Category Archives: Step 4

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The Obsession Network

Let’s be honest: Facebook is not good for ex-boyfriends.

In fact, it is probably the worse idea ever created for us love addicts. It has every tool necessary to figure out whatever it is you want to know about someone –regardless if they want you to or not.

Think about how many times in a day you check FB or update your status or go through someone’s pictures or read conversations that have nothing to do with you. Or what about just taking a look at what your ex is up to, because you’re finally at the point where you can? And if you’re not at that point, you “test” yourself by looking at his profile and seeing how it makes you feel to see another gal writing on his wall? Better yet, have you heard of Facebook-drunk-stalking? I’m sure you have. Instead of just avoiding drunk-texting, we now have to avoid drunk-Facebooking. I mean, Facebooking is even a verb now?

I’m as guilty as the next person of having all of these ridiculous habits, and if you are my ex-boyfriend (or someone I remotely was interested in), I admit to knowing or doing the following:

  • What you’re currently doing career or school wise
  • Who you’re dating and who you have dated in the past
  • Any picture you’ve been tagged in or made your profile picture since we broke up
  • Current trends concerning your statuses
  • If I’ve had access with privacy settings, I’ve read wall-to-wall conversations
  • If you’ve invited me to an event, I’ve seriously considered going
  • If you’ve been on Facebook chat while I was on Facebook chat, I’ve wanted to (and maybe have) IMed you
  • If you wrote on my wall (even if it’s just for my birthday), I’ve thought long and hard about what to write back
  • Anything you have posted on your profile as information, including websites, quotes, etc, I’ve stalked
  • I’ve glared at the screen when your current girlfriend wrote something sweet on your wall
  • I’ve felt very angry, nauseous, annoyed, jealous, and just flat-out bitchy when I’ve seen cute pictures of your girlfriend and you
  • I’ve tracked things you’ve done and tried to make conclusions based on pure assumptions (like you became friends with her five minutes ago and then she wrote on your wall about last night…so you met her last night? Or what?)
  • If you’ve become engaged, I’ve been highly, highly angry for a full day. Sometimes more than one
  • If you’re not engaged, but I think you will be, I’ve cringed when looking at your wall
  • I’ve probably deleted you from my feed, but I still go stalk on my own
  • I’ve blocked you and unblocked you (did you guys know about the 48-hour rule?), removed you from friends, and re-added you (thank you ex-boyfriends for playing along)

Yeah, maybe this doesn’t paint me in the brightest light, but if someone is going to give me access to your profile, as a journalist, and as a love addict, it is my duty to completely dissect your profile. While Facebook is coined as The Social Network, is does not create a network of love but rather, an “obsessive network.”

And in an effort to un-obsess my life, my thoughts, and my relationships – I’m attempting to get a little less crazy with Facebook. At least in terms of my former flames. I hate when my confidence or my mood goes from super-high to an all-time low when I see one update or one picture or one wall post that makes me sad.  And I hate it even more that I have to physically and emotionally remind myself to not look at someone’s profile because of the damage it could do. Seriously, Facebook is having all these troubles with privacy issues and I think it is rubbing off on its users.

Yes, I’m “friends” with my ex-boyfriends, but only by Facebook’s definition. And I wouldn’t want someone who I really am not that close to digging around into every corner of my profile (but if they do, they’re probably reading this, go figure) – so maybe I should give my former loves the same respect.

So, with the start of step 4, as I dig back into my obsessive habits and try to correct them, the first task…is taking a big ‘ol step back. No more obsessing over what someone writes on someone’s wall who I kissed three times sophomore year of college. No more analyzing the facial expressions of a couple that came to be right after he broke up with me. No more blocking and re-blocking an ex just to see if anything changes.

This journey is not about what my ex-boyfriends are doing on Facebook. It is not about who they are sleeping with instead of being in love with me. It is not about our past, what we’re doing in our presents, or what will happen in our futures. Because any part of “we” or “our” or “us” doesn’t exist.

What does exist is everything I’ve learned from those relationships, the internal battles I’ve had to fight (and will continue to fight) to let go of love and to finally, with the start of this blog, take a stand for myself. And to know that if I wanted to, I could be Facebook official, in love with, in a relationship with… myself (although I won’t do that because that’s just takin’ it a little too far).

So sorry, Facebook, but I’m only going to give you 75 hits a day, instead of the 150 I’ve been giving you the last five years.

But if so-and-so does get engaged, whoever he may be, no one tell me until like step 11, okay?

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The Yellow Sundress

During the summer of 2008, when I was interning in the city, I made my way over to Union Square to meet a basketball player from Yale for dinner. We had met once and because he was quite adorable, I agreed to go on an official date with him. Because you never know how long it will take to get anywhere on the subway on the weekends, I arrived nearly 30 minutes earlier than I anticipated.

So, I saw down on the steps facing towards downtown and started reading a book I highly recommend, Love Walked In by Marisa de los Santos (it is not only about romantic love but loving yourself and others). I was wearing this simple yellow sundress with white kitten heels, and a paisley scarf tied 50’s style around my neck. My hair was in light curls and I had a cardigan by my side. The sun was reflecting off my book onto my face a little and the summer breeze from the city was wondering between the buildings, making its way to me in short and quick bursts.

Completely in a daze from my book, I looked up to see an older man sitting a few steps below me, looking at me, and drawing in his notebook. Thinking he was going to try and get me to buy the picture from him, I said, “Sir, I don’t have any cash to pay you for the drawing.” He shook his head and smiled up at me (a few teeth missing and all) in broken English and said, “No, no, no! You’re just so beautiful. No money. No money. Just let me finish.” I again told him I sincerely had nothing to give him, and he reassured me that he wanted to draw my picture...just because.

A little taken back (but still flattered), I continued reading and let him draw me. After a while, someone stopped, tapped me on the shoulder, and said, “Are you some sort of celebrity or something?” I laughed it off and told them most definitely, not and concluded this was one of the most peculiar New York afternoons I had experienced to date. Soon, the Yale guy showed up, and I told him the story (to which he wasn’t that interested in hearing), and he told me we should get dinner. I walked down to the man drawing, where he said, “Not finished, but you must go. Take this, take this.” He handed me a drawing that while it did not resemble me much, was wonderful. I thanked him and wished him good luck in his career as an artist.

I never saw that man or the Yale boy again, but that 45-minute span made a lasting impression on me. As soon as I got back from the date, I started a book called The Yellow Sundress that centers around a man and a woman who cross paths several times over a year before fate brings them together at a park, while she’s wearing a yellow sundress, of course.

With so much going on with my 9-6 magazine job, this blog, and managing an online women’s mag, I had taken a nice long break from writing this book. Also, because it is ultimately a love story, I figured it wouldn’t be good for the progress.

And then, while Tumbling last week, I ran across this picture:

When I saw it, I literally took my hands off the keyboard and covered my mouth. The book had been so far out of my memory for months and to see such a clear representation of it from a total stranger was incredible. And then, as I have been, I checked my feelings and my reaction to the picture. Instead of being sad or jealous or upset that I didn’t have that great love or that I was writing a love story that I’ve yet to experience – I was just happily reminded of something that means so much to me.

Strangely enough, seeing this picture has made me believe how ready I am for Step 4. Seeing couples or seeing romance or seeing love right in my face isn’t upsetting me anymore. I’m sure it will in the future on rough days, but I’ve reached a point of contentment where I’m just hopeful.

And the thing about this journey is I don’t need to hold myself back from loving love. Loving love in every sense, dimension, and style of the word isn’t bad. Believing in the power and the strength that a loving bond can have, or how deeply rooted and sincere and eternal it can be, isn’t wrong either. The only thing that makes loving love harmful is when I put myself down about it, think negatively, or make it a main priority of my life. The key is to not obsess, but to not lose my hope either.

Loving love is part of what makes me, me. Loving love is part of why I’m full of optimism and faith. Loving love is why I’m writing this blog that’s helping me and other women, and a book that’ll maybe make it to the shelves of millions. Loving love will one day be an attractive quality to the man I will spend forever with.

Step 4 is about discovering where the obsession with love comes from. This step will be about going back into old relationships and figuring out what went wrong -not in the union, but with how I dealt with it. It will be about going back inside of me to discover what parts need mending and care. It will mean admitting to some not-so-refreshing facts and emotions. It will help me determine where my love for love became an obsession.

So, for The Yellow Sundress, for me, for that wonderful artist in the park who inspired me, and for all the things (and love) to come – onto the next path in this journey. One month down, how many more to come?