The Writing on the Wall

Somewhere in this big, beautiful city, is a man. I have no idea what he looks like, what he does, where he’s from, where he lives now, or what his name is. But, as my mother, fate, and storybooks say: when I meet him, there will be this moment when I just know.

In a place where I pass strangers so often that if I walked by them more than once, I’d never know – it can be difficult (or rather impossible) to believe there is this one person who I’m destined to spend my life with. As far as I know, I could have walked by him every morning for the last eight months or been in the same train with him, just different cars. He could be two floors above my office or not even living in NYC right now (although my gut says he is).

Even though I love my life exactly how it is currently and I really don’t feel that intense urge to have a boyfriend as I used to – of course, one day, I hope to feel that magical intensity with the man I’ll call my husband. And there are days when I feel that fear in the pit of my stomach and the deepest corners of my heart that screams: “What if he’s not out there?

This idea of everlasting love and until-death-do-we-part and happily-ever-after is heavy. It weighs down on you with pressure and anxiety and gut-wretching worry that if I don’t find that, if I don’t find him, if I don’t get married and don’t have kids – what will become of my life? Will I still be able to find happiness? Could I (and would I want to) be able to feel this peaceful feeling as a single gal, forever? (Take a deep breath).

Ladies Night is every Thursday at a bar that I frequent and all the girls get $2 margaritas and drafts, along with half-priced appetizers. This place offers frickles (fried pickles) and that’s more than enough of a reason to go back more than once for me. With a bladder about as big as a dime, I’m always the girl who has to get up and go to the bathroom several times in a short period (and yes, I’m fine going alone).

On my second trip to the bathroom, I noticed rather large writing to my left. At first, I just read “I love Adam Forever” and didn’t think anything of it. But as I stood up, I saw in a smaller writing: “He’s NOT the One, but he’s out there. Believe. I’m trying to.”

For the rest of the night, I thought about how powerful that single phrase is. And how much it represents what I feel the majority of the time. I see a guy or go on a date and I know the chemistry isn’t there and I have to remind myself, “Its okay, Linds. This isn’t the guy, but he’s out there. Keep your hope up! Love yourself!” And finding that special peace, that serenity as a single girl is not easy. You dress yourself up, put on your favorite heels, maybe buy some new earrings, and shave away everything  - just to realize he’s just another Mr, not the Mr you thought he could be.

And god, it’s so frustrating.

Even though I feel like I’m at a happy place and pace with this journey, it is so normal to get disappointed. Part of what keeps me going is this blog (thank all of you!), my friends, and this idea that I have a bigger purpose with my writing and in doing this. In some cosmic way, I have this notion that I’m destined to be single. At least for right now and probably, not forever. I look at it like this: I literally will spend the majority of my life married (most likely), and although keeping the faith high is a constant battle, single is what I need right now.

Learning to depend on myself and more importantly, to believe in something bigger than me, and taking off all of this pressure and worries – allows me the ability to really figure out who I am. To see the writing on the wall, to face myself in the mirror, and to stand tall, even when I want to burst into tears on a second date because it’s so awful. To go out on Ladies Night and be focused on my girls, instead of the slew of men so into a hockey game that they refuse to turn around, even once.

So even though the man I will marry (and yes, I believe he exists) is somewhere on this planet, living, breathing, doing his own single (or not) thing, and even though I may have walked past him, shook his hand, or caught a glimpse of him – I know I’m not ready to fall for him. Not yet, not today.

And for those moments when I feel like I can’t accept being single or I’m lonely or feel ugly and not-sexy, when I can’t find that self-love, when I can’t see how much I truly have going for me – I’ve got this space, my amazing pals– and strangers, who write on bathroom walls, to remind me that no matter what, I’m never, ever alone.

 

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17 thoughts on “The Writing on the Wall

  1. Ah, I know the feeling only too well. Getting all glammed up for a date, happily humming as you apply your mascara, nervous butterflies fluttering in your stomach… Only to discover the guy who you thought was so full of potential, clearly isn’t. It’s therapeutic for me to read that another twenty-something single woman from the other side of the globe is experiencing the same disappointments, but not letting it get her down. Thank you :)

  2. Ya know, even though your ideal mate probably IS out there…I think that you are pretty amazing on your own, and even if you never find that ideal mate…I think your journey of falling in love with yourself is just as important, if not more so.

    Keep writing, girl. & next time, you should write a message of hope on the bathroom stall!

  3. He’s out there…that’s what keeps me going!

    Although I have the slightly unrealistic idea that he’ll literally come knocking at my door…ah I live in hope!

    Incognito x

  4. Hey there, I came across your blog once by chance, right after reading the posts on my ex-girlfriend’s blog, and since then, I have never stopped returning for more. You blog is definitely a wonderful source of inspiration for males and females alike. ;)

    You see, personally I’m in a situation where I believe that my ex-girlfriend is The One and I’m trying to love her like a Mr Faithful. However, the journey so far hasn’t been easy for me emotionally, because she’s currently in another relationship and I’ll be frank – it isn’t easy to stomach the fact that another guy’s holding your love in his hands, without feeling like you have been through a car wreck. Your blog has been an effective dose of painkillers for me so far. :)

    On the other hand, I’m really thankful for the appreciation that you have given to guys like us, guys who are true to themselves and want to take another chance with those girls that really mattered. (I read your previous posts) Far too often we have been dismissed by our friends as naive and unrealistic and finally, I’m so glad that someone understands and appreciates the reasons behind our decisions. Keep the awesome articles coming and God bless in everything you do. :)

  5. The trick is to first find your own life – one you’re happy and fulfilled in without a man. That way, you define what you want and when that great guy comes along, you’ll know it because you know yourself…Or that’s my theory anyway.

  6. Occasionally I loose hope as well, that’s when I go to the beach, lay in the grass, watch the clouds, stop to feel the sun on my face or wind on my neck. Although I may not be 100% in love with me (yet) I am in love with that moment and in that moment I find peace, serenity and happiness. One day I will love me 100% and someone else will as well. Our Mr. Perfects are out there and in time when the time is right he will find us.
    With support and love.

  7. Pingback: A Single Snowflake and a Single Girl « Confessions of a Love Addict

  8. Pingback: Why, Oh Why, Can’t I? « Confessions of a Love Addict

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