Today, I Pick Me

I’m afraid that every man I ever date will always pick another woman over me.

There, I said it.

As someone who is pretty self-confident and considers herself successful, independent, and attractive – it is so hard to admit feeling inadequate. And this fear that swells up in my heart and my eyes frequently is a big one to overcome.

Part of this journey is noticing trends, both in my past and in my current thinking, and one thing I’ve always battled is not feeling “good enough” or “pretty enough” or “cool enough”. I know I have alluring qualities and I’m easy to be around, but when it comes to hooking a  guy and keeping his interest, I tend to feel like there is always another girl out there who does it better.

With all of the men I’ve dated (Mr. Faithful, Mr. Rebound, Mr. Fire, Mr. Curls, Mr. Buddy, and most recently Mr. Idea), they all found and fell in love with another girl shortly after things ended with me. For some it was a month or two, or a few weeks, and with one, only a day. Knowing that these men who I’ve given parts of myself to, both literally and emotionally, can just move on to the next gal without batting an eyelash has made me feel so invisible. And even more so, like my love, my presence, my feelings were just disposable.

I’ve made a vow to not bash anyone – male or female – on this blog, but rather talk about what I’ve learned, instead of what I resent. However, the women who have followed after me have been completely opposite of me. Given, I don’t know them very well (or if at all), but they look and act differently. They have totally dissimilar interests or goals or ways of speaking or looking at life.

While I don’t think there is anything wrong with these women, and if I actually spent time with any of them, I may hit it off and we’d be the best of friends (though I doubt it) – what does it say about me that men I’ve loved or dated, have made complete 360’s in the post-me gal they choose to date?

And what about the fact that all of them have not only started dating another woman, but fell madly in love with them, too? Or for the ones who wouldn’t agree to commit to me, they suddenly can be exclusive with someone else?

While I’ve made progress in this journey and feel more in-tuned with who I am and what I want, and especially what I deserve – I still compare myself to most girls and I still wonder, “When a guy could have any of the beautiful women who grace and strut the streets of Manhattan – why, oh, why, would he pick me? And if he does, won’t he just pick someone else later?

I think the new question I need to be asking myself is: “Why do I think it’s about him chosing me?

I’m not a pro on relationships (honestly, I don’t think anyone ever truly is), but to be “successful” in a relationship, you have to pick one another. I think that magical, mystical, and unbelievable passion is there at the beginning, but after a while, and especially when you’re married – you choose to stay in love. You choose to preserve the reasons and the feelings and the memories of why you agreed to be together in the first place. And while those men I dated chose me at some point, over the course of the relationship, we stopped chosing one another, and they inevitably picked another one out of the single-lady-fied line. And eventually, I picked someone else, too.

It’s not about deciding to go to another girl over me or not being good enough – it’s a matter of the difficult choices we make in life and in love every minute, moment, hour, and day. It’s not me. It’s not her. It’s not him. It’s just the natural progression of being in, falling into, and getting out of a relationship. And though I realize this, I think I’ll have to still aim to be genuinely happy for each of them…one day.

A part of me knows that I’ll chose someone one day and he will pick me, too – a larger part of me has decided against selecting a man right now. Because my life isn’t defined about what happened in my past or what man is in my life. It’s not about the girl with the long, brown, hair and pretty smile. Or the woman who takes the place in the bed where I used to lay. And it’s not about why the man decided to walk away or allow me to leave. It’s not about them – it’s about this woman, right here, looking back me in this mirror, in this tiny NYC apartment.

And today, this woman picks herself.

26 thoughts on “Today, I Pick Me

  1. Beautifully written piece. The older I get (and I’m pretty old) I sort of think that your relationships choose you. In other words, It’s bigger then you picking him or him picking you. I think God gives you a relationship to share and when you both have learned what you can learn, the relationship ends and you both move on. And sometimes, it never ends because you have so much you can learn from each other.

    Cheers.
    Teri

  2. And so you should!

    Although I know the feeling of not being quite good ‘enough’…I don’t have an answer to why men choose who they do but I truly hope that someone chooses me one day…and don’t you worry there WILL be someone for whom you will be the most important person in the world and who WILL fall madly in love with you…until then there’s always chocolate to keep you smiling :)

    Incognito x

  3. During a second, while I was reading, I thought it was me (or a friend of mine) speaking… So far, so differents, and so similar in the end….
    I think you’ve made the best election today. Don’t forget it :)

  4. Ah, this post rubbed me in a way that is all too familiar.. Despite loving my ex-girlfriend like a Mr Faithful, she got into another relationship within a short span of a week or so. At that point in time, the feelings of self-doubt were intense; even though all along, I have always thought myself to be pretty confident.

  5. great post (though i do wonder if the title comes from the infamous 90210 kelly/brandon/dylan love triangle ending). i think i have so many exes to write letters to b/c i was too selfish to be in a real relationship…i picked myself. but i dont think thats a bad thing – if im not in a place where i can fully commit/share myself to someone else, a relationship probably isnt going to work out. basically, choosing yourself is not a bad thing, but for some reason it has an incredibly negative connotation associated with it. very glad to ‘fessed up.’

    http://dearexgirlfriend.com/

  6. I would simply be happy if they choose AFTER their relationship with me was over instead of ending the relationship to go to her. It is much harder to explain away that they didn’t choose her over you when they actually end the relationship for her.

    Both of the guys came back to me when ‘her’ didn’t seem to cut it. But I haven’t re-picked either of them. You had your chance to pick me and you blew it. I am no longer interested.

  7. Dear love addict,
    I resonate with this piece, but I am learning a lot. Sometimes it is more complicated than we allow ourselves to understand. Sometimes we choose people that are unavailable because we don’t want to be alone or we vibe with that person for a wrong reason. Nat at Baggage Reclaim says we choose people who fulfill what we already believe about love. for instance, if you think love is pain, you will choose someone who will cause you pain. Because then you can continue your beliefs about love without having to deal with yourself. Whether that’s true for you or not, no one can say but you, but as you are spending time alone, you will be able to spot things. I think that sometimes when men end a relationship,too. that sometimes they do like you, but subconsciously they realize they could never make you happy. That your life doesn’t vibe with theirs. If a man doesn’t think he can make you happy he won’t want to stick around. Who really knows? All you can do is open your hands and arms to whatever is next. Take all those heavy weights and shake them off. Take the reproach, and guilt, and self-doubt and shake it off so you can fully embrace what is next for you.

  8. I’ve come to the point in my life where if a relationship does not work out, it’s simply not meant to be. My new motto is “each relationship is like a rung on a ladder leading you up and toward THE ONE.” If it doesn’t workout that simply means THE ONE is still out there to be found. And the next one will be even better than the last.
    And as this blog so eloquently explains each relationship is a learning experience. From each failed fling or love we learn not only something about ourselves but what we want, don’t want and need in a relationship or significant other. We cannot look at past relationships as failures or with resentment but rather an appreciation for what we learned and gained from it.

  9. I think you finally hit the nail on the head there girl.
    How can you expect someone else to want to be with you, to love you and care for you if you cannot do it yourself.

    Self love comes in many forms, but at it’s roots it must contain the ability to accept ones self as they are. No one is perfect, everyone has fear. It’s those that can move past those imperfections that really enjoy life instead of sweating over every insignificant detail.

    Have you ever been out and seen a couple that just doesn’t seem compatible but are. It’s because they are comfortable in their own skin. Confidence is sexy.

    Glad to see you’re starting to turn that corner.

    Much Love
    Bob

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  11. Sometimes, guys would rather be in a relationship with a girl less attractive, less confident, and has less going on for her. Why? Because most guys are insecure and would feel more comfortable with a girl who they felt less intimidated by.

    You’re obviously a really smart, pretty, and ambitious individual – it’s only natural that most guys find you intimidating. But I don’t think you should change who you are. You just need a guy who is man enough to be with you!

    Don’t stop being fabulous!!! :)

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  13. This blog eloquently summarises every doubt, fear and broken heart that women around the world have reproached themselves for – and I applaud you for your honesty and lucidity in this emotionally-wrought topic.

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