I’m A Rape Survivor, And Here’s Why I Don’t Support The Safe Campus Act

I wish the photos of my eighteenth birthday — most of which I’ve untagged — reminded me of a fun celebration, but what I remember most about that birthday is seeing my dress rolled up past my bare breasts, as I drifted awake, finding the party host having sex with me without my consent. When I haphazardly pushed him off of me, he only muttered five words: I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

It was my birthday, he said earlier that night. I should celebrate, he persuaded.I’ll buy you whatever you want to drink, don’t worry, he promised. And so, as a wide-eyed 17-year-old finally coming to ‘legal age’ (as he put it), I was three weeks into college and happily surprised that an old high school friend wanted to throw me a birthday party. When that evening came — a Saturday night in 2006 — I tried on everything I owned before eventually borrowing something from my new roommate’s closet: a fitted white dress with pink flowers on it. I was so excited for that night — my first official birthday spent away from home, with real college friends, with real college drinks and a real college good time. Continue reading

You Are Worthy of Love

31180-You-Are-Worthy-Of-All-The-Love-In-The-WorldRecently, I had a phone reading with an angel intuitive who reads the energy of your angels. I’ve been to psychics before – and of course, my mom is an astrologer – but there was something refreshing about talking to angels, as opposed to spirits – it seemed like it might be more… real.

And it was.

Five minutes into my reading with Chris Alexandria, I was holding my breath to choke down the tears. It wasn’t so much that she predicted incredible, amazing things, but rather, that she illustrated exactly how I’m  feeling. And perhaps, more importantly, what I’ve been struggling with a lot lately.

It comes as no surprise to anyone who knows me (or reads this little blog that’s been my safe place for so many years) – but I’ve been worried about not finding love my entire life. If I look back on my journals from middle school and my blogs for high school, the thread was always the same: what if he doesn’t exist?  Continue reading

27 Things I’m No Longer Worrying About

A few days ago, after a walk with Lucy, I ate my lunch under a tree near my apartment. It was one of those perfect almost-Autumn days, and as I have for the past five-and-a-half years in New York, I watched life unfold around me. There was an old man who brought out a lawn chair and was sunbathing, some girls around my age talking up a storm (likely about the night before), a couple with their small baby and a snuggling two-some sneaking in kisses between the breeze.

And here I was, sitting awkwardly on my backpack, guilting myself for skipping an exercise class because I was tired, wondering when this guy that I met would text me back. As much as things have changed – and so have I – in all of this time, I still have to battle those same insecurities, regardless of how far I’ve come in my self-love journey. The park embodied so many of the things that I dream of having, and often times, I can count up the things I don’t have instead of taking stock in what I do. And though I can dream of the beautiful things I hope are before me, it’s hard to get past what’s in sight to believe in what you can’t see until it’s yours.

I turned over my iPhone and took a sip of water, rubbing my shoulders as the temperature started to drop, and I turned my attention on a kid’s birthday party. There was a grandfather with a toddler, laughing and chasing around each other until the babe accidentally let go of the red balloon she was holding. She started to cry, but her grandfather scooped her up and pointed to the sky.

I couldn’t hear what he said – I was too far away – but I imagine it was a distraction technique that somehow, piqued her interest away from a tantrum. The only thing was, all of the kids watched this happened and looked up…

…and they all let go of their balloons. Continue reading

Why Deleting My Dating Apps Was The Best Decision I Ever Made

It was about a month ago that I decided it was finally time to kick the bucket and log off. There was such a surge of power—and frankly, relief—when I deleted all of my dating apps. Tinder was the first to go, followed by Hinge and then Bumble.
When I read Vanity Fair’s article, ‘Tinder and the Dawn of the ‘Dating Apocalypse’—I found myself nodding along mindlessly, silently saying ‘Yep, yep, yep.’ I didn’t really need the article to tell me that dating apps had changed relationships, marriages and the process of finding someone that you want to see for longer than it takes to swipe left or right. That, I knew, from four hard years of being single and watching the whole process change and in many ways, worsen. Even my mom taking over my Tinder account for a week confirmed this.

But as the article points out several times, as we all continue to get online to find someone we connect with offline, I had to beg the question to myself: “Why was I investing all this time into something that makes me miserable?”

Like any true addict, it took me a week to wean myself off of my dating IV and to get rid of the shakes that made me anxious: “If I’m not on these apps, how will I meet people?! What will I do?” Continue reading

The One Question That Made Me Stop Stressing When A Guy Doesn’t Text Me Back

About a year ago, I was having one of those epic, ridiculous, totally immature meltdowns about some guy that waited 48 hours to respond to a text message. Now before you go judging me for stressing when a guy doesn’t text back right away, consider how many times you’ve been in my state of panic: you have an incredible first date with someone, you full-on make out with them outside of your apartment door, they text you a sweet good-night message… and then you don’t hear from them for days. And suddenly that once put-together, independent, and strong-willed woman that you usually are takes a back seat to the bat-sh*t crazy version of you that happens when you think you met someone who could be a something. Continue reading

Why Not Caring About My Dating Life Has Made It So Much Better

On a trip back home, I recently connected with my high school boyfriend. He was that guy that so many have—the sweet, loyal and fun first relationship that’s the equivalent of a training bra: comfortable and exciting, but not something that can last forever. I broke up with him—quite dramatically—within my first few days of college because I wanted to experience all that the single life could offer me. I had been tied down most of high school, so why not explore?

It was a rough breakup and we stayed out of contact for the better part of the last nearly nine years, but with one Facebook message, we agreed to meet for our first legal drink together. I don’t have a car anymore — thanks NYC transit!— so just like he did all of those years ago, he stopped by my house to pick me up. As he walked up the stairs, my heart started racing with all of those butterflies that I felt when we first kissed, when we first had sex, when he told me he loved me. Continue reading

What Dating is Like In Every Year Of Your 20s

There’s no doubt that some things get better with age — wine, cheese, sex. But there are other things that change so much year-by-year, that it’s hard to look back at where you once were. And if you’ve been trying to find something shiny in a pool of lackluster dates, then you likely know that dating is different in your early 20s than it is in your late 20s.

Go ahead now and ask for forgiveness for what you tolerated when you were 21, because the approaching-30 you would shake your head at what once impressed you. The nice part about being single for multiple years — is that you figure out more and more what you want, what you don’t and what you’re willing to compromise on. And in some very powerful, awesome, ways, you also learn how to care less about how it all goes and expect more out of yourself and your future partner.

In case you need a good belly laugh or you a reminder of how far you’ve come — or where you’re headed — here’s what dating is really like in your 20s. Naturally, in GIFs, because those are fun through the entire decade.

Age 20: I So Don’t Need A Boyfriend/Girlfriend.

Being single in college is so fun! There are so many parties, so many eligible people, I don’t want to settle down. I have time. I mean, it’s not like I’m 25 or something.

Continue reading