Recently given the opportunity to pitch a unique sex story for a national women’s magazine (fingers crossed, y’all) – I’ve been asking my real, Facebook, Twitter, blog, and Tumblr friends to share their raciest moments. I also put a general query out to the universe via the ever-dependable HARO and I’ve been contacted by sexperts, swingers, porn stars, and those who wish to remain anonymous.
Blushing as these messages flooded my inbox, I could feel my friends giggling as they described what they’ve considered risqué in their sexual lives – yet I thought were boring. But then some of the ideas I received were so shocking, so out-there, so absolutely ridiculous by my own standards that my mouth literally dropped when I made it to the end of the pitch. As I weeded through everything to try and find something that fit the bill the magazine was looking for, I found myself constantly asking those who entertain me via Gchat daily if this was normal.
After some interesting conversations where I learned more about my friends than I thought I’d ever know, I reached the conclusion that sex is even more personal than I originally considered it. And probably more importantly, I decided that pleasure is relative.
What I considered to be commonplace practice in the bedroom was actually quite special-occasion like for other people. And what I thought was far-fetched and outright terrifying, I actually have friends who are into that specific act. What makes people happy, what gets their senses tingling, and what makes them slither in ecstasy ranges so much, I’m surprised Cosmopolitan has been able to come up with so many different tricks guaranteed to stimulate a man or to get us off easier than usual.
I’ve never been judgmental about sex – I think it’s one of those things that belongs solely to the person. Writing about the topic is difficult, as I don’t believe what I share with someone behind closed doors has a space on this blog or in my clips – or at least with my byline tied to it anyway. Because like it or not, sex holds a stigma that’s difficult to fight. If you’re willing to talk about yourself in the most intimate of ways, then that nakedness will follow you and your career forever. And for me and my path- I don’t want to be thought of as the girl who likes to do xyz in the bedroom – even if I actually prefer XXX (I’ll let you be the judge of that) – because it’s not about discussing the techniques and the jobs of bumping uglies, it’s about empowering people to not feel bad about what brings them pleasure.
And not being afraid to ask for it in the bedroom. Pleasure may be relative, but whatever resonates with you, you should have – as long as it doesn’t break laws, harm minors, or take away someone else’s power against their will, that is. So many get used to the status-quo they’re receiving that they never think to push their limits or try something that will actually bring them that burst of …well, intoxicating wonderfulness, that is so enjoyable. After all, if you’ve ever had a true orgasm and you meet someone who isn’t sure if they have experienced one – you know they haven’t. Once you’ve popped the bubble between finishing and orgasming, you’ll never settle for less than the big one again.
It took me a cold, unloving relationship that was nearly absent of any affection and rarely featured sex of any kind for me to realize that pleasure, that sex, that exploring that side of myself was a non-negotiable. I had to admit to myself that, yes, I’m a woman and I’m a sexual creature, and I like to have sex – great sex. And it’s okay to demand that in a partner and to not agree to a relationship with someone where chemistry doesn’t match or communication is stale. Women have a right to not be stuck on their backs in missionary, serving their male counterpart’s needs – we have pleasure points that should be given attention and applied pressure. And if you’re not with someone who doesn’t realize your body is a place to be worshiped as much as he also respects you, then both your libido and your heart will suffer.
Pleasure is different for everyone – but I know what it means to me. And I know how to reach it, how to ask for it, and how to know when it’s not there. I don’t know if there’s such a thing as sexual healing, but you can heal yourself sexually by shifting your mindset from wanting to have great sex to demanding great sex. You’re worth it. Trust me. And once you’ve had it, you’ll never go back.
Daily Gratitude: I’m thankful that I’m a woman who knows herself and her body. And she loves it.