Lesson from Mr. Unavailable

Since I moved to the city, I haven’t exactly had the best luck in dating. Hence, part of why I’m writing this blog. I had this unrealistic notion that once I moved to my dream location, my dream guy would show up too.

Maybe a little idealistic of me? Yeah –I’ll admit that (it is after all, what recovery is about). My mother went as far to tell me I’d meet Prince Charming at JFK on March 14, when my plane landed in my new home.

Nice in theory –but the reality couldn’t have been further from the truth. However, the men I have met while I’ve been here the last six months have had a common theme.

They’ve all been completely unavailable.

Either literally –because they’ve had girlfriends or wives, or emotionally -because they just got out of a serious relationship or because they’re just not looking for a special someone at this time.

None of these guys have been particularly rude or nasty –they have all, in fact, been very kind and openly honest. They have poured out their hearts and their souls or spoken of their leading ladies in the highest of terms.

It’s been quite unfortunate that they have told me about their girlfriends or about the one-who-got-away when I first meet them, or over drinks or dinner, when at the time, I’m sure they are available. While that’s sucked –I’ve appreciated the fair warning.

Recently, because I made no rules for this 12-step program, I went on a “date.” It was a very simple meeting in Bryant Park with coffee –that ended up lasting close to four hours. He’s an attractive, successful, and ambitious guy. He’s full of simple humor and his sincerity is evident. He would be a catch in anyone’s terms and of course, he’s a New York native.

The course of our “hanging out” or whatever you would call it, consisted mainly of a discussion of his ex-girlfriend. I don’t know too much about her –but he’s completely in love with her. They had a disagreement which led to the end of their relationship, but in his eyes, she could be The One. She’s someone he could see forever with and he beats himself up over letting her go.

We talked a few hours about what grand gesture he should make to win her heart back –to get this beautiful lady who stole away his life at a banquet nearly a year ago to give him another chance. He talked about her favorite flower, silly-habits that belong just to her, and every woman that walked by who resembled her –his head shot around like he was seeing an angel walk on earth. He asked me for advice, apologized profusely for talking about this when we intentionally had met to see what could be between us, and wore his emotion on his sleeve.

Even just a few weeks ago, this date or hanging out or non-definition-meeting –would have rocked my heart. It would have made me feel bad about how I look and question what I’m worth. I would have gone home choking back tears on the subway and Rite Aid would have had one less box of chocolate on their dollar aisle.

This time, though, I went home hopeful.

And yes, it’s only been a week of my personal therapy, but last night, I was inspired. Hearing him talk about this woman, seeing the sincere pain in his eyes, and the longing still resonating in his face –gave me a glimpse of true love.

It was sad, but it was amazing to know that this kind of love is possible. That a man could love someone so sincerely, so profoundly, that he would fight for her. That he would think over the course of a month exactly what would persuade her to give him the opportunity to prove his love. That while he seems to be a self-confident, secure, and capable adult (who I would think is pretty good at this self-love thing) –was willing to let his heart be stolen away for someone who he considered more than worth the trouble.

I don’t know his ex-girlfriend and I doubt I ever will –but I’m happy for her. Instead of being jealous that someone doesn’t feel this way towards me, I think it’s incredible that they were both lucky enough to love in such a strong way. And, of course, I think it’s very sweet that he’s going to chase after her with a grand gesture (which for the record, will be quite romantic with a few of my suggestions).

I realized that his lack of interest in me had nothing to do with me. It wasn’t that I wasn’t pretty enough or intriguing enough to “woo” him into falling in love with me or creating the start of a possibility –it’s just that his heart is elsewhere. His heart isn’t up for grabs and it isn’t open to…well, opening.

And mine isn’t either. It’s not open. It’s not ready for a new relationship. It’s not ready for love. It’s not ready for establishing the foundation of a new romance or even a fling. It’s not the time and I don’t want it to be. I’m Ms. Unavailable.

I’ve been asking God for the last couple of days to help me to start believe it was possible for me to let go of these negative thoughts towards love, and to believe that a power bigger than mine could help erase all of my old habits.

That date was a sign.

It was a symbol that I can believe in a power higher than myself. I can believe that in time, my heart will open again, and I will be loved in a way that’s sincere and everlasting. But now, it’s time for me to concentrate on the love I have for myself. My heart can only be open to loving me right now. It’s not capable of letting someone else in on the relationship.

Facebook would probably define the relationship I’m developing with myself as “complicated” –but I think it’s just starting to grow.  I’m trying to start to believe things can change.

I believe I can do this. And I believe I’ll be helped.

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40 thoughts on “Lesson from Mr. Unavailable

  1. Lindsay, this post is great! It’s a great feeling to know that true love is evident and is all around us. Once we love our self completely and God see’s the growth we have made then he will send us “the one”

  2. This was my favorite posting yet. I will admit that it did make me jealous. I do not think I have let go of the hurt from my previous relationship. I think it is holding me back.I was fine yesterday, but once night time came I was filled with extreme sadness. I woke up this morning extremely sad. He still controls my every thought. Why doesnt he “love” me and why doesnt he think I am good enough to fight for. I used to be so hopeful of love and it did not run my life. But having been in a relationship that was one sided and thrown out like it did not matter or hurt well, now I am just bitter and I am either crying about love or I think it is a waste of time and I never want it. I mean really. What is the point in it. I always love harder than the other person. This is where I am right now. So I guess it is back to step 1.

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  32. Let me get this straight- you met up with a man on the premise of a “coffee date” and you allowed him to use you as a verbal sound board and incessantly spew ex-gf chunks all over you? And you think that’s sweet? You think that’s an indicator of true love and a higher power?

    Let me tell you something. True love exists and so does a higher power- but this man was an indicator of NEITHER. You fail to recognize that this wonderful woman left this man. She left him for a reason. And here he is in LA-LA land, out of touch with reality, in some serious denial and most likely borderline delusional mumbling about winning her back? To a woman he was apparently on a date with? HOW RUDE!

    This man is neither self confident, secure or capable. And neither is he able to master self love. He’s a narcissist(look up the psychology definition of this pervasive personality disorder in the current psych DSM). If he were secure or self confident he wouldn’t have needed to meet up with you and USE a stranger to provide his ego with its feeding supply, he wouldn’t have been so out of touch with reality that this woman left and isn’t coming back.

    I’m happy for his ex gf too- because she escaped him. You allowed this narcissistic, ego centric loser to use you for his self indulgent entertainment within the vast barren of his mind for four hours. I’m glad you think you got something out of the “date”- apparently hope, because he had no intentions of making any true connections with you now, or in the future.

    Women- wake up and smell the COFFEE. It’s men like these that need to be avoided at all cost. Egocentric, selfish, narcassistic, emotionally unavailable vampires. They have nothing to offer, and intend on draining you after they seduce you withwhatever personality front they believe you will buy. they men have no true self, have no capablity of empathy, and therefore cannot even relate to normal human beings. Seriously- this man may deserve one glistening teardrop of pity from us, but from afar, way afar.

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