Somewhere in this world, and perhaps in this city, lives a man.
He is a living, breathing, actual person with a history that I don’t know. He was born somewhere and he may or may not have moved away from his hometown. He has a freckle in an odd place that’s hidden away under his clothes. He has an ex-girlfriend who broke his heart, a certain way he loves to be kissed, and he may care less if the Jets won or loss. He has a food that he can’t get enough of, a vegetable he isn’t the biggest fan of, and a scar that has a story. He has buddies he’s known since elementary school and a teacher who made an impact that lasted past the classroom. He knows every single word to a few songs, has read a book or two that he couldn’t put down, and he has a place he dreams of going, but never has. He may have an affinity for Southern-raised women who are writers with blue eyes and big city dreams, who also have the independence and ambition to make them a reality.
I haven’t met this man. Or if I have, I don’t know it yet. But this person, with all of his incredible and messy qualities, is the man I have faith I will meet, and possibly marry one day. I don’t believe in the idea of a soulmate who makes your “half” a whole, but I do trust there is a single person for everyone, who is suitable (and preferable) for life-long commitment.
Before this journey, the fact that my person, my hubby-to-be, existed, and I had no control over when I’d meet him – really bothered me. I would watch all of my friends, either on Facebook or in real life – getting engaged, talking about how they met their match, and waltzing down the aisle, and all I could think was: “Why not me?! Why don’t I deserve to meet my guy? Where the hell is he?“
And so, to combat these desperate thoughts that made me feel unworthy and unattractive, I immersed myself in romantic illusions about him – and at any given moment, I prepared for our paths to cross.
Somehow, fantasies of an elusive Mr. Right: what he’ll look like, how he’ll kiss me, how we’ll meet, how we’ll both ‘just know’, and how it will all play into a divinity I’ve yet to experience – are easier to dream about then to focus on what really deserves attention: myself.
And that’s a self-defeating approach I’ve seemed to master. I’ve had a reoccurring dream about being married to someone named Brian Ward, who I’ve yet to meet – but if you’re out with me, and a dude says his name is Brian, my head whips around quicker than it does when I see a sample sale near my office. I’ve filled nearly two notebooks full of “Letters to My Husband” that have chronicled my life since junior year in college, and I only stopped writing in it when I started this blog. As ridiculous as it may sound, I went to a psychic (who has been scarily accurate thus far) and she told me to put a rose quartz in the most right-hand corner of my room along with a list of all the qualities I looked for in my future husband, to bring him near me, faster.
Yeah, you guessed it, I followed instructions. The little package even made the move to New York, only to be packed away when I decided I had enough of this love-addiction mess. Until I realized that my expectations of this man, who while I’m sure will be charming, will most likely not be a prince, and will really have no need to rescue me from anything. So what was I doing putting all of this energy into him? Especially when I haven’t even, technically, met him?
While I was picturing him, getting lost in the endless wondering of when (or if) I would meet him or pondering if I could catch a glimpse of him on the next train or bump into him at the next cocktail hour – I had forgotten that a relationship with myself is really the one I needed to be working on.
Really, I knew had a choice: I could get lost in this fantasy character I’ve established in my mind, with dark wavy hair, blue eyes, and perfect, succulent lips who makes more money than I can dream of (but is insanely humble and talented) – or I could first accept myself, and then accept him, for whoever he is. This doesn’t mean I settled for less than I deserved or lowered my standards, but I realized that instead of writing him letters and wishing on a “magical” pink-colored stone, I could just go about my life and let whatever is meant to happen, happen.
I still have a ways to go on this journey, but I hadn’t realized how much progress I made until a handsome stranger locked eyes with me on the subway yesterday and I smiled back, before getting off at my stop – and it occured to me: I haven’t thought about running into Mr. Right in such a long time.
And that was it. I did it. I finally let go of anticipating our encounter or wishing on stars to meet him.
And today, I’m a living, breathing person. I have dozens of stories that he doesn’t know. I’ve been lucky to love some wonderful men, and I’ve learned from the ones who have done me wrong. There are foods that I would never give up, for any diet, and I admittedly have memorized most Backstreet Boy songs. I have a scar on my left wrist that’ll forever remind me of the car accident that changed my view on charity. I’m full of endless hope and can be inspired by even the slightest of sightings, conversations, or words. I’m short, but my personality isn’t.
Regardless of when he stumbles into my life or what he is really like or what color his eyes are, I am just as important of a character, of a person, as he is. And finally, he isn’t my top concern, my highest priority, or the thing I worry the most about. I don’t dress to impress him, imagine all of the ways I could meet him during the activities before me each morning, or curse the universe for delaying our impending marriage.
Instead, my look, my style, is my own. I look forward to the moments of my day where I’ll do something that’s fulfilling and helps others. And I thank the heavens above for giving me the chance and the drive to devote my passion, my enthusiasm to the most important, most beautiful, and most life-altering relationship I’ll ever experience: the love I have for me, or what I’d like to call myself…Ms. Right.
This is one of my favorite posts to date! Perspective is a really interesting thing. I had never thought about it in the way you described, but I agree that we spend too much time creating Mr. Right in our minds and not enough time creating the Ms. Right within ourselves. Thanks for changing my perspective on this, and helping me to see that in order to find Mr. Right, I should focus on being Ms. Right. Great concept!
Thanks so much :) And for always reading!
Thanks for the suggestion to read this post. It is so much like what I’m going through that its almost uncanny.
We’re all in this together! :)
I have tried so many times to focus on myself and being Ms. Right, but it seems like everytime I meet someone who seems “potential” my minds goes back into “looking for Mr. Right” mode.
I will try, over the next few months to get to know and love myself better. To build up my own confidence and make myself feel like the most important person in the world. Thank you for this inspiring post.
You should! Fall in love with yourself – it is important!
Your blog hits so close to home with me! I found this through a link of a regular I subscribe to and WOW~! I’m so glad I did. I love the way you write and wish I could be half the writer you are. :)
I’ve been trying to do the same as you in my own way except choosing to “go on strike” as I call it. http://threehundredsixtyfivedaysofbeingsingle.wordpress.com/ I’ve been in the process of trying to revamp it though, trying to find a new outlit on how to wrie and your blog really is inspiring. I hope you don’t mind but I’d love to plug your blog so even more wonderful people can experience this feeling. Ty for having this up :)
Thank you so much – and please, plug my blog! So nice of you! I’ll go check yours out! :)
BRAVO BRAVO!
Thank you! :)
Excellently expression of an internal process. It interesting how so many of us have created a parallel world for ourselves based on the external descriptions of an ideal life. But we are constantly reminded by the fact that as different as every individual is, so also is their experience. This should therefore establish the importance of investing in a personal relationship with oneself; getting the right perspectives to life, and being satisfactorily single (in convictions, emotions, and appearance).
If we spent the same amount of time, imagining what Mr/Miss Right should be, on ourselves perhaps our imaginations would drive our actions to match. No matter how much we fantasize, it will have absolutely no effect on the person. Somethings we have absolutely no control over and it will be a wrong investment of time focusing on such. We have control over who we are and what we become, and that’s what we invest time and energy on.
Thanks so much for commenting! I’m glad you enjoyed it.