, but the payoff must be tremendous if you have to work so hard to earn it.

Or at least, a girl can hope.

I’m still owning my single status, but if the countless dates have taught me something – it’s that you can’t predict anything. And you certainly can’t carve out your husband out of vision you’ve dreamed up in your head. Somehow, life just doesn’t work that way. But a lot of women think that it does – and when they’re dealt a different hand than what the prepped for, suddenly they feel lost because they never made the effort to define themselves before they went searching for a man.

But the thing about making up Mr. Right is that every single man you date, including the one you’ll marry, will never be Mr. Right.

Because no one – absolutely no one – will fulfill you in every way that you desire. He will not say all of the right things at all of the right times (and if he did, you’d find him patronizing). He will not always know exactly what you need when you need it without you telling him (or you would long for someone who surprises you). He will not be overly romantic and terribly kind 24/7 (or you would wish he’d make you work for it, just a bit more). He will not make an astronomical amount of money, tower over you when you’re in your tallest heels and still have time to cuddle on the couch for hours at night (or he would would be a character in a Ryan Gosling movie).

The thing about admitting that you’ve found Mr. Right is admitting that your description of him (and yes, your expectations that you’ve had since you were 6 years old)… were wrong.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have a long list of things you value in a partner and standards you hold them to – it just means that to be happy, you have to accept that really, the person that will (and should) make you the happiest is yourself. And it’s only when you can accept your flaws and the fact that your dream guy will also have some imperfections, is when you stop believing in this illusion of Mr. Right.

It’s when you realize you never needed a Mr. Right to come and rescue you from the woes of singledom – instead, you learned to savor the time you have alone and go on adventures without having to worry about someone else to consider. It’s when you become proud of the life you built, all on your own, on your own two feet, without having to depend on any man to lay the foundation for you. It’s when you see yourself as this whole being, this entirely grounded and secure person, that’s not looking for another half or for an idealist man to make you complete. You’re complete already, and though you might not need a man to share your journey…

…you want one.

And you don’t want the world’s best guy. You want the best guy – for you. One that has wrongs: he’s always three minutes late, he can’t remember anything to save his life, he isn’t as motivated as you, but he’s happy with his job, he’s more introverted, he might be balding. But he has goods too: he absolutely adores you, he’s awesome in bed, he’s super smart and teaches you things, he’s interested in travel, he always wants to hold your hand. And you would have never known what you want if you didn’t date. If you didn’t learn how to love yourself, no matter what, with or without someone.

If you didn’t have to go through all the trouble and all the lessons, you’d never make it to the top of that mountain. You’d still be sitting at the bottom, waiting for a prince and his horse to carry you to the top. But you didn’t wait. You went ahead and made it yourself. Now, just maybe, you’ll meet the guy who climbed it too – just on the other side.

And perhaps you’ll meet at the top and take in that view together.

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The 23-Year-Old

You know a date wasn’t great when you turn down an invitation for dinner because you’re thoroughly exhausted from the conversation.

I had high hopes for The Italian. Since I’m taking Italian language classes and going to Rome in April, I was excited when I came across a Milan transplant with gorgeous eyes and a sexy accent. But an hour into our date, as he talked so much that he still wasn’t finished with the first glass of vino rosso Italiano yet, I couldn’t stomach the thought of another two hours to get through dinner.

Luckily my friend G and E were up for a far less sophisticated evening at a Southern-style college bar called Brother Jimmy’s. It isn’t exactly the classiest crowd but the drinks are cheap and the food reminds me of my life below the Mason Dixon. As we drank our $5-you name it concoctions far faster than the Italian, we noticed a young group of tall, handsome guys attracting the attention of every girl in the establishment.

Look how they are surrounded so quickly! Are we so starved for attractive men that we flock to whatever semi-decent one we see? I asked, half-appalled and half-formulating a blog post in my tipsy head. The three of us, all different ages (and all incredibly single) discussed the situation while laughing and ignoring everyone else.

A half-an-hour later, after the bartender joined in our humor and gave us free bottom-shelf rum shots, one of the guys found his way to me.

Need a drink? He asked as he bumped into me, quite purposefully. I looked at my completely full glass and smiled, Thanks, but I think I’m alright for now. He grinned back and said, I saw you watching us, what conclusion are you drawing?

The three of us explained our theory and he played along, calling his one extremely tall friend (6’6″!) a “chick magnet” and how he was more just along for the ride. He was goofy and casual, but still acted unsure of himself. Maybe it was the alcohol – or maybe it was the fact he was 23. Though a two-year age difference doesn’t seem like quite that big of a deal, so much changes in your twenties, it can feel like a lifetime ago that you were that early-20-something. I noticed how boyish he was and yet, how he tried to build his confidence around me. It was charming.  Against my better judgment, I found myself enjoying his hand on my knee, his slightly inappropriate jokes, his seemingly soft lips.

Well shit, I think he’s cute, I thought as he bought another round and waved off his friends goodbye to spend more time with me.

Another hour passed and the night went on, my friends bid me farewell and I stayed behind. As the bar cleared out, we danced to old music and attempted to speak Italian to one another, and he wrote me a poem that didn’t rhyme but was sweet. He asked for my number and out to dinner the next night – but he was 23 and my expectations weren’t high for his level of seriousness but there was a click.  A spark.

A something.

And then there was kissing. Lots and lots of kissing. The kind of kissing you do in high school before you have gone past second base. When magic swells on your tongue and every touch is heightened – 10 years ago by anxiety and anticipation, and now, by liquor and pipe dreams. By the time I finally went up to my apartment – alone, for the record – it was 4 am and I sighed for the hangover I knew I would have the next day. A 25 year old head is much different than the 23 year old one, but apparently no wiser…

It wasn’t even noon before he cancelled dinner, and by 2  p.m. he gently told me I was a sweet girl, but he didn’t want to waste my time. And even though I knew the outcome was likely, I was disappointed. Connection feels so rare after so many years of dating, that when it comes, it’s hard not to hold onto it with all that you have.

But even though The 23 Year Old’s presence in my life lasted all of a few hours, he brought out something in me:

My soft side.

My voice was calmer, my shoulders relaxed. I wasn’t thinking about my never-ending to-do list or my worries over everything I want and all that I don’t have yet. I was flirty without being overbearing, and I let myself just enjoy the moment, as fleeting and unimportant as it was. I listened more than I spoke and I let him ask me to dance instead of inviting him myself. I put down my guard and I didn’t check the time, allowing myself to giggle and twirl into the early hours of the morning. I didn’t run over a mental checklist to see if he matched all of the qualities I want in a partner, I was just myself and let him be himself.

And it was nice.

It was really nice to simply let go of all the dating drama. It was nice to feel soft and vulnerable, open and hopeful again. Though there won’t be an actual date with this bachelor, sometimes you need a young-something to remind you to not be so jaded. To not think the worst of people. To go with the flow. To say “yes” to another drink, even if you say “no” to a sleepover. To smile without wondering if it means anything and let it mean whatever it does in that moment.

To remind you to have hope in love and in men, but mostly in your ability to love. Even if all you love is the splendid fun of a chance encounter of the Brother Jimmy’s kind.

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15 Things You Need to Know About Love Before You Turn 30

Originally published on YourEngagement101.com.

I’ve convinced myself that by the time I’m 30, I will have it all figured out. By then, I’ll be where I want to be in my career – with flashy bylines and book deals. I’ll be in the best shape of my life – after finally giving up late-night greasy food to run marathons. I’ll be with a man so wonderful I won’t believe I’m so lucky to have him – after so many no-good, terrible dates that left a bad emotional aftertaste. I’ll have more money saved in the bank for a future that seems bright and certain – because I was smart throughout my 20s and tucked away cash as I earned it.

But just like the other monumental years came and passed already – 18, 21, 25 – I’m sure when I reach 30, I’ll be looking forward to 35 to be the all-perfect age. That being said – I do believe your 20s are for making mistakes and learning the hard lessons of dating and love and well, life. And then (hopefully) your 30s are a time to rejoice in your newfound confidence, and reap the rewards of your hard work.

Or at least a gal can hope, right?

Though I still have five years to go, here are 15 things I think you need to know about love before you turn 30:

You can’t screw up what’s meant to be.
You can try really hard. And I mean really, really hard. But if you’re meant to be with someone, you will be with them. Let yourself off the hook for that total freakout moment with your boyfriend over the dirty dishes – if he’s the right guy, he’ll forget about it tomorrow.

You can’t love anyone until you love yourself.
And the relationship you have with yourself will be the most difficult, often most toxic and disappointing relationship of them all. It’ll require constant attention, change, acceptance and most of all, love. But you can’t be a great girlfriend or wife or mother until you’re a great you.

Men are people too.
That’s right, they’re not just meant for our enjoyment or to propose to us or to fix things. They are living, breathing humans that make mistakes and aren’t always perfect. Don’t put them on a pedestal or make unreasonable demands – love them as they are, or don’t love them at all.

Not all relationships are meant to be forever.
You may want to marry that guy that’s incredibly unavailable – but so charming. You might think you can wave a magic wand and change him. But you can’t. And you shouldn’t want to. Learn what you can from every relationship so you can bring those lessons to the relationship.

Love is going to suck. And it’s going to hurt.
There is really only one relationship in all of the relationships that you’ll be in that actually makes it. That means there will be more bad than good – but it’s always worth it in the end. Savor those tough times because they make you a better partner.

Don’t settle.
Even when all of your friends are happily in love. Or getting married. Or having babies. Do not find some guy to fit some checkbox. It’s better to be incredibly picky than to be unhappy in a marriage for the rest of your life.

You’re going to fall in love with ideas.
You’re going to meet a guy that seems so incredible and you’ll build him up in your head and he won’t be anywhere near that. You’re also going to like a guy and like all of the ideas about him on paper, but you won’t fall in love with him. Don’t stop dreaming, but don’t love ideas more than you love a man.

It’s not a race.
You don’t have to sleep with him on the third date (unless you want to). You don’t have to be married by the time you’re 30 (unless you found someone you want that kind of love with). You don’t have to get engaged after precisely two-and-a-half years of dating (so don’t give him an ultimatum). Slow down, enjoy the process. Trust.

You have to have your heartbroken a few times.
And it’s going to really, really suck. You’re going to feel like you will never, ever feel such a powerful connection with someone else again. You’ll feel worthless and hopeless and so lonely, but there’s sun at the end of the storm.

Dating can be educational.
On some dates, you’ll know within five seconds if you like them or not. On others, it might take a few to figure it out. Even if you don’t want to jump a guy’s bones, figure out what you can learn from this one-hour-drink-date and how it can be fun. Not all guys are winners, but they all teach you something.

He can’t read your mind. (And you can’t read his).
The minute you start expecting your partner to know everything about you and know the right thing to do in every situation… is the minute your relationship starts to crumble. Try not to overanalyze, try not to give more meaning than deserved. Try not to be too hard on him – or yourself. Communication is key.

Don’t underestimate sex.
Sex surely isn’t everything – but if you can’t connect under the covers, you’ll have a hard time getting through bumps in the future. The happiest of couples have a place – a bed – to come home to and reconnect. Don’t settle for lackluster, strive for fireworks.

It’s not going to look how you thought it would look.
You might think you’ll marry a banker with a head full of hair – and you may end up with a wonderful teacher that’s losing his. You might think you’d never date a guy who had kids from a previous marriage, but the way he parents may be something that makes you melt for him. Keep your standards and your preferences, but be open to a little change from the dream man in your head.

You’re worth it.
You’re not perfect, he’s not perfect – but you do deserve someone who sees all of those imperfections as things that make you wonderful. There is someone who will be madly, profoundly, incredibly in love with you. Wait for him. Believe he exists.

Don’t give up.
Love is everywhere around you, even when you don’t see it. And one day, it’ll find its way to your heart. No doubt about it. Just don’t give up on it… and it won’t give up on you.

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And the Winner of the Self-Love Giveaway Is…

Thank you to everyone who wrote their self-love letter for Valentine’s Day. Remember, you can write these all year-long and I’ll publish them here. The page is already updated with this year’s entries.

I’m excited to announce that Kelly from Ohio and the blogger behind Eternally Single Kelly has won my very first giveaway! Kelly was selected at random and will be sent a prize pack with everything below. You can also read Kelly’s amazing love letter, too:

“You are beautiful. Take those special moments when you realized that you are just a glimmer of that person that used to think so many negative things. You have been through more than most people can say, and are a confident and strong woman. Remember that moment at the lake when he had to stop and what he was doing just to say how beautiful you are and know you deserve it. Remember all those little moments where you looked in the mirror and all that hard work paid off. You are smart, you are beautiful, and you are a force of nature all by yourself. Being with someone only improves you by making each one of you want to be even better person, and that is always your goal. “

I’ll be hosting my second giveaway in a few weeks, so keep a lookout. And congratulations Kelly! Keep self-lovin’!

Giovanni Flight Attendant Hair & Body Kit – $9.99
Amore Pacific Moisture Bound Refreshing Masque – $10 each
Illamasqua Powder Eye Shadow in Toxic– $20
Wet n’ Wild MegaLast Mega Last Nail Color – $2 each
Vidal Sassoon Color Protect Shampoo, Conditioner and Color Protect Creme – prices vary
TRESemme Keratin Infusing Smoothing Serum – prices vary
bliss Pout o Matic – $48
HomeGoods $50 Gift Card
A Love Addict-themed clutch from Stich803.
A Love Addict-themed card and mug from Freckled and Joyful